Banned in Boston
by eMu3
Summary: What those adult men do behind closed doors is their own business. As long as it’s consensual and they keep Bombay out of it, I don’t have a problem with it.
1. Banned in Boston

Hey hey. So…someone complained to and this story got pulled with a very cryptic explanation, but after a lot of work I figured out that I used language too naughty for a PG-13 fic. That's all I could think of, so here it is again, R rated for all those pansies out there whose fragile little brains can't handle naughty language. Jesus. This fic isn't in R territory and it really pisses me off that I have to label it as such.  
  
Whatever. For those new to the fic, it's a continuation of another fic of mine called Malarkeys and Mayhem. You don't really NEED to read M&M coming in, but I recommend you do. What you do need to know is that Nagi and Omi are dating, and before that Omi was going out with Ken, but then Schu and Farf secretly threatened Ken so he'd dump Omi. And here's the epilogue of M&M so the first bit of this fic doesn't come completely out of nowhere. - Enjoy!

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Yohji felt a colossal hangover coming on, and kept his eyes firmly shut, clinging desperately to sleep. He could tell without the power of sight that he was in a hotel room somewhere. He was a little fuzzy on the exact events of the night before, but he'd been in this situation enough to figure he'd been too loaded to get back to his room, and he'd probably fucked someone. Either way, the bed he was laying on didn't feel like his.  
  
He decided he must have fucked someone the night before, because he was naked and he didn't normally sleep naked. He could tell there was a warm body close to him, but they weren't touching. That's funny. He didn't remember picking up any girls last night. He remembered following Omi and Nagi to the gay prom and hooking them up. And he remembered bumping into Schuldig and going out after for a celebratory drink.  
  
Hmm. He didn't remember talking to anyone else but Schuldig. Unless he was really loaded when he'd sought out company, but once again, that wasn't the norm.  
  
He had a very bad feeling in the pit of his stomach that was completely unrelated to the amount of alcohol he'd consumed.  
  
He cracked an eyelid and groaned, very unhappily, as his vision was filled with gravity defying orange clown hair.

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"I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay." Yohji repeated to himself while gathering the various articles of his clothing that were scattered around the hotel room from last night's decidedly non-heterosexual activities.  
  
Schuldig was still in bed, wearing nothing but a sheet, a scowl on his face as he listened to Yohji rant. "Well I didn't fuck myself up the ass last night. Take some responsibility." "I'm not gay." Yohji whimpered.  
  
"Well I'm not a girl. So you're not entirely straight either." Schuldig snapped. "This is starting to get insulting."  
  
"Well excuse me for being a little freaked out! This is the first time I've woken up next to a guy before! Where are you going?!" Yohji demanded. As he was speaking, Schuldig was dressing himself and making his way towards the door.  
  
"To a clinic. I'm gonna get a blood test to make sure I don't have gonorrhea or herpes or anything." Schuldig answered.  
  
"Ouch. You're a real bastard, you know that?"  
  
"I've been told. See you around."  
  
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"You're walking kinda funny there Schuldig." Nagi greeted.  
  
"Fuck off."  
  
Pause.  
  
"How was your date?" Schuldig asked.  
  
Nagi had his usual gloomy-broody look on his face. "Why do you care?" Schuldig opened his mouth to reply, but before he managed, Nagi went into stupid happy mode, and the sudden shift in the teen's mood startled Schuldig into sitting down (he was a little woozy from all the blood he'd lost testing himself for every STD known to man).  
  
"It was great! We danced and I didn't make a total fool of myself and we kissed and it was nice and we're going out again tomorrow night!" Nagi explained happily, a wide grin on his face.  
  
Crawford walked through the room, grabbed a newspaper without looking at either of them and then left again. A moment later he walked back in and glared at Schuldig. "Where were you last night and please don't tell me the results are in the local news." Pause. "Or any kind of news."  
  
"Yeah Schu. Where were you?" Nagi asked.  
  
"I tailed Nagi to the dance-"  
  
"Hey!" Nagi exclaimed.  
  
"Well I knew about that. But he was in by eleven and you were gone overnight. What else did you do?" Crawford demanded.  
  
"Who did you do would be a better question." Farfarello spoke up from the doorway.  
  
"For fuck's sake Farf, don't tell them! It's embarrassing enough without everyone knowing!" Schuldig pleaded.  
  
Nagi's stupid-happy grin shifted into an evil one as he happily awaited Farf's news.  
  
"I saw him leaving a bar last night with Kudoh." Farfarello announced.  
  
Crawford snorted, while Nagi openly laughed at Schuldig.  
  
"Schu, have you checked yourself for herpes yet?" Nagi asked.  
  
"I got tested. Results'll be back in a week." Schu grumbled.  
"You'd better check yourself for syphilis too. And gonorrhea. And AIDS. And genital warts." Crawford added. Then something occurred to him. "Farfarello, you were out last night?"  
  
Farf whistled innocently as he edged towards the kitchen. Crawford flipped through the newspaper until he found Farf's headline.  
  
"Crazed foreigner attacks midnight mass. Thirty three dead, twelve injured. Reward for information-dammit Farf! Did anyone see you coming back here covered in blood?!" Crawford yelled, following Farfarello.  
  
"That description was vague, honestly Crawford, it could have been anyone! You always assume it's me!" Farfarello attempted to defend himself.  
  
Schuldig ignored them, deciding to lose himself in a fruity pebbles induced sugar high and the Looney Tunes golden collection DVD. Once he was set up with his cereal and cartoons, Nagi sat down next to him, watching him. Schuldig ignored him, but it was very hard to get into 'Duck Amuck' with such an intense gaze fixed on you.  
  
"WHAT?!" He finally snapped.  
  
"Just trying to figure out if you're a bottom or a top." Nagi answered with another grin.  
  
"None of your fucking business!" Schuldig shouted.  
  
"Dude! You were totally the bottom!" Nagi exclaimed.  
  
"You're dead Naoe!"  
  
"I gotta call Omi!"  
  
"I'll kill you!"  
  
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Yohji spent the better part of the next night trying to convince himself he was still straight. After all, one gay fling didn't make you gay…especially since he'd been so drunk he hardly remembered it…although what he did remember was kinda nice…no! It didn't count! He didn't want it. He'd probably just been a bit horny and there'd been a warm body next to him…yeah, that was plausible enough.  
  
He went cruising around his usual haunts, trying to score with a girl, but he wasn't having very good luck. He was still distracted enough about his night with Schuldig that he kept saying entirely the wrong thing.  
  
"My you certainly are female."  
  
"I'll bet you have a lovely vagina."  
  
SLAP  
  
He finally decided to give up, go home and have a chat with Omi about how he'd known.  
  
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Aya sat on the edge of his bed staring at his alarm clock. It was now three twenty two in the morning. Yohji had yet to come home, which meant he most likely wouldn't be returning. Ken was sleeping, if Aya strained his ears he could hear Ken's snores. If only Omi would go to bed!  
  
Aya had a secret shame to indulge, and he had no intentions of doing so while one of his roommates could potentially walk in on him. He decided to himself that if Omi didn't go to sleep within the next five minutes he was going to intervene somehow.  
  
The five minutes passed by. He got up and walked over to Omi's bedroom door. He pressed his ear against the door. He could hear typing. More than likely Omi was online chatting with his computer geek boyfriend.  
  
A plan occurred to Aya. He made his way down to the basement, hoping that Omi didn't have a back up battery for his laptop. Aya found the fuse box and gave it a good swipe with his katana. It was unfortunate that Omi hadn't thought of the fuse box when he'd cut the power to the house (see Malarkeys and Mayhem), it would've saved him a trip to and off the roof, not to mention some nasty cuts from the next door neighbor's rose bushes.  
  
Aya made his way back through the darkened house, heading back to his room. He paused outside Omi's room, and listened to Omi's feeble cries and the sound of him uselessly flicking the power switch. Aya waited tensely, until he heard Omi finally give up and go to bed.  
  
Meanwhile across town Nagi was panicking, thinking he'd inadvertently insulted Omi, and that was why he'd signed off so suddenly.  
  
Aya crept back into his room and to his closet. He opened it up and stared at the deceptive row of jeans, ugly orange turtle necks and t-shirts with a lace up front in seven different colors. Behind those were his work clothes, black and purple trench coats with various buckles and other slightly gothed out accessories. He pushed this all out of the way, pried up a loose floorboard in the bottom of the closet where he'd hid a flashlight and his secret shames and obsessions.  
  
Here were his personal effects.  
  
Here were the things that caused him to divert money from Aya's chan's medical bills.  
  
To one side, car wax, windshield fluid, a variety of steering wheel covers which he changed on rotation and other such pretty toys for his porshe. He'd once had Aya-chan's life support unplugged for two weeks when his porshe had needed a tune up.  
  
Next to the car effects were his other private obsession.  
  
Polo shirts, khakis, Old Navy, Lord and Taylor, the Gap, Abercrombie and Fitch…the general best sweat shops had to offer.  
  
Aya trailed a hand gently over the fabric, which he seldom let himself see, lest one of the others discover what they must never know.  
  
Fujimiya Aya was a yuppie.  
  
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Yohji wearily made his way over to the stairs, still lost in thought questioning his sexuality. He decided to check in and see if Omi was still awake (it wasn't unusual for him to be up at odd hours of the morning online doing work or just chatting). Finding the chibi's room to be dark and without the gentle glow of a computer screen, he headed towards his room.  
  
He was passing by Aya's room when he heard something very unusual. It almost sounded like a giggle. But it had come from Aya's room. Aya most definitely did NOT giggle. Someone had broken in and was attacking Aya!  
  
Yohji wasted no time in breaking into Aya's room to investigate, and what he saw instead frightened him into horrified silence.  
  
Aya stood before him wearing khakis, a striped pink and white collared shirt, a sweater tied around his neck and one of those really dumb looking yuppie/gilligan hats. He'd somehow rearranged and parted his hair so that it somehow looked more normal and…yuppie-ish.  
  
Aya looked like a deer in headlights, his eyes locked with Yohji's. Yohji's mouth was open in a wide 'O' of horror.  
  
Finally, Aya unfroze, and backed up until he hit his bed. He pulled off his blanket and tried to cover himself with it.  
  
"Don't look at me. Don't look at me!" He screamed.  
  
Deciding his tired brain had had enough for one evening, Yohji fled to his own room and dove under his covers, whimpering.  
  
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"I called the electric company Omi." Ken announced at breakfast the next morning. "They said someone would come by sometime today."  
  
"Sometime today? Did you tell them it was an emergency?!" Omi shrieked. The signs of computer withdrawl were already visible. He had bags under his eyes and he was shaking.  
  
"Omi, I think you have a problem you need to deal with." Ken said gently.  
  
"Damn right I have a problem! There's a computer upstairs that I'm not using because someone hacked our fuse box to shreds in the middle of the night!" Omi yelled. "It's a conspiracy! One of our enemies must have broken in, knowing that if they took out the computer, we'd be powerless!"  
  
"Omi…don't you think if one of our enemies wanted to take us out so badly that they'd sneak in, they would've just killed us in our sleep?" Ken asked, in a surprising moment of brain power.  
  
"Clearly they mean to torture us first." Omi pouted. "And now Nagi probably thinks I hate him since it signed me off with no warning."  
  
"Well then why don't you go see him in person?" Ken suggested.  
  
"But he's had all night to think about how much I hate him!" Omi exclaimed fearfully.  
  
Ken frowned. There was something about this computer life he'd never quite understood.  
  
"Omi, just eat your breakfast." Ken prodded.  
  
"Computer!" Omi wailed miserably.  
  
Yohji stumbled in then, distracting them both with his state of appearance. He was blinking a lot and smacking the back of his head, as though to loose some sort of horrid vision only he could see. That wasn't entirely unusual behavior, as Yohji occasionally awoke next to girls who were coyote ugly if he was drunk and desperate enough. What was so unusual was that he was so distressed by whatever he had seen that it had made him neglectful in his personal grooming. Most noticeably affected was his hair. He clearly wasn't using product.  
  
"Yohji? What happened?" Ken asked, concern thick in his voice.  
  
"Are you okay?" Omi added.  
  
"Yeah…yeah fine." Yohji said dazedly. "I just saw-"  
  
Aya interrupted him with a very loud coughing fit. Ken got up to pat him on the back and Omi filled a glass of water for him.  
  
As soon as Omi and Ken's backs were turned, Aya fixed his shi-ne glare on Yohji and dragged a finger slowly across his throat.  
  
"Right. I'm just gonna…go…now." Yohji said uncomfortably.  
  
TBC 


	2. Contraband

So...this is the chapter that got the story pulled and got a week long freeze put on my account. Check out the ever contraversial chapter two of Banned in Boston, if you dare!

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"I'm not doing it." Nagi flatly refused, knowing full well he was going to be made to do it, refusal or not. The refusal was more like a knee jerk reaction to being told he had to do something unpleasant. He was being ignored, either way.  
  
"Can't I get out of this mission because of that Furrie one?" Schuldig asked. (See Malarkeys & Mayhem)  
  
"That one was taken care of while you were in Florida. Nagi covered for you." Crawford explained. Schuldig's eyes widened, while Nagi shuddered.  
  
"You owe me big for that one Schuldig." Nagi spat.  
  
"Hey, I wasn't exactly having a ball having my mind raped by toddlers." Schuldig said defensively.  
  
"Either way, we're all unfortunately eligible for this mission and no amount of griping is getting us out of this." Crawford said with a long suffering sigh. He certainly hadn't wanted to accept it, not that refusing it had been an option. He'd tried claiming they were too busy guarding Takatori, but that was a fucking joke and Eszet knew it. The man had a private army at his command, so a mind sweep here, a vision there and their job was done for the day.  
  
"I don't know what you're all complaining about. Sounds like fun to me." Farfarello spoke up.  
  
"Fun?" Nagi asked.  
  
Farfarello shrugged. "It's certainly better than our last job-"  
  
"Farf, we agreed never to speak of that fiasco with the amphibaninjas." Schuldig cut him off while they all collectively shuddered.  
  
"Alright, I'll cede that point. Anything was better than that job we don't discuss. But going undercover as carneys? That's just demeaning. Why does Eszet even have business with carneys?" Nagi demanded.  
  
"Our mission's mostly tied to the freak show. You know how much our employers love experimenting on people. We need to off a few of the freaks, and to get close Eszet have taken the liberty of getting us jobs at the carnival." Crawford explained.  
  
"Ooo! Ooo! Can I work one of the crooked games?" Schuldig asked excitedly.  
  
"I want to run the rides." Farfarello said with a lopsided grin, visions of a ferris wheel coming loose and rampaging through the park lighting his face with twisted glee.  
  
"I don't know. They'll size us up when we get there tomorrow."  
  
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"This has got to be one of the lamest dark beasts we've ever gone after." Yohji announced as the lights went up. They were sitting in the mission room, fresh from a viewing of their latest mission tape.  
  
"What do you mean? It's pretty sleazy what they're doing." Omi said. Yohji shot him a look. "Alright, this doesn't quite compare with human chess or missing kidneys."  
  
"A dark beast is a dark beast and it's not up to you all to rank them. That's Persia's job. Will you be accepting?" Manx asked.  
  
"Shouldn't there be some legal route you guys can take? I don't see why we have to kill them." Ken noted.  
  
Manx sighed. "First, we're having a slow week. After that plane landed and the media hopped over what you did to the kidney doctor, we've had a bit of a shortage in dark beasts to send you after. Secondly, this may seem a bit drastic to you, but we're hoping to scare away people who may potentially do the same thing in the future."  
  
"Which is to say, if there are cameras around to catch these guys' mangled corpse, that would be preferable?" Yohji asked.  
  
Manx nodded. "Just don't get on those cameras yourself."  
  
Their dark beasts were the people responsible for the fake lance Armstrong foundation yellow bracelets and the fake charity ribbon magnets being sold. Sure, it was a pretty sleazy thing to profit under the guise of charity, but that hardly deemed a death sentence. One thing Manx certainly wasn't going to tell them was that back in his high school days, Kiriyama-san, who ran the company distributing the fake ribbon magnets, had picked on Persia and stuffed him in his locker a fair few times.  
  
"So…do you accept the mission?" Manx asked.  
  
Some very unenthusiastic 'What the hell' type of answers were heard, but all four Weiss accepted.  
  
No one really declined the missions anymore. That had been a problem for awhile, until Persia had thought up a way to fix the system. Now they were paid by the mission, more money for more difficult missions. If Aya wanted to keep his car in good condition (and oh yeah, Aya-chan and her medical bills…) then he had to accept every mission thrown his way.  
  
As soon as Manx passed out the manila folders with the specifics of the mission, he rather wished he'd passed. The most opportune moment to take out the targets would be during a 'charity' dinner at the yacht club. Thusly, the best way to get inside would be to go undercover…as yuppies.  
  
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Crawford distinctly didn't like the look on Schuldig's face. The slightly glazed look to his eyes that meant he was playing with someone else's mind. Normally he couldn't be bothered by it, but they were sitting outside the hut of their temporary boss at the carnival, having their jobs decided.  
  
And sure enough, Schuldig was picking through the man's mind, seeing what he had planned to use them for. He was going to assign Schuldig to one of the Kiddie land rides. Hell fucking no, he was not going to be dealing with squealing, happy children ever again if he could help it. He implanted a suggestion that Nagi would be much better at that, and then guided the man's mind to put him in charge of one of the dart games with Farfarello. That left Crawford. He was going to give him the semi-respectable job of managing the pizza hut (after all, from the man's resume he was overqualified for every job they had open anyway) but after a little tampering from Schuldig, the man couldn't figure out why he'd never noticed that Crawford would make a perfect dunk tank clown.  
  
As the glazed look left his eyes, Schuldig smirked evilly and Crawford liked that even less.  
  
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"How did you know you were gay?"  
  
Omi choked a bit on his cereal as that's not what one was accustomed to hearing as breakfast conversation, but then, he only would have been shocked if he'd heard Aya say it. He wasn't surprised at all that he'd be having this conversation with Yohji.  
  
Actually…considering Aya's help with his makeup for the gay prom, maybe he'd only be surprised that Aya was talking…  
  
"Well…for starters I like guys." Omi answered.  
  
"Don't you have anything more in depth to add to that?" Yohji snapped.  
  
"Yohji-kun…I just woke up." Omi whined.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"So…that fling with Schuldig really bothering you?" Omi asked.  
  
"What? How did you know about that?" Yohji sputtered.  
  
"Nagi told me." Omi said, grinning madly. "They've been teasing Schu about it relentlessly from the sound of it."  
  
"Well that's just great." Yohji snapped sarcastically. He sat down heavily on the kitchen chair opposite Omi. "Do you think I'm gay?"  
  
Omi hesitated before answering. "You…fit a few stereotypes. But that doesn't really mean anything. I mean, it all comes down to whether you prefer the company of men or women." Omi said carefully.  
  
Yohji nodded. "Wait. What stereotypes do I fit?" He demanded.  
  
"Er…" Omi was tempted to say all of them, but that wouldn't be entirely true either. He'd never once heard Yohji lisp.  
  
"If you say how I dress…" Yohji had a frightening glare fixed on him.  
  
"Hey, look at that. I'm gonna be late for school!" Omi said suddenly.  
  
"Omi!" Yohji exclaimed.  
  
"Listen, there's not much I can really do to help you. Maybe you should talk to Schuldig." Omi suggested.  
  
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"Hey there sweetheart. You don't look like you're from around here. You speak English?"  
  
Schuldig turned on the barstool to face the somewhat inebriated man who had spoken to him, a smirk on his face. Before leaving the apartment he shared with the other members of Schwarz he'd promised to behave, but when something like this just fell into your lap you couldn't ignore it. It wasn't his fault, really.  
  
"Yes." Schuldig answered with amusement.  
  
"Y'know yer pretty cute, even if you are kinda flat." The man slurred, sitting down next to Schuldig. He smirked even more broadly now.  
  
"Flat eh? Well I prefer to keep my man-tits to a manageable size. Yours are lovely though. What are you, a C-cup?" Schu asked pleasantly.  
  
The man's eyes widened in shock. "You're a guy? What're you doing with that long hair? You a faggot or something?"  
  
"Well, you're the one who just hit on a man, so I suppose that makes you more of a faggot than I am." Schu answered in that same, patronizingly pleasant tone. He faced towards his drink again, knowing exactly where this was going. The man's thoughts reeked of panic and rage. Panic at having done something that put his masculinity in danger. He had a group of friends nearby watching him, and drunk as they were, they would eventually notice that Schuldig was in fact, male. He was planning on making a point of it.  
  
Seems the man had never been all that secure about his masculinity. His name was Lindsey, after all.  
  
Schuldig decided he would have to visit the United States at some point. He really enjoyed fucking with the tourists he met while staying in Tokyo. They were all so angry and defensive, at least the ones that visited the bars he frequented.  
  
Lindsey grabbed Schu by the collar of his shirt and aimed a punch that never quite connected. Schuldig was quick to react, and with the alcohol in Lindsey's system slowing his movements, it didn't take him much effort to tilt his head to the side. Then Lindsey overbalanced and fell over. He almost took Schuldig down with him, what with that death grip on his collar. Schuldig wrenched his shirt free and then leered at the enraged American, now lying on the floor.  
  
"I'm gonna fucking kill you."  
  
"Well you're certainly welcome to try." Schu said cheerfully.  
  
"Stop smiling you bastard!" Lindsey yelled.  
  
At this point, his friends, who had been watching his pick-up attempt from across the bar, noticed him sprawled on the floor and came over to see what was going on. Schuldig sized them up. Counting Lindsey on the floor, he was looking at four good sized Americans. The perfect outlet for his aggression. And if he didn't kill any of them, then they probably wouldn't end up on the morning news, and then Crawford wouldn't threaten him with castration again.  
  
Something about the killing was pissing Crawford off lately. Something about it messing with his 'low-profile' plan. But if that was the case, then he really should piss and moan to Farfarello instead of Schu. Going out every now and then and getting into a bar fight was on a completely different scale than going out on a regular basis and killing religious figures.  
  
"Wha's going on Linz?" One of the three asked.  
  
"This fuckin' faggot's asking for a beating." Lindsey grunted in what he thought was a very manly way. Schuldig leaned against the bar and folded his arms across his chest.  
  
"Your friend got very disappointed when he realized I'm a man. I think he might be a self-hating gay." Schuldig answered.  
"That's it. Kill the bastard." Lindsey grunted, now that he'd gotten helped to his feet from Mark.  
  
Ooo…what interesting thoughts were running through Mark's head. Apparently he actually was a self-hating gay. And in love with Lindsey to boot. What drama.  
  
Although how one could be attracted to Lindsey, Schuldig couldn't really understand. The man was about fifty to seventy-five pounds overweight, had shaved his head, and sported a few obnoxious tattoos. Not to mention he reeked of cheap beer. Clearly Lindsey must have had a very nice personality when he wasn't drunk and angry.  
  
"Hey, if you're going to fight, take it outside." The bartender instructed.  
  
So, a few minutes later, they had relocated to the back of the bar. He'd gotten them nice and motivated to kick his ass. Lindsey needed to atone for his grave mistake of hitting on a guy, and Mark needed to defend his unrequited love's honor, as well as pound the scapegoat faggot to appease his own uncertainties about his sexuality. And the other two, Alan and Ernie, well, they were helping their friend. And relatively sure the four of them could take the one skinny German.  
  
"They're all so drunk they're about to topple over anyway. Where's your sense of sportsmanship?"  
  
Schuldig whipped around. He hadn't even noticed someone else entering the alley. Ah, the gay cowboy from Weiss. Although not dressed nearly as horribly as usual. He was wearing black jeans, and a very large button down blue shirt. Now if he'd only left the black cowboy hat at home, he would have looked decent.  
  
While Schu was distracted by Yohji's sudden appearance, Mark broke a beer bottle against his face with enough force to send him into the nearest of the brick walls of the dark alley.  
  
"Clearly they're not as drunk as you thought, now stay out of my way." Schuldig growled at Yohji, ducking their blows and looking for weapon. He had a gun on him, but if he used that then he'd most likely kill them and then he'd have to dispose of the bodies and lie to Crawford, and Crawford would know anyway, and it would just be a hassle.  
  
Lindsey rushed Schuldig while he was concentrating and knocked him into the wall. Schuldig almost passed out from Lindsey's foul breath in his face, not to mention the good three hundred pounds of meat crushing his ribs against unrelenting bricks, but he managed to knee Lindsey in the crotch, which was below his usual standards and he wasn't very pleased with himself. Damned cowboy, throwing off his fighting mojo.  
  
"That was classy." Yohji called from the sidelines.  
  
"There are four of them and they're all meaty!" Schuldig grunted, ducking another blow and simultaneously grabbing another one by the arm and flinging him into the dumpster. Where he found a two by four. Great.  
  
"I'm guessing you're the one who provoked this, so you probably shouldn't complain." Yohji noted.  
  
"Do you have a purpose for being here?" Schuldig demanded, now relying entirely on his speed to keep from being massacred. They weren't going down as easy as he wanted them to, and it really wasn't as much fun as it was supposed to have been. Maybe he would take out the gun.  
  
"You know, there are four of us in Weiss and you don't have nearly as much difficulty with us. It's almost insulting."  
  
"Yes, and when I take you on I have Schwarz backing me. Could you just shut up?" Schuldig snapped. It was a pastime of his, going out to clubs and bars and getting into fights. He liked playing with people's minds, and the fact that he didn't look very physically intimidating made for really fun bar fights…most of the time. Being wailed on by four tourists in front of one's adversary was not his idea of a fun time.  
  
Yohji, on the other hand, was enjoying himself. He decided to put off that discussion about how they'd inadvertently slept together, instead focusing on Nagi's request to do anything he could to annoy Schuldig, and he couldn't just ignore an opportunity like this. He decided to start playing with Schuldig's telepathy, and did the most annoying thing he could. He thought very clearly and as loudly as he could, the most annoyingly chipper and happy J-pop songs he could in Schuldig's direction.  
  
Not expecting the sudden onslaught of joyful mental music, Schuldig was caught off guard and he himself was hurled against the dumpster by Lindsey. Yohji watched in amusement as one of them grabbed Schuldig's arms and the other one grabbed his legs. He was still fried from the J-pop, and it was noticeable as they carried him over to a stack of trash cans and stuck him inside one of them. They then knocked it on its side and gave it a good hard kick that sent him rolling out into the street.  
  
They happened to be on a hill. They gave the barrel another good kick that sent Schuldig straight to the bottom.  
  
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Schuldig stumbled towards the elevator, sometime around one in the morning. He bumped into Farfarello and Nagi, who had spent the night tailing their new coworkers from the freak show.  
  
"You're looking well." Farfarello greeted. Schuldig growled at him in response.  
  
Bloodied, bruised, reeking of garbage and with teeny tiny pieces of beer bottle stuck in his cheek, Schuldig wasn't in a very good mood. After escaping the barrel, Schuldig had been faced with two tempting options. Sneaking into his room and never speaking of the events of his bar fight gone wrong for the rest of his days, or sneaking into Kudoh's room and shooting him in the back of the head. He'd decided on going home, both because they still needed Weiss alive, unwitting pawns, blah blah blah, and he had a slight worry in the back of his mind that he might do something other than shoot the prick.  
  
God he missed it when he could pee without that burning sensation.  
  
Schuldig growled again, and Nagi and Farf gave him some space in the elevator.  
  
The three made their way into the apartment, Schuldig intending on downing a bottle of aspirin and passing out in his room, but they all stopped in their tracks and gaped at what they saw in the living room.  
  
Brad Crawford, who didn't show emotion unless you counted scowling and the occasional arrogant smile, Brad Crawford who no one had ever seen in anything less proper than a pair of khakis and a button down shirt, that very same arrogant bastard leader of Schwartz, was sitting on the edge of the couch, eyes glued to the television screen, wearing jeans, a red sox jersey and a Yankee haters cap yelling at the screen.  
  
Apparently he hadn't expected them to be in so quickly.  
  
He saw them staring and tried to salvage what little of his image was left, and then David Ortiz hit a homer that sent the Sox into game five and he gave up completely.  
  
"YES!!! GO BIG PAPI!!!"  
  
The three Schwartz jumped back, something resembling fear on their faces as Crawford smacked the coffee table and hollered.  
  
"So…you're from Boston?" Schuldig asked one Crawford had settled down, latching on to the only thing that made sense in his new world. In all the years he'd worked with the man, he'd learned nothing. No hobbies or interests, no family, no idea where he was from, zilch. And Schuldig had thought he was being all mysterious keeping his real name a secret from everyone.  
  
"No. But I am from New England." Crawford answered, trying to regain his composure. He looked a little embarrassed. "You're home early."  
  
"They're not going to win." Schuldig put in.  
  
"I thought they won the game. Isn't that why everyone's hugging that fat black guy?" Nagi asked.  
  
"They can't lose against the Yankees at all if they want to make it to the series. There's no chance. Plus the curse and all." Schuldig explained. Crawford leveled a gun at his head, and he scowled, not intimidated in the slightest. "Please. I plucked that information from your head, you think I give a shit about American sports? You know they have no chance, so don't get all pissy with me."  
  
"Then you should have also caught on the fact that Red Sox fans are crazy." Crawford answered.  
  
"You want I should kill some Yankees?" Farfarello asked hopefully.  
  
"No, it's not a real victory unless we beat them fairly." Crawford explained, putting away his gun.  
  
Schuldig grinned. "I think I just became a Yankees fan." 333333333333333LATER THAT DAY33333333333333333333333333333  
  
"How exactly does one go about disguising oneself as a yuppie?" Omi asked.  
  
"Beats me. Jeans aren't yuppie, right?" Ken asked.  
  
"Depends. How much did you pay for them?" Yohji inquired.  
  
"Half price at WalMart." Ken said proudly (notice the author's brillaint dodge of having to convert dollars to yen, swish!)  
  
"I don't think WalMart is very yuppie." Omi said with a frown.  
"WalMart's more ghetto. Yuppie is…Yuppie is more like Abercrombie and Fitch. Or the Gap. Think sweatshops." Yohji explained.  
  
"Well I don't have anything from stores like that. Who would waste that much money on clothes?" Ken demanded.  
  
"The point is yuppies are rich. Maybe I'll borrow some clothes from Ouka and go in drag." Omi muttered.  
  
They were prepping for a simple sweep of the yacht club, to take notes on things like security before the big charity ball tomorrow night. As of right now, the three Weiss were still trying to figure out exactly what a yuppie was and how to dress the part.  
  
Aya entered the room in perfect yuppie-guise, getting stunned reactions from Omi and Ken, while Yohji was unable to meet his eyes. Aya fixed a glare on them.  
  
"What?" He demanded icily.  
  
"Can you help us with our disguises?" Ken asked, very impressed at Aya's ability to blend in. This was the least conspicuous disguise the red haired, purple eyed assassin had come up with yet (Author's Note, as far as I am concerned Aya is NEVER inconspicuous, EVER!)  
  
"…sure. Omi, lose the rainbow bracelet."  
  
"But Nagi made it for me…" Omi whined.  
  
"Lose it. Yuppies are closeted."  
  
TBC  
  
A/N I make no apologies. GO SOX!!! 


	3. But I'm Not Bitter

"What the fuck are you wearing?" Crawford demanded angrily. He was running on less sleep than usual, what with the record setting season lengthed post season games, but still waking at his normal early hour, and one thing he did NOT want to see first thing in the morning was pinstripes.  
  
"Like it?" Schuldig asked with a smirk, doing a twirl to bring Crawford's rage to a nice simmer. He was wearing a brand new Yankees jersey and cap, paid for with Crawford's credit card. He wasn't sure if he was going to tell Crawford that bit, not wanting to make the prick snap and actually kill him. Judging by that vein going near his temple, he was close.  
  
"Can you even name a player on the Yankees?" Crawford demanded.  
  
Schuldig grinned evilly. "Jeter. Matsui. Posada. A-rod-"  
  
"Shut up. Just shut up." Crawford growled.  
  
"You certainly did a lot of research." Nagi noted, giving the two men a good berth of distance as he went for the cereal.  
  
"Anything to piss someone off. Do you take a side?" Schuldig asked.  
  
"I hate both of the teams. I hate them both because they keep me awake at night with fans screaming and then I sleep through tests at school. I think I'm gonna sleep over Omi's during the World Series." Nagi snapped.  
  
"Hey, you're definitely not allowed to sleep over your boyfriend's house." Schuldig said.  
  
"Why not? You shared a hotel room with yours." Nagi put in smugly.  
  
"That slut is not my boyfriend and that was an accident!" Schuldig yelled defensively.  
  
"Nagi makes a good point." Crawford said with a grin.  
  
"Thank you Brad." Nagi answered with a smile, then turned a look towards Schuldig. Crawford frowned. No one had called him Brad, he didn't like being referred to by his first name. Now Nagi and Schuldig were snickering.  
  
"What's going on?" He demanded.  
  
"We just…lost a certain amount of respect for you…after seeing you, you know…" Nagi said, then started snickering more.  
  
"Dressed like a super fan?" Schuldig supplied.  
  
"Yeah…" Nagi trailed off, and then he and Schuldig were doubled over laughing.  
  
Crawford glared at them, all the while hoping they never saw him while he WAS decked out as a super fan, if just seeing him at home watching a game got this sort of a reaction.  
  
"Anyway, stop laughing! Anyway, today we start our jobs at the carnival. Schuldig, I need to talk with you. About my new job."  
  
"I think you'll make a fine dunk tank clown Bradleykins." Schuldig snickered.  
  
"Bradleykins? That's not even very good." Nagi said with a frown.  
  
"Can you just go back to my name? Crawford?" Crawford near begged.  
  
"Alright Crawfoo-chan." Farfarello spoke up from the doorway. And he was once again bloodstained.  
  
"If the Red Sox weren't winning, you'd all be dead." Crawford growled.  
  
3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333  
  
"Nagi? Um…I have a favor to ask you…" Omi looked very nervous.  
  
'He's breaking up with me. He's breaking up with me and he wants me to set him up with Farf. No, it's not Farf. He likes Schuldig now. That cowboy likes Schu and obviously he's like a role model to Omi and now I'm being pushed aside for Schuldig! My life is over, I'm going to go jump off a bridge!' Nagi thought in a panic. Outwardly he was a lot more calm.  
  
"What is it Omi?"  
  
"It's…well it has to do with Ouka."  
  
'That slut! That hussie! She's stealing Omi from me! That's it, I'm taking her incisors!'  
  
"What about?" Nagi asked pleasantly.  
  
"I need to borrow some clothes from her for a job…and that means going to her house…and I'm scared. Will you go with me?" Omi asked, flashing big puppy dog eyes.  
  
'How much do I love Omi…having to face that again…'  
  
"Please? I don't wanna go alone…she's always grabbing at me and hitting on me and it's really awkward because she won't believe I'm gay, and I've said she's like a sister to me and she doesn't get it!" Omi begged.  
  
And the possessive side of Nagi came out. Obviously, he was going to have to break the harlot's hand if it came near HIS boyfriend.  
  
"Alright."  
  
"Thank you Nagi!"  
  
3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333  
  
"Omi! What are you doing here? Come in, I was just about to leave for the shop too!" Ouka squealed, dragging him inside. Nagi followed, a possessive snarl on his face.  
  
"But we don't open today Ouka." Omi said feebly.  
  
"And that's why you came to visit me, isn't it? I'm so glad you're accepting this new turn in our relationship." Ouka ranted.  
  
"Relationship?" Nagi demanded.  
  
"Huh? Oh hi. Omi, who is this? Is he your little brother or something? Do you want a lollipop? Oh I just love little kids, Daddy says I'm really good with them and I'll make a good wife and mother someday." Ouka smiled patronizingly.  
  
Nagi glared. He'd never wanted someone dead so much before in his life, unless you counted Schuldig. God. Someone was rivaling Schuldig for Nagi's hatred.  
  
"I'm his boyfriend."  
  
"Oh that's good, you've got a good friend Omi?" Ouka's smile looked very determined now. Omi clung to Nagi's arm.  
  
"No Ouka, this is my boyfriend. We've been dating for almost a week now. Dating. Exclusive like. Because I'm gay. See how he's male?" Omi's voice had become very high pitched now.  
  
"That's a cute phase you're going through Omi. We can go to the mall and check out boys together."  
  
"I don't wanna check out boys, I have one. See?"  
  
"Well why are you bringing your little whore over to my house?" Ouka demanded, face going red again.  
  
"Whore?" Nagi screeched. Omi slapped his hand over Nagi's mouth. Nagi was still talking, but it wasn't clear what he was saying with Omi's hand blocking him.  
  
"Ouka, I need to ask you a favor?" Omi said sweetly.  
  
"Of course I'll marry you!"  
  
"-tampon popsicle!" Nagi screamed as Omi's hand fell away from his mouth while Omi recoiled. He backed up until he was standing with Nagi between him and Ouka. A tuft of blond hair was visible above Nagi.  
  
"Listen you deranged, delusional corkscrew haired stalker freak! He is mine, see that, mine! All mine! Stay away from him or I'll sick an insane one eyed Irishman on you! You two cent whore! You bastard bitch of a side burned megalomaniac! Your parents should have had an abortion!" Nagi screamed.  
  
Ouka's mouth was open, she was actually speechless for once. Omi, however, was not.  
  
"Nagi! What the hell was that? That was the cruelest thing you could say to someone!"  
  
Ouka, seeing potential in this, began to cry. Omi shoved Nagi out of his way to wrap a comforting arm around Ouka.  
  
"What? Is it the abortion line? I've heard that daily since I joined Schwartz." Nagi asked.  
  
"O-omi…I'm sorry, I sh-shouldn't have been so m-mean…I'm s-sorry your boyfriend d-doesn't want me to s-see you, e-even though y-you're the only f-friend I have-" Ouka sobbed.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry, I thought money could buy friends." Nagi put in, digging a deeper hole for himself.  
  
"Nagi!" Omi yelped. "Just leave. I'll talk to you later. You're making her more upset."  
  
"What?" Nagi asked in a small voice.  
  
Ouka gave him a smug look while Omi wasn't looking, then hugged Omi tightly and began sobbing with more vigor.  
  
Nagi walked himself out in a daze.  
  
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"Farf? Farf! Have you seen my Space Ghost DVD?" Schuldig yelled.  
  
"N-no." Farfarello lied unconvincingly.  
  
"Just let me see it and I promise I won't be mad." Schuldig said.  
  
"You're lying! You never mean it when you say that!" Farf accused. "I have scars!"  
  
"I've never given you a scar, you do it yourself."  
  
"I never said anything about you, I just said I had them. And I don't know where your DVD is. But you know, if you stopped leaving them in the player and put them in the case then this wouldn't happen-"  
  
"What did you do to my DVD? You know how much I hate Japanese TV, I need my cartoon DVDs to keep me sane. Now where is it?" Schuldig demanded.  
  
"One minute." Farfarello walked into his room, shut the door, and there was the sound of the locks being clicked into place. "I used it as a coaster."  
  
"DAMMIT!! OPEN THAT DOOR YOU ASSHOLE!!" Schuldig screamed, attempting to break the door down.  
  
"Make me!" Farfarello answered. "You have an unhealthy addiction to cartoons, I was helping you!"  
  
"Helping me my ass! You just don't care! Now open the damn door!"  
  
"No!"  
  
Schuldig ran into his room and flung open his window. Farf's room was right next to his. He was halfway out the window when Farf caught sight of him.  
  
"I wouldn't try that if I were you Schu! My windows have bars! Even I can't get out!" Farf called.  
  
Schuldig angrily shook his fist at Farf. He then sifted through the growing pile of garbage on his nightstand before he found Crawford's debit card and his car keys, and decided to go to the mall and buy a new one.  
  
3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333  
  
"Looney Tunes Golden Collection Volume two or Ren and Stimpy…hmm…may as well get them both, it's not my money anyway." Schuldig decided, dumping them into his basket with the small pile. He then began the slow stroll to the registers when he caught sight of a stray Weiss.  
  
"Yohji, are these jeans yuppie? I still can't even tell what the hell yuppie is." Ken whined.  
  
"Rich. So, not in this department store." Yohji answered patiently.  
  
"But I can't afford rich! I'm not spending a week's salary on a pair of pants." Ken said with a frown.  
  
"Maybe we could use this as a business expense." Yohji thought aloud.  
  
"If they don't let us use gas then they won't let us use an outfit." Ken answered. "What if we return them after the mission?"  
  
"Then we'd have to keep the tags. Oh, and blood stains." Yohji put in. "Might be suspicious."  
  
"We could wear ponchos!" Ken thought.  
  
"Right. Because that's not suspicious at all." Yohji said sarcastically. "Ponchos and hidden weapons." Pause. "How the hell is Aya going to hide his katana anyway?"  
  
"Same way he always does I suppose." Pause. "How does Aya do that anyway?"  
  
They both thought about it for a minute. A watch with wire, a glove, and a few darts were in a totally different league from a full sized katana.  
  
"Maybe it's collapsible." Yohji muttered, although he didn't really believe it.  
  
"Maybe it's a magic katana! Like in the movies, and it's really small until you say a magic word and it gets bigger! I bet the magic word is shi-ne, cause Aya says it all the time."  
  
"So you say a magic word and Aya's _sword_ gets bigger." Yohji asked.  
  
Ken looked at him blankly for a second. "I know you're making fun of me somehow. And I know it has to do with your sick depraved mind and I am very offe-ooo and Orange Julius stand!" Ken said distractedly, making his way out of the store. Yohji made to follow him when he walked into Schuldig.  
  
"Wh-what are you doing here?" Yohji sputtered.  
  
"Stalking you." Schuldig answered flatly.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Well it's what you're thinking. I'm here buying cartoons since Farf used my DVD as a coaster." Schuldig held up his basket full of DVDs for inspection.  
  
"Do you really need more of those?" Yohji asked.  
  
"No. But it's not my money." Schuldig answered lightly. "Now if you'll kindly move yourself out of my way, I'm going to go purchase these and watch them."  
  
"All of them? Right now?" Yohji asked in disbelief.  
  
"Is this another criticism of what I do with my life?" Schuldig snapped.  
  
…  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I'll file that away for later consideration. But I would like to add that my hobby has never once made it painful to urinate." Schuldig snapped.  
  
"Look, if you're having that kind of problem then it wasn't from me." Yohji put in.  
  
"Well I haven't fucked anyone else recently! Maybe all of the STDs you're carrying cancel each other out for you!" Schuldig yelled.  
  
At that moment a couple of nuns walked by, looking scandalized at the conversation they'd picked up.  
  
"Haven't fucked anyone recently eh?" Yohji asked once the nuns were out of ear shot.  
  
"Shut up." Schuldig snapped, walking past Yohji very quickly towards the very long line at the register. Yohji stood behind him, realizing he'd hit on something here.  
  
"So when was the last time you were laid then?"  
  
"Halloween. You should know, you were there!" Schuldig growled. They were standing behind the nuns. "Good afternoon sisters."  
  
The nuns began whispering to each other nervously.  
  
"Well before that then. And don't say the night of the gay prom because I was there for that one too." Yohji prodded. Schuldig didn't say anything, wishing for the line to go quicker. "So after me no one else would do?"  
  
"Or maybe you turned me off sex! After all, IT BURNS WHEN I PEE!" Schuldig yelled. The store went quiet at that bit of information no one really wanted to know (except for the cashier, who was a yaoi fan and already picturing Yohji and Schuldig in positions that weren't physically possible, or suitable for this fic.) The line went much more quickly after that, and no one really spoke again until Schuldig left. Yohji tailed him, prodding at him some more.  
  
"Hey…you weren't a virgin or something, were you?" Yohji asked.  
  
"No!" Schuldig yelled. "It's not really your business anyway! Leave me alone before I implode your brain!"  
  
"You're not allowed to kill me." Yohji reminded him.  
  
"No, but I can set you back to the mind set of a toddler! You're still alive that way!" Schuldig snapped.  
  
"But then you'd be a pedophile." Yohji answered.  
  
"What? I'm not sleeping with you again! Twice was more than I wanted!" Schuldig exclaimed.  
  
"Oh come on. What's your excuse for the second time. You weren't even drunk. Unless you're enough of a pussy to get shit faced off of two sips of a wine cooler." Yohji stopped halfway through a laugh when he noticed Schuldig's face had gone red. "Oh my god, you really were drunk again, weren't you?"  
  
"Shut up!" Schuldig growled. He sped up, he could see his car now in the parking lot. Yohji kept following him.  
  
"Listen, I'm sorry. I never go that far with girls when I know they're drunk."  
  
"Leave me alone, I don't want your pity." Schuldig snapped.  
  
A school bus stopped near them, and a group of middle school girls climbed out of it for some kind of field trip. They caught sight of the cute Bishi arguing with each other and started walking much more slowly, to their teacher's annoyance.  
  
"I can't believe you're that much of a lightweight." Yohji continued, oblivious to Schuldig's mood. He had no idea how far he was pushing him. "I mean, the amount of time you spend in bars-"  
  
"I usually get a coke, now can you stop it? Stop following me dammit!" Schuldig hissed, noticing the school girls staring at them. His car was so close.  
  
"Sorry I deflowered you-"  
  
"YOU DIDN'T FUCKING DEFLOWER ME, OKAY?! YOU WEREN'T MY FIRST AND YOU WEREN'T MY BEST!! So don't let this go to your head!" Schuldig screamed.  
  
The school girls were giggling.  
  
"So what if this was my first time on bottom!" Schuldig stomped past his car and took off at a run for home.  
  
Yohji watched him go, a look of shock on his face.  
  
"What an asshole." One of the school girls whispered to another one, who agreed.  
  
"I can't believe he made that other guy cry."  
  
"What?" Yohji yelped. "He wasn't crying! He was just very upset. And he left his car." Pause. "He's evil! And why am I defending myself to twelve year olds? I'm going home, I don't need this!"  
  
Yohji marched off, the school girls pointing after him and yelling mean things to him as he went.  
  
3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333  
  
Schuldig stopped in a convenience store for some comfort Ben & Jerry's since clearly Fruity Pebbles weren't going to help soothe his ego after that display (A/N He is being SUCH a girl right now) and then he went straight home and to the living room. He put in the Roadrunner disc of the new Looney Tunes DVD.  
  
"Mindless violence, you will soothe my fragile nerves." Schuldig said with a sigh, then collapsed on the couch.  
  
He was just starting to get comfortable. Then he heard a soft cackle and a pillow was thrust over his face, suffocating him. He flailed his limbs, trying to shake off his assailant.  
  
Nagi had been crouched behind the couch, waiting for him. He now had his full weight devoted to suffocating Schuldig, since obviously his fight with Omi (in his mind it was a complete break up with no chance of getting back together, teen angst and whatnot) was Schuldig's fault.  
  
"I DON'T KNOW HOW OR WHY BUT I KNOW YOU DID THIS!!" Nagi screamed.  
  
Farfarello finally exited his room, curious about the noises he was hearing.  
  
"Nagi!? What are you doing?!" Farfarello shrieked. He dove for the couch. "You're getting Ben & Jerry's everywhere! I'll have to confiscate this."  
  
He sat down on the arm of the couch, out of reach of Schuldig's flailing limbs, and watched them. "Really Schuldig, you couldn't have gotten Phish Food? It's so much better than Cherry Garcia."  
  
Nagi was laughing hysterically as Schuldig's struggles became weaker.  
  
Crawford walked through the room gloomily, clutching the makeup kit he'd been given for dunk tank duty. He thought about stopping Nagi, then said.  
  
"You deserve this."  
  
And walked into his bedroom. Then he paused, and considered if they could really afford to lose Schuldig this early into his master plan. He decided they couldn't and walked back into the living room, cursing Schuldig for being such an asset. He managed to pry Nagi away from Schuldig's head, only able to accomplish this since Nagi was so hysterical he wasn't using his powers at all.  
  
Schuldig was limp at this point and his lips had turned blue.  
  
"Dammit. One of us is gonna have to give him CPR." Crawford assessed.  
  
"I'm not doing it, I did it last time." Farfarello objected.  
  
"I think we should let him die this time!" Nagi yelled.  
  
"Yeah, got that." Crawford snapped. "Fine, I'll do it."  
  
Then Schuldig began coughing and gasping. Nagi leaned over him with the pillow, and Crawford grabbed Nagi and started pulling him towards his bedroom.  
  
"Let me go! Let me go, I won't kill him! Not all the way! I just want to make him suffer, suffer like I'VE suffered!" Nagi screamed as Crawford locked him in his room.  
  
"You're in time out!" Crawford yelled. "No dates this week!"  
  
"I don't think that'll be too much trouble since Schuldig made Omi dump me!" Nagi sobbed loudly.  
  
"Nagi, you can't blame everything bad that's happened to you on Schuldig. Even though you'd be right most of the time." Crawford said patiently to Nagi's door. "Besides, Schuldig's not about to end your relationship, since he went through so much trouble to create it in the first place."  
  
"What?" Nagi asked, momentarily forgetting his despair at this interesting little tidbit.  
  
"You're grounded! And no trying to kill your teammates!" Crawford yelled, changing the subject and walking away from the door. Nagi kept yelling, but Crawford was ignoring him. He turned his attention to Schuldig and whether or not he was okay.  
  
"He doesn't have any brain damage." Farfarello reported.  
  
"Gimme my ice cream." Schuldig said weakly, making his way towards the couch.  
  
"Maybe he's got some damage then. Remember, I bought this ice-cream Schuldig." Farfarello said gently.  
  
"Right. Right after you bought me new DVDs after I used Space Ghost as a coaster." Schuldig snapped.  
  
"See, he's getting it back." Farf said hopefully.  
  
"Farfarello give him his ice-cream. Schuldig give me my debit card. Since you almost died I'll pretend this shopping spree didn't happen. What did you do to Omi anyway?" Crawford said tiredly.  
  
"Nothing I know of. I haven't seen the kid since…grr…" He trailed off, thinking of Halloween morning and having to exit the Koneko after, after…grr…  
  
"Schuldig you're growling. I think I will take my leave." Farfarello decided, heading towards his room after surrendering the ice cream, or half empty pint of ice cream.  
  
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"I don't believe you." Crawford said in a low, low voice.  
  
"What? I can't fix it. He developed impressive telepathic shields overnight. What's so hard to believe about that?" Schuldig asked innocently.  
  
Crawford glared at him.  
  
"Look on the bright side. At least Farf agreed to help you do your makeup. You'll be a scary clown!"  
  
"I'm going to kill you."  
  
"But you promised Nagi you'd let him do it. That's unfair you know."  
  
"We can find another telepath. It may take weeks, months, maybe even years, but it will be worth it. And for the last god damn time take off that Yankees hat!"  
  
Bing!  
  
And Crawford fell into the tank.  
  
Thud.  
  
There was no water in it yet.  
  
"Right, so it works!" Schuldig called.  
  
3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333  
  
"And then he said that I was his, and he told Ouka her parents should have had an abortion." Omi whined. "I mean, I am not property! I guess he was kinda…but no! It's bad."  
  
"Wait a minute, he told Ouka that? That's a little harsh. What did she say to him?" Yohji asked.  
  
"She was crying-"  
  
"No, I mean before."  
  
Omi gave him a blank look. "Is there something you can say to merit that response?"  
  
Yohji sighed. "Normal people, no. No, it's never okay to say that. But Nagi…well, you've seen how Schwartz act. Think about the environment he was raised in. That could be as casual as us calling Ken dumb."  
  
"Your parents should have had an abortion." Omi said flatly.  
  
Yohji thought back to Halloween. "Think about what Schuldig almost did to him."  
  
"Right. I suppose you've got a point. But still-"  
  
"But still it's not the end of your relationship. Just a hurdle." Yohji said dismissively. "Let's get ice cream cones."  
  
The two were at the carnival to distract themselves from their horrible, horrible relationships (not that Yohji was admitting he was in one, accidentally sleeping with someone twice was NOT a relationship). Aya was scouting the Yacht club alone, as he was the only one who could successfully pull off posing as a yuppie at that point, and they'd left Ken alone at the shop figuring all the fan girls would go to the carnival.  
  
Yohji and Omi got their ice cream and sat down on a bench. "So what about you then? How's your Schwartz problem going?" Omi asked pleasantly.  
  
Yohji scowled. "It's not going anywhere."  
  
"Oh is that the problem?" Omi asked.  
  
"No! The problem is that fate or whatever is trying to make it go somewhere! Does sleeping with a guy twice make me gay?"  
  
"Were you drunk both times?" Omi asked.  
  
"…"  
  
"Yohji? I think you're either gay, insanely attracted to Schuldig or both." Omi decided. "I'd go with the insane thing, not necessarily insanely attracted, but insane."  
  
"Maybe it's stress. I mean, killing people, it's a stressful job-"  
  
"You don't seem to let it get to you. At least not the same way, say, Ken-kun does." Omi noted.  
  
"Fine. So maybe I'm attracted to Schuldig. Maybe we were lovers in a former life, and he was a girl! Then it's not even fair that I'm attracted to him because a previous me was. I'm not gay, Schu's soul is just female." Yohji decided.  
  
"Suddenly I feel a lot better about me and Nagi's problems. Hate to say it, but our relationship seems healthy now." Omi muttered. Then something caught his eye. "Is that Crawford in a dunk tank?"  
  
"This we need to investigate." Yohji decided. "Omi, how's your wrist?"  
  
"It's good."  
  
"Up for some baseball?" Yohji asked pleasantly.  
  
They finished up their cones and stood in line for the dunk tank. While in line, Yohji was distracted.  
  
"That's right, you heard me, every game's a winner, everyone's a winner here! Stand back boy, but tell everyone where you got that toy. Step up, step up, try your luck and walk out a winner!"  
  
"Crawford at the dunk tank, and Schuldig at one of the crooked games? You think there's a conspiracy here we need to look at?" Yohji asked, pointing out the dart game to Omi. Omi shrugged his shoulders.

"Is there a conspiracy _you_ want to look at Yohji-kun?" Omi asked sweetly.  
  
"Yeah. I'm going to the dart game. Shut up."  
  
Omi smirked as he stepped up for the dunk tank game.  
  
"High and dry-oh shit." Crawford said as he recognized the expert dart thrower. "Hey there shorty…" He said weakly, and then fell into the sludgy carnival water. He climbed back onto his little seat. "Okay you dunked me, now walk away with your prize-"  
  
"I've got four balls left." Omi noted, tossing one casually.  
  
"Hey look, someone finally got the dunk tank clown!" A bystander called. A crowd gathered around Omi.  
  
"Listen, I'll pay you twice what this game costs if you'll just walk away." Crawford begged.  
  
Sploosh!  
  
"I think there's something alive in here!" He yelped, hoisting himself up onto the seat and hugging his knees, only to fall into the 'water' again almost immediately.  
  
"Triple!" He yelled as something brushed past his leg.  
  
Sploosh!  
  
He climbed back onto the seat, consoling himself with visions of Nagi ripping Schuldig's spine out of his back and using it as a belt as Omi fired his last perfect pitch to send him back into the sludgy liquid. At least now it was over.  
  
"Alright, now get your prize and leave."  
  
"Who me?" Omi asked, pulling out a Hello Kitty change purse. "I'm just warming up." He said with a sweet smile, buying another five balls.  
  
MEANWHILE AT THE DART GAME  
  
"Where are all my customers going?" Schuldig wondered aloud, watching a crowd rush away.  
  
"Dude, there's this little girl at the dunk tank with a really good arm, she's gotten the guy almost twenty times in a row now!" Someone called.  
  
"Great. Farf, take your lunch break." Schuldig snapped irritably. He loved fleecing people of their money almost as much as he loved pissing off Nagi. So far he'd made more money than any game booth had in the carnival's history.  
  
Farfarello put up the last of the poorly made stuffed bears and excitedly took off in the direction of the ferris wheel.  
  
Schuldig attempted to heckle members of the mob rushing towards the dunk tank, but quickly gave up and sat down with a caramel apple to wait it out.  
  
And then Yohji approached the booth, and Schuldig's smile turned very forced. A very awkward silence arose, the kind full of sexual tension. And a slow burning anger.  
  
Yohji coughed.  
  
"So…every game's a winner." Schuldig said lamely.  
  
"Do you have some sort of evil scheme going on?"  
  
"Bradley's in a dunk tank. Of course this has to do with the end of the world." Schuldig said patronizingly.  
  
"Well, thought I'd ask. Formality and all. So…how've you been?"  
  
"Burning and itchy." Schuldig snapped.  
  
"Right. Look…uh…I'm sorry. About earlier, and the uh-"  
  
"I don't care. You can just stay out of my life until I have to pretend to be trying to kill you again, okay?" Schuldig responded. "Now move on, you're scaring away my customers."  
  
"No, it's not okay. I'm sorry I was an asshole. You know, you're never going to be on the receiving end of an apology again so you might want to enjoy this."  
  
"That helps you out there Yohji. Insulting me while apologizing to me. I feel honored." Schuldig snapped.  
  
"Can you cut the sarcasm and just listen? I shouldn't have fucked you while you were drunk and I wasn't, and I shouldn't have followed you and picked at you in front of those nuns and school girls. And I shouldn't have chased you from your car. Now look, before all this drama started we were getting along okay. I had fun hooking up the chibis with you and talking to you before we…uh…yeah. I liked that. Well, not the, but the talking. So, can we go back to that?" Yohji asked.  
  
Schuldig paused, not sure how to process that. He was cornered, and he'd never been in a situation like this before. "I don't really do the friendship thing that well. My closest friend is Farfarello."  
  
"Someone let the emus out of their cages!" A man screamed, running from the ostrich sized angry birds that were chasing after people.  
  
"Oh my God the Ferris Wheel's come loose!" A woman shrieked.  
"That's fine. My closest friend right now is Omi." Yohji said. "It is kinda hard to come by friends with our profession."  
  
"An emu stole my baby!"  
  
"Maybe you should come in here, it doesn't sound stable out there." Schuldig offered. Yohji climbed over the edge and stood in the game booth next to Schuldig. They watched as a swarm of petting zoo goats joined the emus in the mass destruction.  
  
"Farf?" Yohji asked.  
  
"Most definitely. He's been looking at that Ferris wheel since we got this job." Schuldig answered.  
  
A silence developed between them, but for once it was comfortable as they watched the havoc unfold.  
  
"Hey, is Nagi here somewhere?" Yohji asked.  
  
"Yeah, he's running one of the kiddie rides." Schuldig answered.  
  
"Oh good. Maybe he can make up with Omi now then." Yohji thought. "That'd be nice."  
  
Meanwhile, in the swarm of emus, goats and Ferris Wheel a giant teddy bear with skinny legs was making its way through the carnival.  
  
Nagi caught sight of it from where he was evacuating a mini titl-a-whirl and paused in his actions. The bear seemed to be heading for him, so he quickly helped the last child out of the ride and then walked over to the bear.  
  
"I'm sorry." Omi's voice said from behind the massive stuffed animal.  
  
"For what?" Nagi asked. "Don't you hate me?"  
  
"Yohji-kun put it in perspective for me. I won this bear at the dunk tank. Do you want him?" Omi asked. "I already named him Master Cuddles, duke of Wellington."  
  
"That's a distinguished title for a carney bear. I like it. Thank you Omi. I promise not to yell at any more of your friends. Or refer to you as property." Nagi said, floating the bear with his powers so he could see Omi.  
  
Omi ran over to hug Nagi, and they had a happy moment, until an emu squawked at them and they dove for the relative safety of the evacuated titl-a-whirl. They caught sight of Farfarello riding a goat into the sunset.  
  
"Born free! As free as the wind blows, as free as the grass grows!" Farfarello sang.  
  
"Your roommates are so insane. I'll try to remember that from now on." Omi decided, holding Nagi's hand as they watched the carnival burn down.  
  
"Yeah. I wonder if anyone remembered to kill the targets." Nagi mused.  
  
"I'm pretty sure the emus will get them." Omi responded.  
  
"If not Crawford will. He's good about that stuff." Nagi decided.  
  
TBC  
  
A/N If that seemed a little plug heavy for our Halloween special than I'm sorry. Fact is though, an important event did go down in that fic, the important event being Yohji/Schuldig part two. Yeah. I don't think I even know where this is going anymore. Gotta love the school girls.  
Chikin says hi, she wrote this one with me again. And she's sleepy so I'll let you all go now.  
Please remember to review! Happy something people! 


	4. buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

And I quote: _"Our mission's mostly tied to the freak show. You know how much our employers love experimenting on people. We need to off a few of the freaks, and to get close Eszet have taken the liberty of getting us jobs at the carnival." Crawford explained._

Taken from Banned in Boston chapter two, they totally had targets they were after! We just didn't elaborate on them…that much. That would be, like, a plotline…or something. This thing was supposed to be called the Yuppie arc, and well, yeah, we've done a lot with that evil Yacht club, haven't we? Yeah. Anyway, on with da ficcie! And thanks for reviewing!

AT THE YACHT CLUB

There wasn't much in the way of security, which meant the mission would go pretty smoothly. Get in, a quick power outage here, slashy-slashy a victim there, leave unnoticed and their job would be done. Aya was slowly sidling over to a door marked 'employees only' to get a view of their fuses when someone greeted him.

"Hello there. Are you, you can't be, I haven't seen him in ages. You're not Fujimiya Ran, are you?" A girl about his age asked nervously. He vaguely remembered her from his pre-Weiss days. She'd been friends with Aya-chan. Shit. Well at least she seemed doubtful.

"N-"

"You are Ran-san! Don't you remember me? I used to play with your sister when we were kids! Where have you been?" She asked pleasantly.

'Dead.' Aya thought to himself. No way he was going to convince her he wasn't himself now. Damned conspicuous features and coloring.

He was dragged off to reacquaint himself with her family, stuttering protests while she chatted away, blatantly ignoring anything he said.

MEANWHILE

Yohji and Omi headed back to the Koneko, in much better spirits than they'd been when they'd set out for the fair. It had taken them awhile to find each other in the chaos, or rather, it had taken Yohji awhile to find Omi and Nagi necking in a tilt-a-whirl, but after that they'd had a pleasant walk home.

Omi was back in stupid-happy mode over the state of his relationship. Yohji half listened, occasionally chiming in with some sort of 'that's wonderful, glad you're happy' type comment when appropriate.

They came to a sudden halt when they caught sight of the Koneko. It looked like the emus and goats had made their way across town to the flower shop. The glass was shattered, pots had been broken and spilled, furniture tipped over and a hose was running.

"Ken!" Yohji and Omi yelled at the same time, unfreezing and charging into the Koneko. It was empty, save for Ken huddled in a corner, hugging his knees with one hand and holding up a daisy as menacingly as possible whilst shaking and unblinking.

"Can't see me…can't see me while I'm hiding…too many, all touching…giggling…swarms…can't process…too much…" Ken whispered shakily.

Yohji and Omi crouched next to him. "Guess they didn't go to the carnival." Omi said stupidly.

"Note to self, one person is never enough to man the shop, no matter what the circumstances." Yohji muttered. "Ken? Are you okay?"

"Honestly Yohji-kun, does he look okay?" Omi asked.

"Well I thought it might get him to talk to us instead of himself. He hasn't looked at either of us yet. I don't know if he's even blinked." Yohji said with a frown, waving a hand in front of Ken's face.

"I don't think he's blinked for awhile now Yohji-kun, look at that flower petal stuck to his eyeball." Omi noted.

"One of us should pull it off, can't be good for his vision." Yohji muttered. None of them made a move.

"Any minute now Yohji-kun." Omi prodded.

"I'm not doing it, he looks like he's ready to snap!" Yohji argued.

"But I don't wanna do it!" Omi whined. He used his most effective weapon, and turned the puppy dog eyes onto Yohji.

"Will you quit it? You're seventeen, that shouldn't wor- oh hell, fine I'll do it, just stop looking at me!" Yohji yelled. He took a calming breath and then tentatively reached out a hand to pluck off the flower petal.

And Ken finally noticed them.

MEANWHILE

"Is there something wrong with Farfarello?" Nagi asked worriedly. He'd just walked through the living room where he'd found Farfarello with a 96 pack of crayolas (with crayon sharpener) drawing stick figure family pictures repeatedly. He had to be on his thirtieth at that point. So Nagi had said nothing and walked into the kitchen, where Schuldig and Crawford were eating breakfast.

"Is there something wrong with Farf? Think about what you said there Nagi." Schuldig said with amusement.

"I know! I mean besides the obvious psychotic tendencies and religious paranoia and all that. He hasn't even come up with a good conspiracy theory lately, and now he's coloring! Isn't that a little weird?" Nagi asked.

"Just leave him alone for awhile." Crawford said, as Schuldig rose from his chair and made for the living room. "Schuldig. Leave him alone."

"But I am his friend and if he is upset he should talk to me." Schuldig said, very unconvincingly.

"Since you're charging into this, I get to do an 'I Told You So' dance later when he almost kills you." Crawford said.

"What's he gonna do, stab me through the heart with a crayon?" Schuldig asked, taking his leave of the kitchen.

"Yes." Nagi snapped.

LATER AT THE EMERGENCY ROOM

Had ya going there, didn't we? But really, they are at the emergency room, sans crayon in heart.

"I'm glad you're feeling better now Ken-kun." Omi said sweetly. "It's too bad about your eye though."

"The doctor said the eye patch is only temporary. That's good at least. Is Yohji out of surgery yet, I really need to apologize." Ken said guiltily.

They were in the waiting room while Yohji was getting stitches. Ken had been seen about the damage he'd inflicted to his eye while Yohji had attempted to peel off the flower petal, and after that they were gonna head back to the shop and clean up.

"Hey Omi, isn't that your boyfriend?" Ken asked, pointing to the door.

"Nagi-kun! I'm so happy to see him-at the emergency room…" Omi's voice trailed off as his eyes teared up.

Meanwhile, Nagi slouched into the emergency room with the rest of Schwartz, annoyed at having to waste another Saturday at the emergency room and regretting leaving his laptop at home. Now he was screwed for his homework. Then he was hit by something moving too fast for him to see. He fell backwards a few steps before he quite heard the wailing, and then figured out it was Omi.

"What are you doing here? Are you okay? You're not dying, are you? Oh my God I'm gonna be a widow! Er. Widower!" Omi sobbed. "I'm too young for you to die! You're too young for you to die!"

"Omi I'm not dying! We're here about Schuldig!" Nagi yelped, trying to pry Omi off a little as he was getting uncomfortable.

"Damn right we are, outta my way! Nurse!" Schuldig snapped, pushing the chibis over. "I need to have a tumor removed, and it's damned malignant!"

Farfarello was clamped onto his arm, growling. His teeth were sunk in deep, and his lips were stained with blood, as was the front of his t-shirt.

Crawford followed, muttering angrily and clutching the insurance cards.

Nagi sat down with Omi and Ken, trying to pretend he wasn't with Schwartz since they were getting by far the most attention of anyone in the emergency room. "So what are you in for?" Nagi asked conversationally.

"We left Ken-kun alone at the shop." Omi explained. "So he kinda lost it and attacked Yohji-kun. Yohji-kun's getting stitches right now. But on the bright side I got to drive a car here!" Omi said brightly.

"I didn't know you had your license." Ken reflected.

"I don't." Omi answered. "I have a permit. I couldn't fit you all on my bike so I drove Aya-kun's Porsche. Do you think he'll mind?"

"I'm sure he'll be fine about it." Ken said dismissively.

'Even though I sorta scratched it a little in the parking lot.' Omi thought to himself. But Aya wasn't really very materialistic, he shouldn't mind…

Meanwhile, at the yacht club Aya jerked for no apparent reason, feeling a stab of pain in his frozen little ice-heart he couldn't explain.

Yohji entered the waiting room, nodded at Schuldig who was filling out forms with Farfarello still attached to his arm, and walked over to Omi and Ken. Omi said goodbye to Nagi and they left the emergency room together.

"Well that wasn't too bad at least." Omi said optimistically.

"I like my eye patch. I think it's kinda pretty. Do you guys wanna sign it?" Ken asked brightly. "Maybe I'll keep it like this though. I think it makes me look dark. And moody."

"I think it makes you look like a gay pirate." Yohji snapped. His stitches were itchy.

"So now we've got a gay cowboy and a gay pirate." Omi noted nervously. Yohji lost it.

"I am not in the mood for this! I was trying to help you Ken, fuck that! If this is what I get for it-I got twelve stitches, these ones, on my arm, and then three you don't even wanna know where, and-"

"Do you hear sirens?" Omi asked.

"We're at a hospital Omi! Of course there are fucking sirens!" Yohji snapped.

"But they're getting close." Ken noted.

"I am not done ranting, do not change the fucking sub-"

And Yohji was cut off as an ambulance ran him over.

LATER

Schuldig glared. He hated hospitals. Fucking Farf. Of course he would have to carry all sorts of diseases, so now he had to stay at least overnight for observation while they sent his blood away for tests. They could already tell he had something, since his bite wound was infected, it was pussing purple.

For safety they had given him all manner of painful vaccinations. Crawford had pulled some amount of strings to get them to release Farf, because if they kept him at the hospital for a minute longer they would've shipped him off to the nuthouse, and it would've taken months to go through all the paperwork to get him out of one of those places…again.

Too bad. It wouldn't have been so bad with Farf as his roommate. He wasn't even sure who his roommate was going to be.

And then a very pissed off cowboy was wheeled in with a giant cast on his leg.

"Listen, you're obviously cranky Kudoh-san, let's tell jokes to lighten the mood!" The nurse suggested happily.

"Okay, sure! I've got a killer joke for you!" Yohji said brightly. "Now you gotta tell me if you've heard this one before. A gay cowboy, a gay pirate and a little girl walk out of an emergency room. Okay, then the cowboy gets hit by an ambulance!" Yohji yelled, and the nurse backed away a bit. With the aid of another nurse, they got Yohji onto the hospital bed, and she handed him a button with a wire sticking out of it.

"Here. This is the morphine."

"Excuse me?" Yohji asked.

"For the pain. Just punch the button once and all the bad little pain monsters will go away." The nurse explained.

"Can I have morphine?" Schuldig asked.

"No dear." The nurse answered.

"But my arm's turning purple!" Schuldig yelled.

"Sorry, it's on your chart. No morphine. Oh, this is your new roommate. He just came in today too."

"Yeah, we've met. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out!" Schuldig called. He began muttering angrily about his lack of morphine as they left.

ELSEWHERE

Omi pulled the Porsche into the garage and accidentally bumped it against Yohji's seven. "Oops. Oh well, just a little dent." Omi said pleasantly.

They walked into the shop and began sweeping up the debris when the phone rang. "I'll get it." Omi offered. "Heydo!"

"Omi, you gotta help me! I'm engaged!" Aya yelped in a panic. Omi didn't recognize his voice in its panicked tone.

"Who is this? I think you've got the wrong number."

"No, Omi it's me! Aya! I was at the yacht club, and I met this girl that I used to know, and she wants to marry me and I can't say no and there are all these people and I need help!" Aya hissed. "No Sugimura-sama, I'm okay. I'm just calling home. No, I don't want anymore hors d'oeuvres. Omi, are you there? You need to help me. They're all too nice and I can't say no."

"Aya? I think they'll understand if you tell them you don't want to marry their daughter." Omi said patiently.

"No, Omi, I think this is an arranged marriage. It's not news to anyone here! Except me. I think I would remember mom telling me she'd promised me to Yuka Sugimura! Oh, this makes so much sense. No wonder Aya and her were always planning out weddings together for fun."

Omi had the feeling he'd missed half the conversation.

"What's going on?" Ken asked, leaning on his broom.

"Something's wrong with Aya. You can take this call, I don't get it." Omi responded, thrusting the phone at Ken.

Aya and Ken had a brief conversation that ended with Ken rushing off to the yacht club, thinking hard of some way to get Aya out of this.

Omi hauled the garbage outside, walked back in and began making up new floral displays for the window, when he realized that for the first time ever he was completely alone at the Koneko.

He dived for his computer to IM Nagi.

Bombay229879:43PM: Hey Nags? Fatesbitch899:43PM: yeah?   
Bombay229879:44PM: wanna hear a tragedy?   
Fatesbitch899:44PM: tragedy like, oh no schus in a coma? or tragedy like, schus got a super immune system and will live 4-eva?   
Bombay229879:44PM: tragedy like im all alone in a dark house wit no one to talk to or nething Fatesbitch899:45PM: intriguing Bombay229879:45PM: I dunno when theyre getting back either…probably be hourz Fatesbitch899:45PM: that really is a tragedy. im on my way Fatesbitch89 signed off 9:45PM

3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

Aya sat nervously in the cluster of his future inlaws. They were excitedly chatting, making plans about the wedding, and his future mother-in-law whipped out baby pictures of him and Yuka playing. It disturbed Aya greatly that he didn't possess a single baby picture of himself and this woman had like fifty in her purse at all times.

"So how's your mother doing dear? I haven't seen her in, gosh it must be four years now." One of the relatives, he couldn't remember her name, asked pleasantly. "It's as if she vanished off the face of the earth."

'Hurry Ken'. Aya mentally pleaded. He was a bit bothered that all this was riding on Ken. But there was a plus side. Had it been Yohji, he would more than likely get out of it by having some sort of embarrassing STD. But not Ken. Most likely Ken didn't even know what STDs were.

He could just imagine Ken running in yelled, "Aya can't marry you because he's dead! I stole a getaway car for us, now come on before the police catch up! We're a-going to Canada!" He shuddered, and then avoided more questions about his family, mentally chanting 'believe in your teammates'.

They heard a motorcycle screech into the parking lot and then Ken ran in, a bloody rip on one of his knees, eye patch, hair messed up from lack of helmet, a wrist brace and shirt ripped from his fight with Yohji.

The yuppies were all very startled and the room went quiet. Aya looked very uncomfortable.

"Ran! I had to find you! I just got the AIDS test back!" Ken yelled, running over to Aya, who turned a bright shade of red. The yuppies looked positively scandalized as they began whispering.

Ken smiled proudly at Aya. He'd thought of that excuse all by himself.

"Well?" Aya snapped stiffly.

"Oh, right. I've got AIDS. You probably do too now." Ken put in.

"He sounds awfully happy about that." Yuka noted suspiciously.

"He's a bit dim. Yuko, this is my gay lover Ken. Ken, this is my fiancee Yuko." Aya introduced.

"It's Yuka! Yuko's my twin sister! And I can't believe you're cheating on me!" Yuka exclaimed.

"Ran! You slut! He never told me he was engaged! I feel so used!" Ken sobbed.

"Me too!" Yuka wailed. "I've been looking forward to this marriage since I was a little girl, and now, now we couldn't even have babies because he had to go and get the AIDS!"

"What a slut…" Ken whimpered, giving Yuka a sympathy half hug.

Aya, meanwhile, had gone rigid with shock. Couldn't have been Yohji. A quick mention of gonorrhea and it would have been over.

"Maybe we should leave now…honey." Aya said stiffly through gritted teeth.

"I'm not going anywhere with you! Not after what you've done to us!" Ken yelled, pulling away from Aya. Yuka sniffed angrily and hugged Ken back.

"He's done enough." She said with a glare.

"Ken, dear, you're the one I want to be with." Aya explained, with no feeling at all in his voice. "I have to marry Yuki for my family though."

"Yuka!" She yelled.

"Whatever."

"The hell you're marrying my daughter, you, you nancy! I don't want her catching the AIDS!" Sugimura-san yelled.

"But father, I still love Ran!" Yuka sobbed into Ken's shoulder.

"He's a bastard but I love him!" Ken agreed. "With all my heart."

"Well then Ken…sweetheart. Let's go back home then." Aya almost growled.

"First I'm gonna get some punch, it looks really yummy. Did you make that ma'am? You did a wonderful job-"

"Ken!"

"Well the gummy bears in the ice-cubes add a nice touch. Gives it a very homey feeling. And I want the recipe to that flan."

LATER

"So honey, what'cha thinking?" Ken asked as they pulled up in front of the Koneko on his motorcycle. Aya had been silent for the ride home, mentally playing different scenarios of pain and torture for Ken.

"I'm trying to decide whether I should castrate you or skin you alive." Aya snapped.

"That's nice. Make sure you cut away from yourself when you do it though. Oh, by the way, Yohji's in the hospital. He got run over by an ambulance while you were out."

…

"Wait a minute, what do you mean castrate me?!" Ken yelped.

The two started bickering as they entered the eerily dark Koneko. They walked through the shop and into the living area, to the TV room. Aya flicked on the light switch as they were walking, and then they both went very quiet.

"A-Aya-kun? Ken-kun?" Omi said in a breathless and shaky voice.

Pause.

"EW!!!" Ken yelled, covering his eye.

"Omi get your pants on! You two, and get out of this house!" Aya yelled.

Pause.

"Can you kick over my shirt please?" Nagi muttered.

"Out!" Aya yelled, practically chasing Nagi out the door.

Omi looked offended.

"You've never cleared out any of Yohji-kun's dates." Omi sniffed.

"Yohji's never gotten that far on the living room sofa!" Aya yelled.

"Okay. So next time we'll go up to my room-"

"There isn't gonna be a next time! That was gross!" Ken exclaimed, still covering his one eye.

Now Omi looked really offended. "You know, we did date for two days before you inexplicable dumped me. I'm not ten."

"Yeah, but your boyfriend is." Ken shot back.

"He's not ten!" Omi yelled. Pause. "He's mature for his age."

"Omi go to your room!" Aya yelled.

"You can't tell me to go to my room!" Omi yelled back.

"Go to your room!" Ken yelled, backing up Aya.

"Fine, I'm going to my room, but it's not because you told me to! It's because I can't get these pants back on, and I have too much dignity to stand here in my undies!"

BACK AT DA HOSPITAL

"Oooooooooooooooow….Oooooooooooooooooow…" Yohji moaned repeatedly.

Schuldig opened his eyes, a scowl on his face. He reached over and grabbed one of Yohji's crutches, then smacked the cast with it. "It's two in the fucking morning! Shut up!" He yelled over Yohji's scream of pain.

A nurse walked into the room, looking very annoyed. She grabbed the crutches. "This is your last warning! Keep it down, some people are trying to sleep!"

"Gimme valium!" Schuldig yelled to her retreating back.

"Oooooooooooooooooow…Ooooooooooooooww…" Yohji went back to moaning. "My leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeg…"

"Oh stop it! They're giving you drugs, use them! You've got a morphine button!" Schuldig snapped. "See that button there? Press the button and the pain will go away and I can sleep!"

Buzz.

"I don't feel anything." Yohji whined.

"Keep pressing it." Schuldig growled.

Buzz.

…

Buzz.

That sound was kinda fun.

Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

"I still don't feel any-whoa!" Yohji fell out of the bed and began writhing on the floor.

Schuldig half heartedly considered getting the nurse's attention and letting her know his roommate was overdosing on morphine.

"Hey nurse!" He called.

"I told you to go to sleep!"

"Alright!"

TBC


	5. Chappie the Next

"Hello, Aya here. I've been asked to introduce this chapter. So, I'm taking this opportunity to respond to a review for the last chapter, which after all, did end in a question." Aya reached into his pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper. "This review was submitted by Koneko. Ahem, 'Oh is there gonna be KenxAya/AyaxKen? Personally I think Aya is an uke kinda person... he's such a prissy little princess, especially compared to a footballer... What do you think?'"

Aya folded up the review, and put it back in his pocket. "This is what I think. For starters, where did all this Prissy Princess stuff come from? So I know how to apply makeup! Big deal! I have a little sister that I'm close to, I used to help her with her make up when she wasn't in a coma-"

"Right Aya. You're so close to her you divert money from her life support funds to your super shiny car." eMu noted dryly from the sidelines. Aya fixed one of his shi-ne glares on her, earning him a smirk. "Listen Aya, fact is most redheads have freckles."

"So? There are plenty who don't." Aya said defensively.

"Chikin?" eMu asked.

"Aye Aye cap-i-tain!" Chikin giggled, then turned on the fire hose. Aya was sprayed against the wall, and after he was doused for a few minutes Chikin turned off the hose.

His makeup was running all over. eMu tossed him a towel, and once he wiped off the drippy concealer, it was revealed that firstly, Aya's natural skin tone was a bit darker than the living-dead-white he made it out to be with his makeup. Secondly, he had loads of freckles, and thirdly, there was a cross shaped scar on his cheek.

"I knew it! I knew there were only so many red haired violet eyed swordsmen!" Chikin exclaimed.

Aya covered his face with his hands and ran from the room. He came back a few minutes later looking like his normal self and holding his katana menacingly. eMu snapped her fingers and the katana was transformed into a giant fish Dogma style.

Aya glared, Chikin stuck her tongue out, and then Aya remembered the review and ignored his ficcie Goddesses in favor of the readers.

"So, we'll ignore the Prissy Princess comment for now. And, as for me being the uke. Come on! Ken's a wussy little crybaby! I'm way tougher than he is. He gets all, 'oh no I had to kill my best friend, wah wah wah' on us and even tried to run off with some girl who was all over him, but he was too much of a wuss to fu-"

"Aya, watch what you're saying about your future boyfriend there." eMu spoke up smugly.

"What are you talking about?" Aya practically growled.

"Take a look around at your options. If you want to go with anyone, I do suggest Ken." eMu elaborated.

Aya glanced around and caught sight of Omi and Nagi holding hands and being cutesy. Then he saw Yohji and Schuldig awkwardly and against their wills gravitating towards each other. He then spied Crawford, whom Aya mistakenly believed was older than his father, and Farfarello, who was carving a game of tick tack toe into his forearm.

"There's always them too!" Chikin squealed, pointing to the other side of the room, where the Weiss women were gathered. Shrient, Sakura, Ouka, Momoe and the flower shop fangirls. All the most annoying portrayals of femininity imaginable.

Aya shuddered, and then noticed Ken approaching him. He glanced from Momoe back to Ken again.

"Gee Aya, why does Fred Flinstone order the ribs every week when he knows they're going to tip the car over? Narf!" Ken exclaimed.

Aya was once again staring between Momoe and Ken, deep in thought.

Aya smacked a hand to his forehead, but when he looked up again he was much more calm.

"Cute and dumb. There are worse combinations, I suppose. C'mon Ken, let's go to the storage closet."

"What's in there Aya?"

"It's dark and private in there Ken."

"Ooo…are we gonna tell ghost stories? I'll go get a flash light so we can make our faces all spooky!"

"Right. Ghost stories. Enjoy the fic."

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"So…you're saying I have to finish the yacht club mission alone?" Omi asked, a very displeased look on his face.

"Yeah. Because apparently me and Aya can't show our faces in there ever again, but I don't really see what the big deal is." Ken whined. He didn't want to lose out on the pay of the yacht club mission. But Aya was damned scary when he wanted to be and Ken wasn't going against that either. Then Ken thought of something. "Maybe Yohji can help you!"

"Yohji's in the hospital Ken. Remember? He got run over. You were there." Omi reminded Ken.

"Oh right. I wonder how he's doing."

On cue the phone rang so that the nurse could inform them Yohji had overdosed on morphine and was in a coma, which they optimistically believed to be temporary.

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Omi scowled as he made his way towards the yacht club, dressed in one of Ouka's school uniforms with his darts and crossbow concealed, but if he moved around too much they would come loose so he was walking awfully stiff. And cursing his incompetent teammates.

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"You're a terrible roommate." Schuldig said flatly.

Yohji didn't respond. He was too busy in his coma.

"Quit ignoring me."

It's hard not to ignore someone when you're in a coma. So Yohji said nothing.

…

"I don't feel guilty." Schuldig stated. "It's not my fault you overdosed anyway."

…

"Goddamn it! Wake up you wuss!" Schuldig prodded Yohji with a crutch. His arm fell out of the position it had been and dangled over the edge of the bed, but nothing else happened. So Schuldig sat up in bed and prodded harder with the crutch and accidentally hit one of the machines Yohji was hooked up to and it started blinking and buzzing.

He looked around for a nurse, then rolled over and pretended to sleep. But the buzzing turned into a car alarm type sound and he figured that was a bad thing. He ignored it for a few more minutes, then pressed the call button for the nurse.

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Omi struck out for home close to one in the morning. He'd completed the mission at the yacht club, and it had been miserable, and his Christmas bonus had better be damned good.

Fifteen minutes in some horny old business CEO had goosed him and his crossbow had tumbled onto the floor. So a roomful of bodyguards had trained guns on him and it was a miracle he'd survived.

He should have washed up as best he could in the rest room, stowed his weapons and stealthily and quickly made his way home after the mission, but he was burned out. So instead he just walked the streets wearing a school uniform drenched in blood and carrying a crossbow.

And he walked right into Farfarello, who was also bloodstained but it was a lot less obvious since he was decked out in black. Farf's eye widened. "Where are you going?"

"Home." Omi answered in a near grunt.

"You uh…aren't gonna mention…bumping into me to Nagi, are you?" Farf asked nervously.

"Why? Because it would get back to Crawford?"

"He's gonna take my knives away!" Farfarello pleaded.

"Maybe you should stop with the killing then." Omi suggested.

"You're one to talk, you're wearing more blood tonight than I am." Farf noted.

Omi was about to make the very good point that he only killed for work when they both heard sirens. "Where did you kill people Farf?" Omi asked.

"The church across the street."

"Right."

And they both took off at a run together for the Schwarz apartment, as it was closer than the Koneko.

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"You're even more boring now." Schuldig reported.

There were a lot more wires sticking out of Yohji now. Added to that they'd taken away the crutches as Yohji obviously wasn't using them, and keeping them away from Schuldig was necessary.

"You're faking it. You're faking it for attention."

…

And the machines helping Yohji breathe clicked away, making their annoying sounds.

"I can't sleep with your toys buzzing and clicking like that. Turn them off."

They seemed to click more defiantly.

"Well screw you too!" Schuldig yelled. "Fine! I don't need you to have fun! I'll just…count ceiling tiles."

A nurse came in and hooked a feeding tube up to Yohji. Schuldig waited for her to leave.

"One…two…three…four…five…"

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Farfarello and Omi ran breathless into the Schwarz living room. It was miraculously empty.

"Right! Schuldig isn't home." Farf whispered. Had he been home, he would have been on the sofa watching adult swim and they would have been caught.

Farfarello slipped out of the black trench coat he was wearing. He was relatively blood free under it. He tucked it under his arm and tip toed to the kitchen.

As soon as he opened the door he caught sight of Crawford at the kitchen table, sipping coffee and looking very smug waiting for him.

"The rest of your knives are stashed where I kept the Halloween candy. You can have them back when you've learned some self discipline."

Farfarello growled threats under his breath and stalked off to his room.

Omi hovered awkwardly in the doorway.

"You may as well come in." Crawford said. Omi ventured forward a little. "The cops will be by in about a half hour looking for you. You might want to get cleaned up."

"Right…so…I shouldn't try to make it home then?" Omi asked.

"It…wouldn't be to your advantage. The Sox won game seven. They're going to the World Series. I know that doesn't mean anything to you, but it put me in a good mood so you can spend the night."

Omi smiled, then started towards Nagi's room.

"Not there." Crawford snapped.

"But-"

"I'm not quite that dumb. Besides, Aya told me about what you two were up to on the living room sofa."

"You talk with Aya?" Omi asked incredulously.

Crawford ignored him. "You can use Schuldig's room since it's empty, or room with Farfarello if you prefer."

Omi glanced down the hall. Schuldig's bedroom door opened by itself, and the monsters fixed glares on him, remembering the last time he'd been in that room. Omi shivered. He looked again, and Farf was walking out of the bathroom, drying off his hands with a now bloodied white towel. He paused at his bedroom door, looked down the hall, and smiled and waved at Omi and Crawford.

"Can I sleep on the couch?" Omi asked.

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"Are you still mad at me?" Ken prodded.

"Hn."

"C'mon Aya. You can't ignore me forever. I'll get you to say something other than Hn eventually." Ken threatened. He cleared his throat. "This is the song that never ends. It just goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it not knowing what it was-"

Aya ended the song that never ends by chucking a flower pot at Ken's head. Ken ducked and narrowly avoided it, but he smiled. "You're not ignoring me anymore if you're trying to kill me!"

Aya frowned, contemplating that logic, then started sweeping up the broken flowerpot.

With Yohji in the hospital and Omi…nowhere to be found, it was just them to manage the shop. They had briefly considered shutting it for the day and looking for Omi, but abandoned it in favor of the profits of the shop. Omi was probably fine, and they certainly weren't going to leave one person alone in the shop ever again.

Aya realized they had made the wrong decision. The shop was empty, Omi still hadn't come back, and it was taking the last little bit of patience he had not to kill Ken. Aya actually hadn't been ignoring him at all, he was just behaving normally, and he couldn't figure out how to make Ken understand that.

"Hey Aya, whatcha thinking?" Ken asked. "And don't say you're going to castrate me because you already told me that one."

Aya ground his teeth before answering. "Hn."

Ken frowned. "You're boring today."

"Is it my job to amuse you?" Aya snapped.

"Yay! You spoke!" Ken exclaimed happily. "Woo. Why are you always sad Aya?"

Aya answered with a glare. "I'm not sad."

"You're right. Now you're angry. Ooo…hey Aya check this out! It's really shiny and if you move it like this, it makes the light on the floor move around!" Ken was now distracted by Omi's broken watch.

Aya walked past him to the storage room, to get some wire for a display he needed to finish. Ken followed him and the door shut behind him.

"Whatcha doing?" Ken asked.

"Getting wire."

With the door shut, the storage room was pitch black, so Ken pulled the cord for the little light bulb, and it died in a shower of sparks. So he walked back over to the door to open it again, and that was where he encountered a problem.

"Aya? Did you lock the door or something?"

"What?" Aya growled.

"It's stuck."

Aya dropped the floral wire he'd finally retrieved. He was now trapped in a dark, enclosed space with Ken for company until either Yohji got out of his coma and came home or Omi got back from wherever the hell he was and let them out. Trapped. With Ken.

He walked over to the wall and began banging his head against it.

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Nagi awoke to the unpleasant sensation of a damp blanket. He was sleeping on a half deflated air mattress as his bed had broken awhile back, and it had been trashed, and it had still yet to be replaced.

He shifted and tried to avoid the wet spot on his blanket, as he really wasn't ready to open his eyes and face another day, and he knew that whatever lump he could feel on the mattress was responsible for the wetness. However, it really was uncomfortable.

He opened his eyes and was met with the offering of a headless pigeon.

Nagi leapt out of the bed and ran across the room. He was halfway out the door when he noticed that the lump on his bed that had caused the wetness was one of the tentacled monsters from Schu's room.

"Schuldig!" He screamed.

"He's not home." Farf reminded him, poking his head out of his bedroom door.

"Right. Sorry." Nagi slumped into the kitchen, nodded a good morning greeting to Omi, went to the coffee maker and paused. He turned around and gaped at Omi for a second. "What are you doing here?" He demanded.

Omi blinked. "Are you not a morning person Nagi-kun?"

"Not when I'm awakened by a tentacled garbage monster. Really, what are you doing here? Why didn't you tell me you were here?"

"I bumped into Farfarello last night and then the cops were after us so I hid here. And Crawford wouldn't let me sleep in your room. Apparently he talks to Aya." Omi said. "By the way the Red Sox are going to the world series. Crawford took off on some secret business trip this morning and I think the two might be related."

"So…the only person in here other than us right now is Farf?" Nagi asked slowly.

Omi caught his train of thought, and a slow smile started on his face.

"But where?" Nagi asked. "My bed's been replaced by an air mattress and the living room couch doesn't work based on what happened last time."

"You know…I did see Crawford coming up from those stairs this morning, what's down there?" Omi asked.

"Stairs?" Nagi asked.

Omi got up and walked over to the dishwasher. He opened it up and revealed a tiny stairwell.

"Could this be…the basement?" Nagi asked in wonder. "And such an ingenious hiding space…" Crawford was the only one who did dishes. "I'd kinda been wondering why he washed dishes in the sink when we had a dishwasher."

"What do you think is down there?" Omi asked.

"I don't know." Nagi mused on that thought for a minute. "It's probably not dangerous. Wanna check it out?"

"I'll go get a flashlight."

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"Sixty-four. There are sixty-four ceiling tiles and I am damned sick of counting them!" Schuldig yelled. He fixed another glare at his comatose roommate.

Now not only was his arm purple and pussy, but it was throbbing and they still wouldn't give him any drugs for it. He was bored, cranky, in pain and sick of just lying there.

"I'll do it. But I'll probably hate myself in the morning." Schuldig decided as he left his body and entered Yohji's mind.

He took a minute to get himself used to his new surroundings. Probably the last thing he wanted was to get stuck in Yohji's head, so he decided to be careful about the venture. As of right now he was in a greenish void type of place. He was familiar with these. If he prodded around he'd either access memories or find some manifestation of Yohji's subconscious or fragments of his personality.

And theoretically his conscious mind would be trapped here somewhere too, and if he found that he could probably drag Yohji out of the coma and get himself some company.

In the meantime at least his arm didn't hurt.

"Uh…Yohji?" Schuldig called out, feeling rather dumb. He didn't venture this far into people's heads if he could help it, so he didn't really know what he was doing. The thought occurred to him that he may accidentally keep Yohji in the coma if he wasn't careful.

He walked around the green void for a bit when he finally spied something in the distance. Based on the knee-height and hair color it was more than likely Yohji's inner child.

The little Yohji ran up to him wearing a cowboy costume and carrying a cap gun. "Bang! You're dead mister!" Then he kicked Schuldig in the shin and started running off.

"Ow! Get back here you little brat!" Schuldig growled.

"Hafta catch me first!" Inner-child-Yohji taunted, then stuck his tongue out and ran. "I'll be the cowboy and you be the Indian!"

"Get back here!" Schuldig ran after him. He tripped over something that was lying in his way and ended up sprawled on his face. By the time he looked up again the Inner Child was far in the distance, but the thing he'd tripped over was interesting enough anyway.

It was a fully grown Yohji, very gaunt and abused looking, with a black eye, hugging his knees and shaking.

"What are you supposed to be?" Schuldig wondered aloud.

"Stay back! I don't know what we'll do to you. You should leave. Bad things happen. We do bad things." He said in a shaky voice. "I tell them not to do those things and then he hits me and we do them anyway and we're going to hell!"

"Oh Christ. You're the superego, aren't you?" Schuldig asked, now amused. He contemplated what his own superego must look like. Obviously that thing was ignored entirely.

Then he felt an arm around his waist and turned to face what was undoubtedly the id. He was a lot healthier looking, smoking a cigarette, wearing a sequined devil horn headband and touching Schuldig suggestively.

"Yeah, he's the superego. So, who are you? What are you doing here?" The id purred in Schuldig's ear.

Schuldig untangled himself from the embrace while Id smirked at him, and looked damned fuckable. Which was damned unnerving.

"Uh…Yohji's in a coma now and I wanted to try to bring him out of it." Schuldig explained warily.

"No! We'll hurt more people like that. We should stay asleep." Superego whimpered. Then Id kicked him in the ribs.

"You're better seen and not heard." Id growled.

"He's not all that much to look at actually." Schuldig noted. Superego started crying.

"It's because no one listens to me! If someone l-listened to m-me on occasion I c-could get stronger!"

"And then you'd be a threat!" Id yelled, kicking him harder.

"You're going to break a rib!" Schuldig yelped.

"That's not really possible baby. We're not physical." Id reminded him. "So, you want us to help you out?"

"Uh…yeah. How do I get him out of the coma?" Schuldig asked, backing away as Id tried to molest him again.

"Damned if I know. Wanna fuck?" Id asked.

"Thanks no, I'm a little busy." Schuldig answered in a somewhat high pitched voice.

"Y-you could talk to Ego. H-he might be more help than us." Superego spoke up timidly. "He likes you so he'll probably help."

"I'll keep that in mind." Schuldig answered, edging away from Id and Superego.

He started walking away from them and spied someone else in the distance. Once he was closer to them, he realized it wasn't Ego, and it definitely wasn't a part of Yohji either. He'd heard about this before though he'd never actually seen it himself. If someone left enough of an impression on your life, some trace of them was supposed to be kicking around in your head.

He was faced with a very pretty lady with wavy golden hair and emerald eyes.

"Est-ce que vous avez regarde un petit garcon monsieur?" The woman asked.

"Uh…I don't speak…that." Schuldig answered.

"Oh…Japon? Anglais?" She asked.

"Anglais…English. Yeah I do those. Was that French?" Schuldig asked.

"Oui. But I speak Japanese." She answered, switching for him. "Have you seen a little boy running around? He should be in a cowboy outfit."

"Yeah, I saw the inner child. And he kicked me in the shin." Schuldig answered.

"Oh. I've never seen you before monsieur. Who are you exactly?" The woman asked.

"Schuldig. I'm a guest."

"An uninvited guest I assume. My name is Genvieve Kudoh. If you see my little boy you'll let me know, won't you?" She asked pleasantly.

"Inner Child's chasing Superego around with a cap gun." A neutral looking Yohji spoke up, entering with Id.

"Thanks Ego. Au revoir messieurs." Genvieve said pleasantly, heading towards the sound of Superego's whimpers.

Schuldig stared after her for a minute then turned to Ego and Id. "Your mom's hot."

"Ew!" Ego exclaimed.

"I know." Id answered with a lecherous smile.

"Dude! That's incest!" Ego looked offended. "That's even worse than when you try to seduce Superego!"

Schuldig looked disturbed.

"That is a fun past time. I think I'm up for some seduction now." Id said thoughtfully, then followed after Genvieve, Inner Child and Superego.

Ego smiled pleasantly at Schuldig. "It's nice of you to come in here and try to help me."

"I'm not here to help." Schuldig said defensively.

"Oh. But Id said you wanted to pull me out of the coma." Ego looked confused.

"No. I want to drag you out of the coma so you can keep me company in the damned hospital room. I'm bored and my arm's killing me." Schuldig snapped.

"Well that sounds more like you." Ego answered with distaste.

"So how do I do it?" Schuldig asked.

"How should I know? You're the telepath. It's not my fault if you've never done anything selfless like this and don't know how." Ego said defensively.

"Aargh! You people are so fucking annoying!" Schuldig yelled, letting out some frustration that had been building since Inner Child had made his appearance.

Ego frowned. "I thought you were starting to like us. Well, I mean us together. I dunno, you two have been getting along well lately."

"No we haven't. I beat his broken leg with a crutch and put him in a coma." Schuldig responded. Ego shrugged.

"Maybe it's one sided then. Oh by the way, Yohji woke up from his coma two minutes after you entered his head."

"Son of a bitch!" Schuldig yelled.

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The trap door Omi and Nagi had found had lead to a stairwell full of booby traps, but they'd gotten through it unscathed between their combined intelligence, Omi's reflexes, and Nagi's powers.

Now they were in a dark hallway that lead to an old wooden door. Omi inched forward slowly, Nagi just behind him, both of them watching for a flame thrower or mace or something. Then the flashlight blinked out as its batteries died.

Omi instinctively reached for Nagi's hand and gripped it tightly. "Maybe we should go back."

"No. I need to know what's in the basement." Nagi answered firmly. "I'll go in front if you want."

"No Nagi-kun. My fight or flight response leans more towards flight, I should be in front." Omi answered. He took a deep breath, and then continued in the complete darkness.

Omi made it to the door and slowly pulled it open. He felt around on the wall for a light switch. He found one and flicked it on, and let out a terrified scream.

There was a man standing in front of him. He instinctively threw a dart and caught the man in the forehead.

Nagi charged forward and inspected the fallen foe.

Omi had thrown a poison dart at Ted Williams. Nagi nudged it with his foot.

"I can't say I'm entirely surprised Crawford has a cardboard cutout of a Sox player. D'ya think he'll notice the dart in his forehead?" Nagi asked.

"Maybe." Omi answered as his breathing returned to normal. "Can we blame it on Farf?"

"Probably not." Nagi glanced around the room. It was covered with Red Sox memorabilia. The walls were practically papered with photos and newspaper clippings. There was a bed in the corner with a Sox fleece on it, and a big screen TV facing it. Omi flopped onto the bed while Nagi scanned a bookshelf.

"Wow. Nagi-kun, there are little felt dolls of the Sox on here. I think Crawford might have made them himself, they don't look very professional. And this one's got a bloodstain on it."

"Christ he's pathetic." Nagi muttered, picking through the bookshelf until he found a photo album. He laid down on the bed next to Omi and began flipping through it.

The first few pages were cute. There was a picture of ickle Crawford, maybe four years old, with what must have been his grandpa at Fenway together. Then there were pictures of his little league days and they started laughing at his expense as Crawford had been a fat kid. Apparently he'd lost the weight during a growth spurt.

They flipped through the album for a few minutes more, and then Nagi started getting bored. "Hey Omi…there's a bed here."

"Yeah. Yeah there is."

They threw the album onto the floor and started making out, until Omi finally pushed Nagi away. "I can't do this with so many eyes on us!" Omi squeaked. "I feel like I'm in a people zoo! It's like discovery channel."

Nagi sighed. Then with a quick burst of telekinesis the dolls were under the bed and all the pictures had been turned around.

"Better?" Nagi asked.

"Much better." Omi agreed.

Then they made fast work of Nagi's virginity.

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Crawford had been sitting in the airport with a nagging feeling he'd forgotten something important. He tore through his luggage and that's when he noticed he didn't have his lucky baseball boxers that he wore every game (they'd been in the laundry the year before when they'd kept Pedro in too long and the Sox had lost the ALCS to the Yankees and he wasn't going to make that mistake again).

So he left the airport and rushed home.

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"You're glowing." Farfarello said distastefully.

Nagi and Omi were in the kitchen. Omi was cooking something or other at the counter and Nagi was almost beaming at the table just gazing at his boyfriend lovingly. It was sickening.

And clearly Nagi hadn't heard him.

"Why are you glowing?" Farfarello asked, now worried. Glowing meant sex, and the chibis weren't supposed to be having sex and he would be blamed for not watching them. But he hadn't heard any noises in the apartment or anything.

And then he noticed that Omi was cutting tofu cubes with his knives.

"Where did you get those?!" Farf screeched.

"In the basement." Omi answered, backing away from Farf. The kitchen counter trapped him, unfortunately.

"You're chopping that disgusting tofu with my knives?" Farf asked in a low voice. He valued his knives. He took very good care of them, kept them nice and sharp and clean. He was going to kill Omi. Slowly and carefully and cut him into little cubes and cook him with the tofu cubes.

"Farf, he's cooking." Nagi pointed out.

Farf turned to the table where a good three course meal was laid out for him. He considered.

"He's going to make it a seven course if you let him." Nagi added. He then pulled out a chair for Farf with his power.

Farf considered a moment longer, then sat down at the table. "You're so dead as soon as I'm done with this stir fry. Is that chocolate mousse next to the tofu? Maybe I'll wait for dessert. Then you're really dead. This soufflé is to die for. And you will die."

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Yohji blinked confusedly. He'd just woken up from his coma, and the last thing he remembered was the cheerful buzzing noise from the morphine button. He looked around for the button but it wasn't there anymore, and he figured that probably had something to do with why he'd blacked out. And all the machines hooked up to him.

He glanced over to Schuldig's bed, which was a bit farther away from his than it had been before. He noted that the crutches were gone as well.

Schuldig looked like he was asleep. He was almost unrecognizable without the almost ever present smirk. Laying unconscious in a hospital bed in his jammies, Schuldig looked really vulnerable. He looked so odd. Yohji felt oddly protective of him.

And then he opened his eyes, looking very annoyed. "Stop staring at me while I sleep, it's creepy." Schuldig snapped.

And that moment was killed.

"Hello Schuldig. Did your arm get worse? That really doesn't look good." Yohji inquired.

"Oh no. It's supposed to be purple. Feels good." Schuldig responded.

"Actually it's kinda bluish now. Maybe you should call in a nurse to look at that." Yohji suggested.

"Eh. Someone should be by anyway. I mean, you just came out of a coma." Schuldig replied.

"I was in a coma?" Yohji asked, startled.

"Yeah. You overdosed on morphine."

A doctor walked in then, looking excited. He ignored Yohji entirely and turned towards Schuldig. "Good news! We figured out what happened to your arm. A biologist friend of mine took a look at your blood test, and it turns out you have a virus that he's only seen in sea turtles until this point. You're going to have a condition named after you."

"Thank you?" Schuldig asked. "I'm sorry, maybe I missed the good news in that."

"The good news is now we know what it is and how to treat it. We'll be able to discharge you as soon as my friend sends in the vaccine he gives his turtles." The doctor explained. Then he noticed Yohji. "Oh, you woke up. Good for you! I'd better go tell your doctor about that." And off he went.

Schuldig was silent for a moment, processing the things he'd found in Yohji's head. He was uncomfortable with the way the different aspects of Yohji's personality had treated him and the way they'd talked about him, so he decided to ignore it for now, instead focusing on the fact that Yohji's mom was French.

It shouldn't have shocked him as much as it did considering blond hair and green eyes weren't that common amongst Japanese people, but he still hadn't expected it. Germany and France were neighbors. It was a strangely comforting thought that someone besides Farfarello had connections to the same continent as him.

"Are you okay Schuldig? You're awfully quiet." Yohji noted.

"I'm good. Glad to be heading back to my cartoons." Schuldig answered, smiling a true smile as he thought of the unwatched DVDs waiting for him at home. He'd hardly cut into the Ren and Stimpy DVD before he'd landed in the hospital.

Yohji shook his head in amusement. "You're so cute with your cartoons."

"I'm not cute." Schuldig snapped.

"You're frickin' adorable."

"Shut up before I put you in another coma!"

3333333333333333333333333333333333333333

Crawford gaped, horrified, at the state of his Sox shrine. Ted Williams had a hole in his forehead, his Fleece was rumpled, the felt dolls he'd spent many days of anguish making were shoved under the bed and all of his pictures were turned backwards.

It was a sign. He had to perform an exorcism, something. The Red Sox were going to lose the world series, and it would be his fault!

He ran from the room, wondering how he was going to convince a priest to spare him some holy water.

"I need to find a young priest and an old priest. FARF!!"

TBC

A/N Whereas Chikin did sit in for a few minutes of this chapter, I wrote the brunt of it myself. She objected to that line about Nagi's virginity and I refused to change it so, yeah. Squabble. It's resolved now though and we're working steadily to bring you a Christmas addition to our holiday special story. We're also writing a personality test to stick on the end of the next chapter.

By the by, it's been awhile since French class, so if I muddled up the bit I put in there, that's why. And if you're curious about me making Yohji part French, I've got some reasoning behind it. I've seen the idea out there that he's half American and I like it, I think it explains the height, hair color and eye color. However, I tweaked it to French because that explains the cowboy hats you see him in in quite a bit of the manga/art book pictures and the Gluhen character design. From what they told me in French class the French have an obsession with the old west and cowboys.

Pleasant something people! Reviews greatly appreciated! - 


	6. summary

Heydo, we're finally back. Sorry we left you on a bit of a cliffhanger (in a we're not really very sorry at all kinda way) because we just realized that we're sorta in the middle of another story line in Banned in Boston that we abandoned to go write the Christmas fic. And then…left the Christmas fic off in a part…that we really wanted to continue with. Either way, we're very lazy, and finishing off this arc in B in B is getting difficult. So we're not going to. (What?! - Chikin) Instead, we are going to summarize and highlight everything that happened between October and December. (Chikin kicks eMu and walks away, holding head in hands.) She'll come back. They always do.

Chikin went off and considered how to pull this off without being lazy. "Goddamn eMu sucks." She considered some more, and had a wonderful idea. Using the abilities all ficcie Goddesses possess, she snapped her fingers and the eight main characters of her WK ficcie suddenly appeared.

Farf grabbed his throat, eyes wide, and then looked around. "I thought I was being strangled!"

"Yeah, well now we're pre-Christmas. So not yet." Chikin explained.

"I'm confused!" Farf exclaimed.

"So are the readers. So, I summoned you all for this little pow-wow. You're going to tell the readers what happened between October and December." Chikin said brightly.

"But it hasn't happened yet." Yohji noted.

"It has!" Chikin insisted.

"But you didn't write it." Crawford added.

"But we planned it. In a we kinda did sorta way." Chikin said hesitantly.

"Can we make stuff up?" Schuldig asked.

"No!" Chikin yelled. "Only we're allowed to do that! And we as in eMu and I!"

"Yeah, where's the surly one?" Nagi asked, looking around.

"She's off being stupid. Anyway, one of you start." Chikin said in a happy way that was almost threatening.

"Well for starters Crawford got his ass kicked by Farf." Nagi said dryly.

"What? I don't remember that." Chikin muttered.

"Well he asked Farf to find him priests. What d'ya think would happen?" Nagi asked pointedly.

"Well I dunno…Crawford's kinda tall. And he's a boxer-" Chikin started.

"What? Where did this rumor start? I'm not a boxer!" Crawford snapped.

"Well you're not a dunk clown either, but y'know. Or at least not a professional one. Anyway, continue. Farfarello attacked Crawford…" Chikin started.

"And he had to get lotsa stitches and go to the hospital." Schuldig put in.

"Who did?" Chikin asked.

"Both of them." Schuldig decided.

Suddenly, Crawford and Farf were covered with scars. Farfarello now had so many scars that they actually evened out to one skin tone.

"That's kinda creepy." Farf noted, inspecting his new skin tone. "I'm shiny."

"Dude…" Schuldig had an evil smile.

"This is kinda wrong. Just Crawford." Chikin decided, and Farf went back to normal.

"Shiny's all gone." Farf sniffled.

"I'm not okay with this." Crawford snapped. "I look like- uh…Farfarello."

Poof!

Two Farfs.

"Hey!" Farfarello that was formerly Crawford exclaimed. "I didn't mean that literally."

"Well you should say what you mean." Chikin snapped. "But I think eMu will yell at me if I make you guys look unrecognizable." And as such, Crawford was transformed back into himself, pre-scars. "So to settle this, Crawford did get scars, but they were on his head so no one can see them because they're covered by his hair."

"So Crawford got a lobotomy?" Schuldig asked. And suddenly Crawford was drooling with a vacant look on his face.

"Bleh." Crawford said.

"That's just tasteless. Schuldig, stop playing with Crawford!" Chikin ordered, changing Crawford back.

"So…anything I say happens?" Schuldig muttered thoughtfully. "Nagi died in a fire."

Poof.

"Hey!" Omi squeaked. His eyes watered in puppy dog mode as he stared at the ashes that, a moment before, had been his boyfriend sitting next to him. "He was resurrected!"

"Bleh." Said the zombie Nagi that poofed in.

"No! Not resurrected, rescued! Alive! He didn't die! No burns!" Omi paused for a second. "And he gained a few inches. And he stopped whining so much. He became less of a pity whore. And he appreciated thoughtful Christmas presents."

Omi kept listing off things, while Chikin grew angrier and angrier, and suddenly Nagi popped in as Fabio, eliciting screams from all gathered.

Fabio looked down at himself, and then yelped. "Aaaah! What did you do to me?!" Pause as Fabio registered his accent. "What the hell?! I sound like an idiot! Though my hair is rather soft."

"You're not allowed to change your boyfriend Omi!" Chikin scolded.

Omi was now crying, his face buried in his hands.

"Omi, I thought you liked me the way I was." Fabio sniffled.

"That's just wrong." Ken muttered.

"Ah! Get away from me, you're scary!" Omi whimpered.

Fabio then ran away crying.

"Wait! Nagi! I can learn to love you!" Omi yelled, chasing after him.

A very disgruntled Chikin buried her face in her hands and screamed. She counted backwards from ten, and when she looked up she had a smile on her face. "Okay. Everything's back to normal. Let's try this again. Last time everyone, or you're all going to Rosenkreuz. The hap-happiest place on earth."

"But I don't-" Aya started.

"Even the ones without powers!" Chikin shrieked. "Alright. Aya, since you volunteered, what happened in the storage closet?"

Pause.

"I don't wanna talk about it." Aya muttered, turning red.

Ken smiled vacantly. He opened his mouth to speak, but Aya cut him off.

"Ken died, his heart seized." Aya snapped.

Ken grabbed his heart and fell over.

"And then Aya, trapped in the storage closet for weeks, began eating Ken's body to live." Yohji put in.

A crazy glint appeared in Aya's eyes, and he charged over to Farfarello and began gnawing on his shoulder. Farf looked at him, shrugged, and then looked at Chikin intently. "What happened next?"

"Aya's a cannibal…No! Start over!" Chikin ordered. Ken was suddenly alive again, and the crazy glint left Aya's eyes. He was still chewing on Farfarello, however. He stopped, and slowly backed away. Farfarello gave him a little wave, while Aya backed over to his seat next to Ken.

"Look…when I got back from the hospital I found Aya and Ken necking in the storage closet, which wasn't locked. Ken pushed where he should have pulled." Yohji said.

Aya suddenly tensed, embarrassed, and then glared at Yohji.

"Hey, at least I censored it." Yohji said defensively. "Unless you want me to tell them about what you were shouting-"

"And we're leaving off there." Chikin interrupted. "At least someone actually mentioned something that happened.

"No! He was lying! He was lying…although while we were in the storage closet Ken told me about his perfect grades in high school. And how he got accepted to several major universities but turned away from them."

"I did?" Ken asked, and then suddenly his IQ improved dramatically. "Although I did want to pursue my dream in soccer. Which, in retrospect seems rather foolish. And it was extremely foolish of me to continue trusting that Kase fellow, when he was the only person who could have drugged me in the first place."

Chikin glared at Aya, who no longer spoke aloud, but instead began muttering things very quickly under his breath. Ken went through several changes very quickly.

Yohji glared at Aya, and then began muttering things about him being more nice, accepting and open.

Chikin was foolishly ignoring them, and instead turned to Schuldig.

"So…how did you and Yohji get out of the hospital?" Chikin asked.

"We threatened to sue for malpractice. Oh, and I got a vaccination for sea turtles." Schuldig muttered. "By the way Yohji, you're due for your mamogram in about a week."

Yohji stopped changing Aya, and then smacked a hand to his forehead. "I hate that hospital."

Aya now sported a sensitive pony tail and glasses. He turned to Yohji spitefully. "Yohji got a really dumb hair cut. And he stopped wearing a shirt, and he got into finger painting."

Poof.

Chikin grinded her teeth. "So! What else happened? Crawford! How was the World Series?"

But Crawford was now too busy in a war with Schuldig where they were changing each other.

"Farfarello! You're not doing anything destructive right now…which is a turnaround, do you know how the World Series turned out?" Chikin asked.

Farfarello pondered for a minute. "The Yankees won?"

Crawford stopped. He turned and glared at Farfarello, muttered quickly under his breath, and Farfarello disappeared.

"Hey! Where is he?" Chikin asked.

"The Red Sox won the World Series. They beat the Cardinals in a sweep. And I was there." Crawford said forcefully.

"And we saw something very disturbing on the TV." Schuldig snickered. "Crawford the super fan getting thrown out of the stadium for drunkenly assaulting Cardinals fans."

Chikin looked at Crawford for a moment, expecting him to argue. "Did that really happen?"

"Maybe." Pause. "I wish not to comment."

"Alright Chikin, I'm ready to start writing now-what the fuck?!" eMu screamed, walking into the room. "What the hell did you do?!"

"I summarized." Chikin said proudly. "So we can start writing the after the Holiday Special stuff."

"You created GLUHEN!!!" eMu screamed, smacking her.

And indeed she had. The results of Schuldig and Crawford's changing war had given Crawford gray helmet hair, a monocle, disturbed eye brows and a really messed up military uniform with lacy sleeve cuffs. Schuldig's hair now had curled split ends, he had a really dumb hat, and was wearing tight red pants, a dumb yellow jacket and suspenders.

Aya had turned Ken into a slightly more intelligent version of himself, gotten rid of the problems he had with killing, and made him look like a male model.

Yohji had turned Aya into a sensitive teacher with a braid, and Aya had turned him into a straight cowboy. (Wow. -A/N) With bad hair.

"Where the hell are Omi, Nagi and Farf?!" eMu demanded.

"Farf's not in Gluhen." Chikin noted.

"He is too! It's just for like a second!" eMu shouted. There was a flicker of Farf and then he was gone. "Gah! Well where are Omi and Nagi, and who the hell is that?!" eMu demanded, pointing at an Omi wannabe.

"My name's Sena. I'm the new Omi." Sena introduced himself.

Omi and Nagi wandered back, looking like their Gluhen selves. "But I'm Omi!" Omi insisted.

"Mmm mm. You're Mamoru." Sena said.

"Who the hell is Mamoru!?" Omi shouted.

"You are." Sena stated.

"I hate him." Nagi said, narrowing his eyes at Sena.

eMu looked ready to explode.

Chikin looked around expectantly. "Where's Todo?!"

"GAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!" eMu screamed. Suddenly, it was all fixed, and the bishonen were back in their sometimes inconsistently animated yet highly loved forms. And Sena was gone. Thank God. They were all transported out, and eMu fixed a killing glare on Chikin.

"I tried to help!" Chikin sniffled.

"Okay, well how much of the story did you get out?" eMu demanded.

"I dunno. It was confusing." Chikin muttered.  
"This is why we can't have conversations with the characters! You make them run off on tantrums!" eMu yelled.

"This is why we can't go to nice places, this is why we can't have nice things. Nag, nag, nag." Chikin mocked. "Hey, don't you mean tangents?"

"No. I mean tantrums. Okay, this is what happened. Yohji and Schuldig got out of the hospital, Yohji's leg wasn't really broken, his charts were mixed with some other Kudoh there, because that is a common assed last name, I've seen it in three other mangas. They found Aya and Ken making out in the storage closet, which wasn't really locked. Crawford went to the World Series and drunkenly assaulted Cardinals fans, which is extra pathetic since they are nowhere near as aggressive as Yankee fans. And Schwarz did see him on TV dressed like a super fan. That's it, Go! Back to December!"

"It's January now." Chikin pointed out.

"December 25th! Go!" eMu shouted.

"Ooo! Fan fiction powers on!" Chikin squealed.

TBC 


	7. Jumping the Shark

Heydo. Okay, the next two chapters are horribly confusing, because we're introducing four new, somewhat intricate characters at once. But stick with it. We've been assured it's less confusing by the end.

Oh, and Chikin thinks we've jumped the shark. Although she thinks we peaked when Nagi bleached his hair.

Omi stared, wide eyed, at the rubble that had been his boyfriend's house. With his boyfriend inside, with all of Schwarz, and his boyfriend. He watched the flames slowly consume the rubble, and he fell to his knees and started wailing.

BACK AT THE KONEKO

Just kidding. At the site that formerly contained the Schwarz apartment (and several other apartments that did go down in the fire -A/N), Omi cried in despair for what he thought was his lost love.

And then a large portion of the rubble was cleared away, and Nagi trudged forward out of the flames, covered with ashes and slightly singed.

"Aaaahh! I'm sorry you died Nagi! I wanted to apologize, I wanted to make up! I love you Nagi, come back! I don't care about our song, we can have other songs!" Omi wailed.

Nagi looked very confused, and at this point Schuldig limped forward. "Isn't that sweet?" Schuldig said scathingly.

"Aaahhh! It's all of Schwarz, come back from the grave to haunt me!" Omi yelped. "What the hell did I do wrong?!"

"Haunt you?" Nagi puzzled.

"That's right, tragically dead. It was horrible, dying at such young ages, and we will haunt you forever. But if you were to run down to the corner store and get me an Icee, it might soothe my soul and send me to the next life." Schuldig said dramatically. Some rubble was thrown at his head. "Hey! That was on fire!"

"Well it shouldn't have hurt you since we're dead you asshole!" Crawford shouted.

"Omi, we're not dead. God. You don't think much of Schwarz, do you?" Nagi asked (Jeezus, all those reviews, 'you're not going to kill them in a burning building' they're fucking Schwarz! Did anyone see the last episode of the original series? They've faced things more implausible than a burning building! -eMu) (I dunno, Schuldig did almost get taken out by a train. And a hamster. -Chikin)

"Y-you're not?" Omi whimpered. Pause. "I'm sorr-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!" Omi squealed, running over to Nagi and strangle hugging him. "I shouldn't have gotten so mad over the present, it was dumb and I'm sorry and I love you-don't die! I'm too-"

"I remember. You're too young for me to die." Nagi said dazedly, once he'd gotten Omi's arms off from around his neck.

"That's right, stop being selfish." Omi pouted. "What the hell happened?"

Schuldig sat down on the curb in front of the smoldering building, looking very surly. The tips of his hair were on fire, so he put it out with his finger tips. "The damn building burned down." He spat.

"Got that. How?" Omi asked.

Pause.

"Where's Farf?!" Nagi exclaimed.

"Farf burnt the building down?" Omi asked.

Meanwhile, Nagi began throwing things around with his powers, trying to find the remaining Schwarz.

"Farf…" Schuldig muttered.

"Wow. They really care about each other. Like a family." Omi realized. That lead him to think about whether the rest of Weiss would look for him if he was missing, and he was sure they would.

"MY DVDs!!!" Schuldig screamed, and attempted to charge back into the smoking rubble. Crawford had to hold him back, and he was still being pulled slowly towards the building as Schuldig fought him.

Then an extra pair of hands restrained Schuldig. "Dammit man, they're just DVDs!"

It was a very pretty woman Omi had never seen before. She had pale blond hair and blue eyes, and was dressed like a singed hooker.

"Who the fuck are you?" Omi squeaked.

Schuldig stopped struggling and gazed sadly at the final resting place of his stuff. He sniffled.  
"My stuff…"

"Who are you people anyway?" Crawford asked the blond chick.

"Dude! What about your pets? Are you telling me you're only concerned about your fucking DVDs?!" Nagi snapped. "You can buy more DVDs!"

"I can grow more pets! If Crawford's credit cards went down with the house, then I'm not getting anymore DVDs, now am I?!" Schuldig yelled, near hysterics.

"You're disgusting." Nagi said, then turned back to the rubble and began tossing things aside looking for Farf.

"My name's Dana. I'm a member of Grau." The blond chick introduced.

"Oh wow, that's original." Schuldig snapped sarcastically. "Let me guess, you're an assassin."

"No, I'm the damned building inspector. Of course we're assassins." Dana snapped.

Crawford was about to question Dana some more, when a thought occurred to him. "Curt Schilling!" He screamed, and charged for the fire. This time it took Schuldig, Nagi, Omi and Dana to hold him back. "No! My hamster! I need my hamster!" Crawford wailed. "I can't live through another death!"

"Dammit man it's a hamster! They cost four dollars, I'll get you another one!" Dana shouted.

"I don't want another hamster. I want Curt Schilling!" Crawford sniffled.

"I cannot believe this team is considered more valuable than us." A new female snapped. This one was a redhead wearing a silky-lacey nightie thing.

"Wow. I didn't think this was possible but you guys are sluttier than Schrient." Omi muttered.  
"And they were created by a man to be his sex slaves." Nagi put in.

"Will you restrain your team leader so he doesn't run into the burning-too late." The redhead muttered, as Crawford broke free and ran into the fire. They watched him (yes, no one went after him) trip over something.

"You saved my hamster!" Crawford exclaimed triumphantly. "You're getting your own room! Schuldig can sleep on the couch!"

"What couch?! The building burned down!" Nagi snapped. "Crawford! Who the hell are you talking to?!"

"Lampy saved my hamster!" Crawford yelled.

"Who the hell is Lampy?" Dana asked.

"He's the new Mastermind, that's who he is!" Crawford walked out of the rubble cuddling his hamster. Behind him a handful of Schu's monsters were towing out some of Schwarz's cherished belongings. They had Nagi's computer, a few pairs of Farf's boots and several of Schuldig's DVDs.

Lampy fixed a glare on Schuldig. "Frederick perished to bring you these Looney Tunes flame haired bringer of life. We heard you dishonor him. You think you can just grow us anew should we depart? As I have been given the title of God by the King of Gods, I declare the right to decide the life of these goods." He gave a signal, and Hairy tossed the DVDs back into the fire.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?!" Schuldig screamed, and charged into the fire. No one made any effort to stop him.

"You know Nagi, you could pull him back with your powers." Omi noted.

"I know. I also could have pulled the DVDs back with my powers. But I didn't." He turned to Grau. "Where's Farf?"

"I don't know exactly. Xiao Mei flew off with the twins when the building started lurching." The redhead said.

"Twins? Who had twins?" Omi asked.

"Farfarello-" Nagi started to explain, but Omi cut him off.

"Farfarello had twins? How? You really need to stop going to that doctor." Omi said.

"Farf has a twin who came in and tried to kill him. And he burnt the house down. That's where we're at right now. Damn. This sounds like a confusing and horrible soap opera." (It sounds like Weiss!) "Was Xiao Mei the pig tailed chick with the laptop?" Nagi asked.

"And the theme music, yeah. I'm Allison. Alright, while we're temporarily safe from Dante, I'm going to phone-"

"Who's Dante?!" Omi yelled.

"Stop interrupting! Who the hell are you?!" Allison screeched, losing her temper.

"I'm Omi." Omi whimpered.

"She gets a little grumpy when she doesn't sleep enough." Dana explained.

"I'm confused!" Omi wailed. Allison glared at him. "But I don't mind!"

"I'm confused too. What the hell is going on? Why did you try to kill us?" Crawford asked.

"We didn't try to kill you. Dante tried to kill Farfarello." Allison paced for a second. "I think we'll need Dante and Xiao Mei to clear up everything. All I know is I was asleep, and woken up by Xiao Mei crying, telling me that Dante ran off to kill his twin brother. I didn't even know Dante had a brother, and I guess he didn't either until Xiao Mei hacked into Esset's files and excitedly showed Dante he had living family."

"So wait a minute, why did he want to kill Farfarello?" Crawford asked.

"For starters, Dante found out he was adopted by missionaries in a particularly cruel manner and always wanted to find his birth family. Which are listed as slain. Esset also recorded an experiment about receptor twins, about how sometimes identical twins can feel the pain of the other one-" At this there was a collective shudder from the group. Allison paused, noting the distinctly guilty looks on the Schwarz's faces. "It's not like it's your fault Farfarello cut himself up so badly, he seemed like a danger to himself."

"Yeah." Nagi said halfheartedly.

FLASHBACK

"Farf, can I practice my powers with you?" Nagi asked.

"Sure." Farf said nonchalantly, he wasn't even paying full attention.

Nagi lifted Farf up and held him in place for a second. The problems came when he tried to move him around the room. First he went into the ceiling fan, then into the wall. Nagi got nervous, and started losing his concentration, and Farf was shot out the window.

"I didn't do it."

3333333333333

"Farfarello, can you get my watch out of the garbage disposal? You have smaller hands than me." Crawford said.

Farf shrugged, then reached a hand down.

"Hey! What's this switch here do?!" Schuldig called.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

333333333333

"Farf, I lost my pincushion."

333333333333

"Farf, can you shave this cat?"

333333333333

"The light bulb's stuck in the socket!"

333333333333

"Catch this steak knife!"

"What the hell are you doing Schuldig?!" Crawford shrieked.

"Farf's helping me put away the dishes." Schuldig explained. "Hey Farf! Catch!"

"What?"

PRESENT

"It couldn't be helped." Nagi muttered.

"Isn't your friend going to die in there?" Dana asked. "If the fire doesn't get him, the smoke inhalation will."

"We can only hope." Nagi answered. Omi glared at him.

Allison whipped a cellphone out somehow (where the hell it could have come from in the nightie…) and dialed Esset. Crawford did the same thing, minus the nightie.

"I'm not joking. He really will die in the fire." Dana said to Nagi.

"Mmm hmm. Hey, you can pull him out if you want." Nagi suggested. "I don't wanna risk a burn."

"You have mind powers!" Dana exclaimed.

"So do you! I…assume." Pause. "Perhaps I'm too emotional to use them effectively. I'm just so broken up…about Schu's…predicament." Nagi couldn't hold it in any longer, and he began laughing hysterically.

"This fucking sucks." Schuldig couched, coming out of the ruins again. "I couldn't find one damn DVD. What's he so happy about?"

Nagi slowly stopped laughing, staring at Schuldig, and then began crying. Omi wrapped an arm around him.

"I'm gonna bring him over to my house. I suppose you guys are welcome to come if you need shelter." Omi volunteered half heartedly.

"No, they'll be fine." Nagi said quickly, tugging Omi's arm away.

"What do you mean you can't get us a hotel room? Our house burned down! Because of one of your teams! No I didn't see it coming, that doesn't make it my fault!" Crawford yelled into the cellphone.

"So Dana and Dante had a little shopping spree? How much could they have possibly spent?!…Wow…that's actually quite a lot…but you're bloody Esset! You have the funds for a hotel room!…No we can't sleep on the street! And we can't get back to our apartment in Iceland! …You can get us a plane to…I'm not going to Greenland! Besides, you'd have to put us up in a hotel there too! Now you're just being silly!…Yes, I know there aren't any hotels in Greenland, there's nothing in Greenland-we're not supposed to be talking about this!" Allison wailed.

"Hey guys, what'd I miss?" Xiao Mei asked, floating down.

"Where are Dante and Farfarello, I thought they were with you?" Dana asked.

"They were heavy, so I dropped them in the park." Xiao Mei explained.

"You left them alone together?!" Dana shrieked.

"No. Well kinda. They're unconscious." Xiao Mei explained.

"You left them alone, unconscious, unprotected in a public park!?" Dana shrieked. "In the winter!?"

"I put them on park benches and wrapped them in newspaper so they'd look like hobos. So what's shaking bacon?" She asked pleasantly.

"From the sounds of it we'll be joining them in the park." Schuldig grumbled.

"They hung up on me! The pricks!" Crawford yelled.

"I talked them down to a hotel room. Come on Dana, Xiao Mei, let's get Dante and get someplace warm." Allison announced. She started down the street with her team.

Dana walked rather slowly, then glanced behind at Crawford and Schuldig warming themselves by the smoldering remains of their house. Dana tugged on Allison's arm.

"Uh…should we leave them there?"

"They're assassins Dana. They're also ranked above us, I think they can take care of themselves." Allison snapped. She glanced behind her and watched Crawford turn his jacket into a bed for his hamster. She paused, frowned, and then started back towards the Schwarz.

"Dammit. You can stay with us since we kinda burned your house down."

"Gee, thanks-" Schuldig started sarcastically, but was cut off by a tentacle covering his mouth.

"We would be much obliged." Smelly answered.

TBC 


	8. What's a Yohji?

"Alright, there are four beds and one couch, so I suggest to distribute them fairly we should draw straws-" Dana started.

"I need my privacy!" Allison announced, running into one of the two bedrooms and slamming the door.

"I'm female, I get my own bed." Xiao Mei chimed in, plopping onto one of the beds in the other bedroom.

"Then go in with Allison!" Dana yelled.

"She needs her privacy." Xiao Mei answered.

"She can't have two beds!" Dana exclaimed.

"Aren't you female too?" Schuldig asked Dana.

"What? What made you think that?" Dana asked.

"The mini skirt, tube top and stripper heels for starters. Although now that you mention it that is rather drag queen of you." Schuldig noted.

"Hey, I happen to look very classy when I'm in drag most of the time. I was just on an undercover mission when Dante took off to kill your friend." Dana explained.

"Well why were you the one in drag?" Schuldig asked. "I mean, I assume they were both in bed by the nightgown and the footie PJs. If you needed a girl to get the target, why not send one of them?"

Dana considered. "Oh that's easy, because…because how…ALLISON!" Dana shrieked, pounding on the door. He could hear Allison giggling on the other side.

"It's not her fault boys are stupid." Xiao Mei giggled. "Besides, Allison has too much dignity to do that and I'm too young. And you look so much prettier as a girl."

"Maybe, but this wonder bra is starting to dig in." Dana complained. "I think we should give the twins surfaces to sleep on since they're still unconscious and all."

"Well then it doesn't really matter." Schuldig answered. "They can't feel it."

Dana frowned. "When they wake up their backs would hurt."

"Only Dante's. So we shove Farfarello in the bathtub and Dante on the couch. I call bed!" Schuldig announced, jumping onto the bed next to Xiao Mei's.

Dana and Crawford lugged Dante and Farf over to the couch, which turned out to be a sleep sofa.

"Do you think it's a good idea to put both of them on the sleep sofa?" Dana asked, watching Crawford heave Farf onto the bed.

"No. But I don't think it's a good idea to put them in the tub either. Think about it, there's only one bathroom here. Besides, theoretically we'll hear them before they burn this place down."

"Theoretically of course. By the way, that orange haired guy's a dick." Dana announced.

"Yes. Yes he is." Crawford answered.

Dana walked over to Allison's door. "C'mon Allison, you've lived with me for nine years…you know I'm not gonna rape you. Let me in…I want a bed!"

"No!"

"Then let Xiao Mei in with you! You don't need two beds!" Dana yelled.

"No, but it's fun!" Allison snapped. She'd pushed the two beds together to make one big bed and was now rolling around on them.

"At least give me the spare blanket! I'm not wearing much you know! It's cold!" Dana whined.

"Nag, nag, nag!"

"I take it back. She's not much like Crawford." Schuldig muttered. Crawford was now settling himself in the walk in closet using his coat as a blanket. Curt Schilling curled up next to him.

Dana grabbed the couch cushions that had been abandoned after the sleep sofa was set up and arranged them into a terribly uncomfortable sleep surface that slid out from under you if you moved too much. Or breathed too forcefully.

He grumbled angrily and watched as all the more comfortable and warm people (and Crawford) around him drifted into sleep. Two hours later Schuldig was curled into a tiny ball in the bed and Dana's teeth were chattering. He abandoned the couch cushions and climbed into bed next to Schuldig.

SKIPPY SKIPPY

"What's a Yohji?"

Schuldig blinked sleepily and registered that he was wrapped around a warm body with blond hair in his vision. It wasn't a completely unfamiliar sight, except this hair was the wrong shade of blond. He blinked again, and yelped.

"You know, that's not normally the response I get when people wake up next to me. Normal people say hello. They don't scream. It's very unflattering." Dana grumbled.

"I don't normally wake up next to strangers!" Schuldig snapped. "Strange perverts!" He pulled away from Dana, glaring.

"I'm sorry, the floor was cold, the bed was warm, you weren't using much of it, and you're the pervert who straddled me." Dana accused.

"I was asleep! It doesn't count!" Schuldig yelled. "Besides, why didn't you move?"

"Because you had your legs locked around my waist and I couldn't move you. What kinda person sleeps till noon! I had to pee!" Dana yelled, getting up to go for the bathroom.

Schuldig groaned. "I can't believe I talked about the fucking cowboy in my sleep." He muttered.

"Who's the cowboy?" Xiao Mei asked pleasantly, hovering into the room. She was sitting cross legged in the air, playing music on her laptop.

"Are you a telekinetic or something?" Schuldig asked.

"Nope. I read auras." Xiao Mei explained.

"So how come you fly?" Schuldig asked.

"Because I'm Chinese."

Pause.

"Is that supposed to explain something?" Schuldig asked.

"All Chinese people can fly. You didn't know that Schuldig?" Crawford asked. (This is a joke that was started by my friends, I don't understand the origin of it though. At any rate, Chinese people can fly. They just can. Okay? And if you're half Chinese than you can hover. It's not meant to be offensive, but Chikin seems to think it is. I dunno. - A/N)

"N-no. I was unaware." Schuldig responded.

"Help me move Dante into the other room." Crawford instructed.

"They still haven't woken up yet?" Schuldig asked.

"Could have been the smoke inhalation. Or the fact that they beat the living shit out of each other before the building burned down." Xiao Mei noted.

FLASHBACK

"Jei, you are SO FREAKING DEAD!!!"

"ACKLL!!!" Farfarello gagged. His opponent flinched, and he managed to pull away. He turned around to get a glimpse of his attacker and froze.

"Is this some kind of cruel mockery of my pigment condition?!" Farf demanded. "I'm gonna fucking kill you Schu!!"

Farf's attacker looked just like him, only with less scars, reddish hair, a normal skin tone, two brown eyes and gauged ears.

"Don't change the fucking subject! I'm gonna kill you good!" And then fire exploded from bizarro Farf's palms. Farf yelped and dove behind the couch for protection.

"Stop making so much noise, you'll scare my ham-who the hell are you?!" Crawford yelled. "How did you get in our house?"

"I think maybe that hole where the window was." Nagi chimed in, standing behind Crawford cautiously.

"Y'know, I could really use some KNIVES to protect myself!" Farf shouted, using couch cushions as shields from the fire. "They're a bit more menacing than pillows!"

"You're still on punishment!"

"Crawford, give him the damn knives!" Nagi yelled. Nagi ran into the kitchen and grabbed the fire extinguisher. He tossed it to Farf, who sprayed his assailant with it.

"Aaah! My eyes!" Bizarro Farf shrieked. "It's cold and chemically!"

Farf smacked him with the fire extinguisher while he was flailing around blindly.

"I'll kill you, you bastard!" Bizarro Farf shouted, abandoning his flame powers and any sort of fancy attack for tackling Farf and slamming his head onto the ground. This wasn't doing much to Farf, but it was making Bizarro Farf woozy.

"Crawford, help him!" Nagi whined.

"Why don't you help him? Pry them to separate sides of the room." Crawford instructed.

"Okay." Nagi waved a hand and sent them to opposite corners, so Bizarro Farf shot a stream of fire at Farfarello.

"I can't move! Too warm! Too warm!" Farf objected loudly. Nagi released him and he started rolling around on the ground. He continued holding Bizarro Farf still, who was struggling.

"Who are you and why are you trying to kill us-"

"Us?!" Farf shrieked. "Us?! It's not fucking us Brad! Is everyone on fire, or is it just me?!"

"Fine. Who are you and why are you trying to kill Farfarello?" Crawford clarified.

"I am the grim specter of death. I am going to kill him because he is a sick, tainted piece of human waste." Bizarro Farf answered.

"Be that as it may, he is a member of this team and we won't let you kill him." Crawford started.

"It would be really annoying to track down a replacement at this stage." Nagi noted.

"Hey!" Farf whined. "I can hear you!"

"Go do something useful, get the first aid kit." Crawford instructed. Farf limped a few feet, then fell over in the hallway and groaned.

"His legs gave out. Should I drop him or keep holding him up?" Nagi asked.

"Uh…"

Crawford didn't get the chance to answer, however, as Bizarro Farf pelted Nagi with a spray of fire that distracted him into releasing him.

THUD

Bizarro Farf hit the floor, grimaced, and then dragged himself towards Farf by his fingernails.

Farf had hauled himself into a sitting position. He blinked at his twin. "Why are you trying to kill me?" Pause. "You were sent by God, weren't you? To kill me and take my place. I get it now…"

"No you moron. I want to kill you because I hate you. You got everything I wanted and you didn't appreciate it and you fucked it up. On top of that I feel your fucking pain."

"But I don't feel any pain."

"GAH!!!"

"Hey stop biting my leg! It's rude, we were having a nice conversation here." Farfarello objected, trying to shake his brother off. "I don't even know your name."

The twin growled.

"Well there's a family resemblance. What's your name?" Farfarello asked.

"Sei. But I go by Dante."

"Well that's rather convenient." Farf said.

"And you're Jei. But you go by Farfarello? Well soon you'll be the late Farfarello."

"Can you stop with the threatening?!" Farf asked. "I'm trying to have a nice conversation here!"

"I'm trying to kill you!"

"Well you're doing a messy job of it. You're all distracted. If I had a competent team, they'd have taken you out by now." Farfarello noted.

At this Schuldig nudged open his door.

"Who're you calling incontinent?"

"Incompetent you idiot!" Farf and Dante yelled together. They paused and stared at each other. "That's creepy. Stop saying what I'm saying!"

Dante started choking Farf, who rolled him into the wall. Dante let go and started rubbing his throat, and Farf body slammed him into the wall. So Dante sent him through the opposite wall into the kitchen via a fire spray.

Nagi and Crawford were desperately attempting to put out the quickly spreading fire. "Schuldig, plug up the toilet in the bathroom and flush!" Crawford instructed.

"Flush like you've never flushed before!" Nagi chimed in. He was attempting to put out the fire in the kitchen with the little squirt thing attached to the kitchen sink. "What's the point of this thing?"

"DANTE!!! You are in so much trouble!!"

The Schwarz whipped around and saw two girls hovering outside the hole that had been the living room window. A little Chinese girl was holding up a very angry red head in a nightie. It looked like the redhead was too heavy for the little Chinese girl, who was wavering. So the reprimand was constantly changing volumes as the girls pitched dangerously under the level of the window.

"It's bad enough you run off killing random clergy and missionaries and get us in the headlines! Do you even know the meaning of the words LOW PROFILE??!!! Now you have to go after our superiors!! This is fucking SCHWARZ!!! They're more important than us and those three old freaks will have our heads if we kill them!! SO STOPPIT!! STOP BEING SO FUCKING SELFISH!!"

"Oh my god it's bizarro Crawford." Schuldig muttered. "Hmm…bizarro Crawford's a woman. Wonder what that says about real Crawford."

"Allison, I need to put you down or I'll drop you!" The little girl whined. She floated into the living room and dropped her leader onto a patch of floor that wasn't burning. She continued to hover in the air with her computer.

Then there was a knock at the door. Schu made to answer it.

"Don't answer the damned door!" Nagi yelped.

"It could be something important, like the building inspector or something." Schuldig objected. He opened the door to reveal a panting blond hooker.

"Jeezus Dana, you're an assassin. You should be in better shape than that." Allison chided.

"You…try…running up…six flights…of stairs…in stilettos." Dana panted. "What'd I miss?"

And then the building gave a sickening lurch.

"I think Dante lit the building on fire, but we can't really be sure." Xiao Mei chimed in. She started playing 'We didn't start the fire' on her laptop. "No we didn't light it, but we tried to fight it!" She sang.

Allison and Crawford were both grinding their teeth in frustration.

"Is she always like that?" Schuldig asked, indicating Xiao Mei.

"Eh. You should hear the battle music." Dana answered. "Try going undercover with Lola blasting. Loses the stealth thing right there."

"Uh, guys…Farf lost consciousness and I don't think the building's gonna-" Nagi started, but was cut off by the building collapsing.

PRESENT

Farfarello came to with the familiar feeling of restraints. It seemed funny to him that they would use restraints in the afterlife, because he was relatively sure he was dead. He was expecting to open his eye to a fiery inferno, and it annoyed him to no end that he'd be wearing his straight jacket for it.

But when he opened his eye the straight jacket made sense, because he must be in heaven, and God had plenty of reason to want him restrained. There was an angel in his line of vision, blond haired, blue eyed and wearing really tasteless make up.

Farf blinked a few more times, but before he could make sense of it, the angel was shoved aside by a sobbing Chinese girl.

"I'msosorryJeiIdidn'tthinkDantewouldtrytokillyouIthoughthe'dbehappyhehadabrothercuzImissmyfamilyandIcan'tseethemsinceEssetownsmeandyou'reinEssetsoyoutwocanseeeachotherandIdidn'twantanyonetobehurtI'msosorrypleaseforgiveme-"(Those are actually words. -A/N)

"Jesus Xiao Mei, give him a minute. He doesn't even know what you're apologizing for." The angel known as Dana muttered.

"I'm not dead, am I?" Farf asked, seeming rather disappointed.

"Unfortunately no. God, someone numb the right side of my body again." Dante pleaded.

Schuldig emptied a syringe into Dante's arm, and a vacant smile appeared on his face before he collapsed into the nest of pillows and blankets he was propped up in.

TBC

Sorry. It's very awkward to introduce four intricate characters at once. Here's a quick summary of Grau, who they are and what you need to know about them.

Grau is a Rosenkreuz trained team owned by Esset made up of four psychic assassins. Their code names come from Tarot card suits.

The team leader is Allison. She's 24 and from the United States. Her code name is Cups and she's a medium (IE she communicates with spirits). She has a natural looking shade of red hair (IE not Aya or Schuldig red, real red), dresses a lot better than most of the characters in Weiss and hopefully won't be demeaning towards females. She's very much the female equivalent of Crawford.

Sei/Dante is 19 and originally from Ireland. He's a pyrokinetic and his codename is Wands. He looks like manga-Farf 'cept with two eyes. We'll have more on his background later.

Dana is 22 from Canada. He's a telepath (more details on that later, it's not exactly like Schuldig) and his codename is Swords. I think you got his physical by now, but he is rather femme looking, moreso than your typical androgynous pretty boy anime character.

Xiao Mei is 14 from China. She reads auras and can fly (which has nothing to do with being psychic, just with being Chinese). Her code name is Pentacles and she's a hacker.

So that's Grau. Hope you don't hate them and hope they aren't Mary-Sues. And Gary Stus.

More soon! 


	9. An Examination & a shopping spree

Hmm…lukewarm reactions to the new characters, eh? Well I'm going to take this space here to reassure you, we're not making them into main characters. We have simply added more supporting characters. They will not steal the spotlight from Schwarz…Weiss, we meant Weiss. Really. (Cough). Anywho, we have a bit of plot to get out with Farf and Dante, and then Grau will be sent back to their Iceland post to make occasional cameos. 

Feel better?

We didn't think so.

By the way, the Chinese flying thing, as far as I can tell, didn't originate with martial arts movies, at least amongst my friends. None of them watch martial arts movies. I think it has something to do with my friend's dad and a cardboard box we declared is a flying machine. And as for credibility, it is sited in numbers 2 and 10 of the manga Petshop of Horrors that Chinese people can fly.

And now that that is out of my system, on wit da fic!

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"What exactly are you making me inject him with?" Schuldig asked, after emptying his seventh syringe that day into Dante's arm.

"Horse tranquilizers." Allison answered nonchalantly. "Check."

"Damn! There goes my queen!" Crawford grumbled, moving his Mary in the path of one of the three wise men. They were using Farf's new nativity/chess set.

"Wait…how is he not dead then?" Schuldig asked.

"His body keeps building up immunities to whatever pain killers we give him. For any kind of effect now, we use the horse tranquilizers then after this…we'll have to bother Esset for some elephant tranquilizers." Allison patiently explained.

"Ah." Schuldig thought about that for a moment. "Then how is he not dead?"

"Checkmate."

"What? How did that happen?" Allison demanded.

"My lamb took out your wise man." Crawford explained.

"Yeah, I caught that. But-"

"And the sheep are surrounding you from that side."

"Okay, but I can just move here." Allison explained, moving her baby Jesus into the donkey's line of fire.

"And our lord and savior has just been taken out by a donkey." Crawford announced. "Check mate."

"You cheated!" Allison announced.

"How did I cheat-"

"You used your powers!" Allison accused.

"It just gives me a slight advantage, if you could have, you would have."

"That's beside the point. I can't. You cheated." Allison glared at him.

"You could have used your powers." Schuldig decided. "No one stopped you."

"I'm a medium! And sorry, there aren't any deceased chess champions floating around." Allison glared at the chess set.

"Rematch?" Crawford asked.

"Hells yes. This time don't use your power." Allison answered, resetting the chess pieces.

"How are you gonna trust him on that?" Dante asked sleepily.

"Honor system?" Schuldig suggested.

"And for those who have no honor?" Dante demanded.

"Ouch." Schuldig responded. "Well if he wins, I suppose that means he cheated."

"Hey! I was captain of the chess team, thank you. I happen to know what I'm doing." Crawford announced, to snorts and mutterings of 'dork'.

"You call the knights horsies." Schuldig pointed out. "Even though they're donkeys."

"Besides, you don't need to be good at something to be the captain of it. I was president of the math team, science team, environmental club and debate team. I was even the medbio team captain. I didn't take medbio. I was pulled out of high school by Rosenkreuz before I could take medbio. And I was this close to infiltrating the cheerleaders. I was this close to being in every photo in the yearbook." Allison ranted.

"Check."

Allison's eyes narrowed.

"I didn't cheat!" Crawford insisted. "While you were busy ranting, I made a set up. And it's not check mate, if you move…oh wait. Check mate."

Allison flipped the board in his face and stormed away.

"You broke Joseph's head off! That was Farf's Christmas present, you need to pay for that!" Schuldig called after her. She slammed the door to her bedroom.

"So…any thoughts on getting us a house again?" Schuldig asked.

"Actually yes." Crawford answered, picking up the chess set. "I put in a call with Takatori this morning and managed to convince him it was his fault our house burned down, and that he needs to house us."

EARLIER THAT MORNING

"So you see sir, it was a security breach."

"I don't understand. I've never been to that location before-"

"Which is entirely the point. They're that many steps ahead of you." Crawford put in, glad he was having this conversation over the phone and not in person. He didn't think his smirk would go over well.

"I…I never considered-"

"We'd be much more effective as body guards if we were closer to you anyway."

"So…you think it would be wise for me to give you one of my penthouses?" Takatori asked.

"That's a brilliant idea sir. I would have never thought of that. There's a reason they have you pulling the strings sir." Crawford praised. "Where would we be without your leadership?"

"That's a bit over the top there Crawfoo. Do you really think he's gonna buy that-"

"What was that?" Takatori asked, having heard Farfarello through the phone.

"Shut up." Crawford hissed to Farf.

"What?" Takatori roared.

"Oh no, not you sir. The crazy Irishman got loose again. I'll go get the tazer. Hold for a minute, please." Crawford started smacking Farf with the phone. "Do you want us to lose this?" Crawford hissed.

"Ow! Oh the pain of it all! It's searing, agony! A-Go-NEE!!" Farf wailed. "I think my eyeball just popped!"

"Stoppit!" Crawford snapped.

"I thought that was the one that couldn't feel pain." Takatori said in confusion. Crawford picked up the phone again and pretended he hadn't heard that.

"No, that's the German. So…we'll just pop by later today to make the arrangements then, shall we?"

"Sure. You can never be too careful."

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"So we're babysitting an idiot?" Schuldig asked.

"Esset doesn't set up smart puppets. Especially the Japanese wing. It's run by three senile old kooks having an eternal tea party." Crawford answered flatly. "However, this puppet is rather well connected, so let's browse to see what sort of penthouse we'd like."

MEANWHILE, AT THE WEISS HOUSE

"What's that doing here?" Aya demanded.

"That is my boyfriend and his name is Na-" Omi started, but Aya clamped a hand over his mouth.

"Ssh. We're having a review today. No mention of Artz-schway." Aya hissed. "Damn that one was tricky. Anyway, we are a hard core group of assassins that neither fraternize nor sleep with our enemies. Got that? It's frowned upon."

"They mention it in the manual." Omi chimed in.

"You guys get a manual?" Nagi asked.

The three were in Omi's room, Nagi had spent the night unnoticed.

"We have to sneak him out of the house before one of the reviewers notices him." Aya decided.

"Wait a minute, you guys get manuals and reviews?" Nagi seemed very surprised by this. "Esset just kinda gives us money and cuts us loose."

Aya frowned. "Normally it's like that for us, but you see Ken picked up the phone when Persia called so now they're evaluating us about competency."

"Ah. That would do it. We try to keep Farf and Schuldig away from the phone. Well, it's not that hard with Schuldig, he kinda yells 'Phone' until someone answers it anyway. Lazy bastard." Nagi ranted.

"Will they really recognize him? C'mon Aya-kun, I think you're making a big deal of this." Omi pouted.

Aya opened the door. In the hallway, three Kritiker agents had tackled Yohji to the ground and were analyzing him. One of them had rubber gloves on, and was bagging things to be forensically analyzed. She picked off a long orange hair.

"It must have been from the last battle! I don't know how it got there, really!" Yohji yelped.

Another agent walked out of his room with a comic book in a zip lock bag.

"It's covered with fingerprints, matches Mastermind's exactly." The agent announced.

"That was planted!" Yohji yelped.  
Aya slowly closed the door. Omi's eyes were wide with shock. Nagi was snorting.

"Clearly they think we're some kind of threat. Oh that's amusing, I'll have to tell Brad."

"You're not taking this seriously enough. If they find you here, we'll be traitors. Omi, do you remember what happens to traitors?" Aya asked slowly.

Omi stared at the ground, eyes watering. "Marquis Yippers, lord of all things squeaky and chewy…and Yohji's slippers." Omi sniffed.

"They killed your dog?" Nagi asked in disbelief.

"They said…they said telepaths like Mastermind could…could use him to find out information. He was strong, he would never have talked, but no one believed me! He would rather have died! But it didn't matter…they sent him to the farm…so they said. There are no farms in Tokyo!" Omi squeaked, shoulders shaking. Nagi wrapped an arm around him comfortingly.

There was a knock on the door.

"Bombay, we need to interview you-" One of the agents began. Omi shoved Nagi in the closet and fixed a smile on the agent as he opened the door.

"Ah…Abssynian. We were looking for you as well. We need a word with you about Siberian's intelligence test scores."

Aya shuddered.

"It was…interesting."

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"The Bahamas! I wanna go to the Bahamas!"

"Schuldig, we can't-"

"Look, there's an indoor pool. And an outdoor pool. And a little island, for an outdoor pool! And it's got one of those little decorative pools in it, the ones with the fish? And a water slide!" Schuldig was clutching the brochure with pure avarice.

A small pile of brochures were on the coffee table in the hotel room they were still sharing with Grau.

"That will sound great Schuldig. Yes Mr. Takatori, we decided we needed to be closer to you to protect you properly, so we're going to the penthouse in the Bahamas!" Crawford snapped. "Besides, Esset wants us in Tokyo."

"But I don't wanna be in Tokyo! The TV sucks and they have J-pop!" Schuldig whined.

"Can we go to this one?" Farf asked, handing Crawford another pamphlet.

"Salt Lake city? In Utah? Why the hell does he have a penthouse in Utah. And why the hell do you want to go there?" Crawford demanded.

"To play with the Mormons. I'm getting sick of Catholics. They're all withered and full of guilt." Farfarello explained. "It's staining my shoes."

"We'll vacation in Utah sometime then." Crawford muttered.

"The empty promises just roll right off your tongue, don't they? We never go on holiday! We were supposed to go to the bible belt! And the Vatican! Remember? And you were gonna let me throw rocks in the Notre Dame cathedral in Paris! You said I could steal the Popemobile! You're full of lies!" Farf accused.

"I'm surprised it took you this long to notice he says that shit to shut you up." Schuldig noted.

"Well you've yet to visit the Post Fruity Pebbles factory, so he does it to you too." Farf said scathingly.

"Hey, they're just remodeling." Schuldig said, looking doubtful. Farf smiled smugly. Schuldig glared at Crawford. "You are a lying bastard."

"You're both dumb. When have we ever gotten a vacation?" Crawford asked.

"That time when we were little, and we went to that amusement park?" Farf said brightly. "I went on that ride until I puked."

"That was a Laundromat. Schuldig locked you in a drier." Crawford snapped.

"It's not my fault he's stupid. 'Hey Schuldig, where do all the socks go?' 'Oh, they're in the back, just keep looking.' 'Hey Schuldig, the door's stuck.' 'Hey, it's getting hot in here.' Dumbass."

Farf punched Schuldig in the arm, then started looking through more brochures.

"This one's Japan." Schuldig announced.

"It's in Kyoto." Crawford said flatly.

"Oh. So's this one. I thought it was a typo." Farf had been turning his pamphlet over and looking at the name. "They weren't very original when they were naming this place."

"Kyoto, the anagram lover's Tokyo. Hey, it says it on the pamphlet." Schuldig said, pointing to the pamphlet.

"Ooo…this one's nice. Damn, he lives in this one…" Crawford flipped through another pamphlet. "Who buys every house on the street?"

"Maybe he hates neighbors." Schuldig pointed out. "He must."

"Or maybe he's paranoid. I bet he thinks the neighbors are trying to kill him. That explains why he bought my bullshit without Schuldig bending his mind." Crawford muttered.

"Maybe he was out of closet space." Farf suggested brightly.

Crawford blinked. "I'm suddenly reminded of Hidaka."

"Was that an insult?" Farf asked.

Pause.

"Yes." Schuldig and Crawford answered slowly.

"Then I am deeply offended. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go lick a 9 volt battery to fill the void your cruel mockery has left in my heart."

"It's healthier than chubby hubby I suppose." Crawford muttered.

Schuldig threw down the brochure he was holding. "Why don't you just come out and say it?! You think I'm fat, don't you!" Schuldig yelled, before running from the room and slamming a door behind him.

"Where the hell did that come from?" Crawford asked himself. "There's gotta be something in the water."

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"This will not work twice." Nagi said flatly.

"I think the fact that it worked once solidifies it as a good idea." Omi said brightly. "Unless you'd like to hide in my closet until our evaluation is over?"

"What about my roots?" Nagi asked.

Omi popped a pink hat with kitty ears on his head. "They'll never know. Besides, you have cute legs. You should show them off."

Nagi was once again dressed as Omi. He'd shed his emo clothes for Omi's pastel Old Navy capris and a white hoodie with blue trim. (We stole the shirt from that pic where Aya has the rose tattoo and Ken's in bondage It's an official image, sadly. Oh yeah, and Nagi randomly went emo on me. Don't ask why. It fits. - A/N).

"I don't like my cute legs. I don't wanna show them off." Nagi snapped. "I look like a pedophile's wet dream."

"Ew." Omi frowned, wrinkling his nose. "Do you think I look like a pedophile's wet dream?"

Nagi went quiet, and Omi looked angry. "Look…Schuldig sometimes lets us in…on the thoughts of people…because they gross him out so much he can't deal with it and he wants us to share his misery. Or he hates the person around at the moment."

"So you do think I look like a pedophile's wet dream?" Omi snapped.

"No…I'm saying you are-I'm saying that other people think tha-your shoes are really adorable. Uh…uh…" Nagi was sinking. "I think you look good in these clothes."

"So that makes you a pedophile." Omi sniffed.

"You're older than me." Nagi answered.

Aya opened the door cautiously. "Omi turn the radio down. They can hear it downstairs." Aya said loudly, with a false smile fixed on his face. "Get out or I toss you out the window. If Omi can survive, you can. (See Malarkeys & Mayhem - A/N)I'm not getting strip searched like Yohji."

"That would be cavity searched." Yohji slurred, stumbling past them towards his room.

"What's the matter Yohji? You look a little groggy and sore." Nagi pointed out with glee.

"Shaddup." Yohji groaned. "Melvin's got cold hands. Cold, lingering hands. I'm gonna have nightmares for a week."

"Melvin? Isn't he that three hundred pound hairy guy?" Omi asked.

"No, that's Gerry. Melvin's the three hundred pound hairy guy with the hives." Aya corrected. "Which is why I don't want to be cavity searched, so get him out of the house."

"Fujimiya-san! We still haven't discussed Hidaka-san's test scores!" One of the evaluator's called up the stairs.

"I'll be right down!" Aya called. He gave Nagi a final warning glare, and then left with a flourish.

"If it wasn't for the random outbursts of threats, I'd of thought he was mute." Nagi noted.

"Um…these evaluations take awhile…so I guess I'll call you when it's over." Omi said sadly.

"Yeah…uh…where the hell am I going?" Nagi asked. "My house burnt down. D'ya think-"

"Nagi! This is your chance to make a break for it! You can start a new life, they can't find you!" Omi hissed excitedly.

Nagi paused, scowled. "It can't be this easy. Only…only I don't know where they are…and they think I'm here. Oh my God. I'm going to the airport, I'll contact you again when I'm safe!"

With that Nagi turned and left. He managed to fool the Kritiker agents, as he looked happy enough to pass for Omi. There was a new spring to his step, and he was whistling as he exited the house. He got down the street and turned a corner.

Where he saw Crawford and Schuldig leaning against the car, Schuldig with a video camera.

"You can't really escape from a precog and a telepath Nagi." Crawford said dryly, opening the car door for him.

"Crawford look, I can rewind to the moment where his hopes and dreams are crushed." Schuldig announced. "Ah…home movies. I can play it again and again and again."

Nagi scowled, looking exactly like his old self again.

"How's it feel to taste freedom, only to have it cruelly pulled away?" Schuldig asked, interviewing him with the camera.

"How does it feel to know your precious DVD collection you've spent years carefully shaping was destroyed in a fire?" Nagi demanded.

"We hocked some of the antiques from our new penthouse and had a shopping spree. How did you think I got the camera?" Schuldig asked.  
"Penthouse?" Nagi asked. He frowned. "Where's Farf?"

"Bonding with his brother." Crawford answered.

Nagi gaped. "Where's Farf?" He asked again, not believing it.

"Dana took him and Dante out for ice cream. He wants them to bond before Esset sends Grau back to Iceland. And since he volunteered to take out the psycho and pyrokinetic…" Schuldig trailed off. "We didn't have to babysit so we went shopping."

Nagi stared at Crawford. "Schuldig is lazy and irresponsible, I understand that. But you should know better!"

"Dana can handle it. He's a very powerful telepath. Any time one of them gets too dangerous he knocks them out." Crawford said dismissively. "Meanwhile I got the king of all Crittertrails. Curt Schilling will be very happy."

TBC

In the next chappie Aya gets trashed, Farfarello and Dante have a heart to heart and we learn something new about Ken! Coming to you…sometime in the next…whenever, whenever me and Chikin write it.


	10. ADRENALINE

And now for another action packed installment of Banned in Boston. For this exciting introduction we have…a staff meeting.

"I thought you promised never to do this again." Yohji pointed out.

"They break promises a lot. Haven't you ever noticed how they promise to update soon?" Nagi answered dryly.

"Hey, we update a lot more frequently than other fan fic authors." eMu snapped defensively.

"Tell that to your Harry Potter characters. They're withering up." Chikin said, poking eMu's arm. "They've turned into rat people."

"I just need to figure out what to do next is all." eMu said guiltily.

"Yeah, for about twenty fics." Chikin whined.

"Right, well anyway, we're not here to discuss that-"

"No, because you want to ignore all of the Harry Potter people. They're dying! They've been out of the lime light for far too long-"

"Dammit Chikin, Weiss-Schwarz…well they're both here. Now, we want to discuss the dwindling reviews-"

"C'mon Chikin sama! Chikin sama, Chikin sama, Chikin sama-" Chikin chanted annoyingly.

eMu raised her voice and spoke over her. "Obviously you guys aren't attracting the reviewers the way you used to-"

"Chikin sama, Chikin sama, Chikin sama-"

"Can I kill her?" Aya volunteered, as Chikin turned her chant into an intense whisper.

"You could if you knew how to use a sword." Chikin snapped, then went back to chanting. Aya lunged, so Chikin sidestepped and Aya slammed into a wall.

"Are the reviews really dwindling? And how the hell is that our fault when you're the damned writers?" Nagi snapped.

"Dammit Chikin shut up!" eMu yelled. She snapped her fingers and Chikin was muzzled. A thought bubble emerged from her head.

'Damned eMu and her control of the keyboard. Chikin sama, Chikin sama, Chikin sama'

"Can you stop the thought bubble? It's filling the room." Omi complained.

eMu popped it. "Alright. So we're going to analyze the reviews from the latest chapter and see if there are any pointers we can glean from it."

"IE we're pandering to our audience again?" Yohji asked. "You know, if you really want to pander you could cut Grau. No one likes original characters."

"Shut up. We are not going Lucas cutting Jar Jar. We're just gonna look at our reviews. We can have artistic integrity and pay attention to our fans." eMu insisted. She was met with stony looks from the assembled characters. Ignoring them, she read the first review.

"This one's from Southpaw Boxer. She says 'Wai! So cute! Can't you and Chikin-sama please update soon? I live for the Aya and Schwarz moments! Acctualy, I love virtually everyone except Ken and Yohji. Any road, you've made me a fan of Nagi torture! More! More! More!'"

"She called me CHIKIN SAMA!" Chikin squealed, her pure joy killing the muzzle.

"So that's why she's been so annoying." Crawford muttered.

"Finally, someone mentions me in the review! It's always eMu!" Chikin ranted. "Just because she types-"

"And created the account. And posts. And bugs you to update. You know, I think I deserve more credit. Not to mention I wrote the first three chapters independently." eMu snapped back.

"But I co-wrote when it started getting good!" Chikin argued.

"Wait a minute. What's wrong with me and Ken?" Yohji demanded.

"You pale in comparison to our glory." Schuldig answered.

"I'm sure that's it Circus Clown." Yohji said patronizingly.

"Ahem! What did we learn from this review?" eMu shouted.

"That we should kill Ken and Yohji?" Aya guessed.

"And torture the whelp. They seem to like that." Schuldig added.

Ken, Yohji and Nagi turned glares on the two redheads.

"Right. Well, we're not killing Ken and Yohji. See? We're not pandering. On to the next review-"

"Hey wait! What about torturing me?" Nagi demanded.

"Chibi torture is a long standing tradition of this fic. We can hardly change it at this point." eMu answered patiently.

"I think you can change very easily-"

"And our next review is from suicide.angel01. 'So, caugh let us speak about Ken's test scores! evilgrin And then rewind the video to look at Nagiwagis shattered hopes and dreams in close-up. Why didn't you got a video camera for Schu a little bit sooner anyway? Think about all the great family moments missed and lost forever! Like the look on little Farfi-babe after his ride in the Laundromat! gets dreamy look I was shoked by the femals ih but I think Omi-kun dead dog made up for it. That's it, for my far too long review which didn't say anything suicide angel.'"

Omi sniffled. "She liked my puppy dying?"

"Actually I thought that was pretty funny too." Ken admitted.

"What! Ken-kun!"

"Is there anyone who didn't think Kritiker killing Omi's puppy was funny?" Ken asked the room at large.

Everyone either muttered noncommittally or remained silent while avoiding Omi's eyes. Even Nagi. Omi glared an Aya-shi-ne glare at him.

"I didn't think it was funny at first! But…I mean he had a cute name. He had to die." Nagi said defensively.

"So? I should have named him something stupid like Dead or Rictor Mortis?" Omi snapped.

"What's wrong with the name Dead?" Nagi asked. "It'd look great on the tombstone. But then again there really wasn't a tombstone."

Now Crawford was glaring at Nagi.

"Well…so torturing cute things is still funny. Now for our next review. This is from LoneCayt. 'Aya gets trashed? Yay! I think my favorite fics are the ones where Aya is either stoned or drunk (or both) off his ass. Happy. By the by, which picture is this with the rose tattoo and Ken in bondage? That sounds exciting. Oh, and I love Crawford in this chap. His logic is amazing.' Wow. I think that's the first time someone's complimented Crawford so openly."

"Hey! People like me." Crawford sniffed.

"You wear a suit." Chikin argued.

"So?" Crawford said defensively, wondering how this was relevant.

"So it either makes you an asshole or a rapist. Or possibly both." Chikin explained.

"Or a professional."

"Not in fan fiction. Those are the rules. The fact that you're tall isn't in your favor as a non-rapist either." Chikin continued.

"I'm not a rapist!" Crawford yelped.

All of the other characters had scooted away from him.

"Uh…what's this about Aya and Ken in bondage?" Yohji asked, looking slightly disgusted.

eMu handed them one of the many embarrassing official images.

"I don't remember posing for this!" Aya shouted.

"Am I wearing a skirt?" Yohji yelped.

"Am I wearing a skirt?" Omi asked, grabbing the picture.

"Am I wearing a skirt?" Ken yelped.

"I'm wearing pants." Aya said smugly.

"And they're unbuttoned." Yohji noted.

"Aya, you slut!" Ken looked scandalized.

"You're the one with the dog collar!" Aya snapped back.

"Aya, do you really have that tattoo?" Omi asked.

"I think this picture was doctored. Yohji only has one eye." Aya growled.

"Ken. Does Aya really have that tattoo?" Yohji asked.

"I dunno. It was kinda dark in the storage room-"

"Shut up! I don't have that tattoo." Aya said with a death glare.

"Somehow I don't believe him." Omi muttered.

"I don't!" Aya insisted. He pulled off his shirt to prove it, and there was a rose tattoo on his chest. He covered it quickly with his hand. "I don't remember that!" He yelped.

"You'd think it would be in the rest of the pictures when he's shirtless." Schuldig noted, flipping through the large pile of embarrassing official images. "Why am I green?"

"Remember? That stage you went through with the green hair-" Crawford started.

"I remember that! I mean all green!" Schuldig snapped.

"And more importantly, why are you heiling?" Nagi asked, pulling out another picture.

"Heiling?" Schuldig asked. Then he stared at the picture. He was indeed, posing as though honoring Hitler. "Oh God! Stop insulting my culture! What? Is there a picture of Farf river dancing as a leprechaun!"

"WHAT!" Farf screeched.

"No, they haven't done that yet." eMu said through clenched teeth. Once again the characters had run away from her. "We can't even get through six goddamn reviews. Let's just start the fucking story!"

"You guys ruined it again!"

"Shut up Chikin!"

"Chikin sama, Chikin sama, Chikin sa-"

AT THE KONEKO

"What'd they say? What'd they say?" Ken asked excitedly.

"I'm going out." Aya snapped.

"Where're you going? Wait! Where are you going?" Ken asked. Aya slammed the door in his face. Ken watched from the window as the porshe peeled out of the driveway and down the street.

MEANWHILE

"So how do you like your ice cream?" Dana asked pleasantly.

"It's good." Farf answered cheerfully. Dante was silently glaring at Farf, hardly noticing his ice cream.

"Dante, how do you like your ice cream?" Dana asked firmly.

"Too cold." Dante growled. "Quiet, I'm concentrating."

"What are you doing?" Farfarello asked curiously.

"Giving you brain cancer."

"AAh! Make him stop!" Farf wailed. "Dana, he's doing it again!"

"For the last time, you can't give him cancer!" Dana exclaimed.

"If I wish hard enough it'll come true. Disney taught me that." Dante answered.

"You like Disney too?" Farf asked excitedly.

"Not anymore." Dante answered. Farf frowned, looking sad. "That's another thing you've destroyed for me! My family, my life and now…the one good thing about my childhood. What's next? Music?"

"I love musi-"

"I think that's a great idea! Let's do karaoke! This is Japan, there should be a karaoke bar around here somewhere." Dana said desperately.

Dante and Farfarello fixed a glare on Dana. "Karaoke is an insult to music." They said in unison, then both scowled at the fact that they'd done it again.

"Can we go to the zoo?" Farf asked.

"We already went to the damn zoo. The only thing there were suicidal animals." Dante snapped.

"Alright, Dante. You need to get over this. Farf did not do anything to hurt you. Not on purpose. He didn't even know you existed-"

"He took everything from me! Do you know how good my life would have been if he'd been stillborn!" Dante exclaimed.

"Ouch."

"That's it, we're getting professional help." Dana muttered.

AT DA SCHWARZ PENTHOUSE

"Wow. This almost makes up for the years of abuse and neglect I've suffered at your hands." Nagi said approvingly as he entered the new penthouse.

"Quiet pack mule!" Schuldig snapped, giving Nagi a little encouragement kick into the living room. He'd been lugging up the shopping bags with his telekinesis.

Crawford immediately emptied the contents of the Penny's Pet Emporium bag on the living room rug.

"I'm gonna claim a bedroom." Nagi announced, leaving Schuldig and Crawford to their new toys. "This one looks good-"

"It's Farf's. We already fitted the new locks on the door." Crawford called.

"Okay, well-"

"That's mine!" Schuldig called.

"Well then this one-"

"That's my second bedroom!" Schuldig announced.

"You can't have two bedrooms!" Nagi complained.

"If you'd been here, you could have gotten the spare bedroom." Crawford said slowly. "Wait…that one's mine…then there's Curt Schilling's room. We forgot to leave a bedroom open for Nagi."

"Curt Schilling can't have his own room! He's a hamster!" Nagi yelped.

"No, he is my hamster and I am the team leader. He's second in command. He gets his own room-"

"Wait a minute Brad. I am not taking orders from a hamster! I thought I was second in command! I have seniority!" Schuldig yelled.

"Yeah well, you're not my favorite." Crawford answered smugly. Nagi was snorted.

"Oh come on. Everyone knows you're at the bottom of this food chain. No one loves you." Schuldig said scathingly. Nagi frowned. "Your parents should have had an abortion."

"Omi said that's a mean thing to say." Nagi said weakly.

"Omi says a lot of things." Schuldig answered.

"Look, Nagi needs a bedroom so you need to give up your second bedroom." Crawford stated.

"Hey, this place has big closets. He doesn't really need a bedroom-"

"Fine. He gets your walk in closet."

"Hey!" From both Nagi and Schuldig.

"I don't wanna sleep in a closet!"

"I don't want him to sleep in my closet!"

Nagi turned on his heel and slammed one of the doors.

"Where's he now?" Schuldig asked.

"He's in the bathroom." Crawford noted.

"I claim this room!"

"Fine. This place has gotta be loaded with bathrooms." Schuldig said, turning back to his new toys.

"Actually we just have the one. And an outhouse."

"Memories…" They both said with a sigh.

LATER

"You can't monopolize the toilet paper!" Schuldig yelled.

"It's my room, I have claimed everything within these tiled walls!" Nagi answered. He'd already added some homey touches to it. He'd gotten a slipcover for the toilet and filled the tub with pillows, which made it a surprisingly comfortable bed. He had his laptop plugged in at the sink outlet, and Omi had been getting him supplies. They were talking online, and Omi had been bringing food to him that he'd been floating through the open window.

"Has he moved yet?" Crawford asked.

"No, the toilet king is still sitting on his pearly throne." Schuldig spat. "I think he's really planning on living there."

"Just give him your spare room!" Crawford snapped.

"No!"

"Well then force him out with your powers! We need that bathroom! The outhouse is infested with opossums." Crawford snapped.

"I can't."

"Pardon?"

"I can't force him out! The acoustics of the room are all wrong. Everything bounces back and confuses my brain. It's like the ultimate in telepathic shielding." Schuldig admitted.

"Mastermind has been defeated by tiles." Crawford said slowly, absorbing that pathetic bit of information. "Let's break the door down."

"I can't! I tried that. Takatori reinforced all his doors. He really is paranoid!" Schuldig yelped.

"Where are you going?" Crawford demanded to Schu's retreating back.

"I have to pee. I'm going to Yohji's."

"I thought you weren't talking-"

"I'm not."

"Aren't you gonna have to-"

"No. If he doesn't let me in I'll piss on the lawn." Schuldig explained.

"That can't work-" Crawford was cut off by his cell phone ringing. "Hello?"

"Hey…Crawfoo-chan!"

"Who the hell is this? How did you get this number?" Crawford demanded.

"You gaff me th'number bastard! They pulled m'over and took th'car. I needa ride."

"Ran? Is that you?" Crawford asked, stunned. "Are you okay? Are you bleeding? Hold on, I'll be over in a minute. I'd bring a first aid kit but Nagi's walled himself into the bathroom."

"M'not hurd…huty…hurdy hurdee…"

"Are you drunk?" Crawford asked.

"They took m'car. They took Aya-sama man! I…I dunno what I'd do wifout m'car…s'my life." Aya sounded like he was crying now.

"Nagi I'm heading out!" Crawford called.

"Okay! I'm not coming out!" Nagi answered.

"I didn't expect you to!"

ELSEWHERE

"Hello Jei and Sei. I'm Miss Poppet." A little puppet in a cupcake dress and a bonnet said pleasantly.

"Can we leave now?" Dante asked.

"Sit back down! This woman is the foremost authority on family therapy." Dana informed his two captives.

"The puppet?" Farfarello asked.

"Yes. The puppet." Dante answered scathingly. "What the hell is wrong with you!"

"Wait a minute Sei…you're going to bust Jei's IALAC if you do that." Miss Poppet chided.

"My whatsit?" Farf asked.

"IALAC. I am loving and capable. When people say mean things, they bust people's IALACs, and we don't want to do that." Miss Poppet explained. "Now you need to tell Jei something you like about him to get his IALAC back up."

"I don't wanna." Dante whined.

"Do it or you're never leaving." Dana threatened.

"Fine. I like his nose. Except for that big ugly scar he made over it. Like the big ugly scar he is in my life, taking all that's good and mutilating it into-"

"Alright Sei, that's enough. Did you hear that Jei? Your brother thinks you're handsome. How does that make you feel?" Miss Poppet asked.

"Like a narcissist." Farfarello answered.

"How-"

"Don't interrupt please Dana. Jei, can you please explain why you're feeling that?" Miss Poppet asked.

"Sure. You see we're identical twins. So if he thinks I'm handsome, then he thinks he's handsome, and that makes him vain. So he's a narcissist. So I'm a narcissist…Wait, no. I get all confused when I talk to puppets." Farfarello lamented.

"It's okay dear, you're doing fine. Now why don't you tell me something you like about your brother?" Miss Poppet asked.

"I like it when he doesn't burn me."

"No, what do you like about him? Something that he does."

"Well see, he does burn me, so I like it when he doesn't-"

"Not what he doesn't, what he does!"

"You don't have to yell. You're a mean puppet." Farf pouted.

"You see what I have to put up with!" Dante screeched.

"What do you mean put up with! We met two days ago!" Farfarello yelled.

"No shouting in the happy hut! THIS IS A PLACE OF LOVE AND TOGETHERNESS DAMMIT!" Miss Poppet screamed.

"Yes'm." The twins said in unison.

"Wow…took seven minutes for the puppet to snap." Dana noted, looking at his watch.

MEANWHILE, ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD

"Ran? You look terrible." Crawford said with a frown. He'd rarely seen his vain friend so disheveled.

"T'anks Brad…you alwaysh shucked at compl'ments." Aya slurred.

"What happened?" Crawford asked, losing some of his sympathy towards his friend.

"Armageddon, thash' wha! You heard me! Th'world's ending! Pack your bags, s'all gone, bye bye!" He waved to his imaginary world. "I'm an idiot," He was now counting off a list on his fingers. "You're an idiot, Yohji's an idiot, Schuldig's an idiot, we're all idiots! Th'whole world's an idiot, c'ept one!"

"And who would that be?" Crawford asked.

Aya laughed, a slow croaking laugh.

BACK AT THE KONEKO

"It's all dark and lonely in here." Ken whimpered. "Yohji I'm scared!"

"Ken, it's alright. You're just stuck in the pantry again. Turn around and walk back out." Yohji said patiently. He was seated at the kitchen table, online shopping on Omi's laptop.

"It's dark! I can't get out, I'm gonna starve!" Ken yelped fearfully.

Yohji let out a long suffering sigh, then got up and helped his friend out of the food pantry. "Now leave me alone. I'm trying to find Schuldig a Christmas present."

"But it's way past Christmas Yohji. Oh I get it! You're an early shopper." Ken said with a nod.

"Sure. That's it. Okay Ken, if you were Schuldig, what would you-no. Never mind." Yohji stopped and sat down in front of the laptop again.

"What?"

"You have horrible taste in Christmas presents, so I don't need your help." Yohji explained.

"Hey, I did pretty good this year." Ken said defensively.

"Yes, I've used my cap gun many a time. It has taken down many a dark beast in battle." Yohji answered sarcastically.

"Well Omi liked his!"

"What about last year?"

"Are you blaming me for the Sims fiasco?"

"Yes. Oh, and the year before."

"It's not my fault those bunny rabbits were rabid!"

DING DONG.

"Can you get it?" Yohji asked, pulling up his website again.

"Sure." Ken walked over to the front door. "Hey Schuldig."

"Hey Hidaka. So. You've gotten over that strange fear of me?"

"Strange? You threatened my manhood! With a rusty scalpel and a pink scrunchy!" (see Malarkeys and Mayhem - A/N)

"Jesus man, you need to get over things like that. Is Yohji in?" Schuldig asked.

"Hang on." Ken walked into the kitchen. "Yohji, there's someone at the-"

"I'm busy now, alright? Tell her to go away!" Yohji snapped.

Ken walked back over to the door. "Yohji says to go away. Oh, and he called you a woman."

"What! Look, just ask him if I can use the bathroom."

Ken once again marched over to Yohji. "Hey Yohji-"

"Leave me alone Ken! I need to get Schuldig a present so he'll like me again, and this fucking website keeps freezing! Whatever it is, NO!" Yohji yelled.

"Okay." Ken went back to report to Schuldig. "He says no."

"I hate you!" Yohji's scream was audible from the kitchen.

"And he hates you." Ken added.

Schuldig had a scowl on his face. "Fine then. If you'll excuse me." He turned calmly.

Ken walked back into the kitchen.

"I hate you! You stupid website! LOAD! L-o-a-d!" Yohji urged it.

"Schuldig's peeing on the seven." Ken announced.

"What?" Yohji jumped up from his chair.

"Maybe he's marking his territory. I dunno. You said he couldn't use the bathroom."

"I what now?" Yohji ran over to his car, in time to see a very angry Schuldig storming away. 


	11. Chocolate and Chick Flicks

Nagi opened the bathroom door a small crack and peeked out. The house was empty, and had been for about seven minutes. He decided it was safe to make a raid.

He bolted into the kitchen and started grabbing food. He paused at the cereal cabinet. And then he got an idea. An awful idea. The Nagi got a wonderful awful idea. He spitefully grabbed all of the Fruity Pebbles, and, just to be a real bastard, the Cocoa Pebbles too. And just in case Schuldig was planning on compensating with Froot Loops he took all the milk as well.

DING DONG.

"Crap." Nagi sent all the supplies into the bathroom and slammed the door, then warily made his way over to the front door.

What he found on the other side was quite possibly the most unpleasant thing imaginable.

"Hi-oh it's you." Ouka scowled at him, clutching a giant welcome wagon basket. "Great, the new neighbors are freaks."

"I know how you feel." Nagi said, slowly closing the door.

Then the Ouka had an idea. A dastardly idea. The Ouka had a wonderful, dastardly idea. If there is a Nagi, then an Omi must surely follow.

Ouka stuck her foot in the door to keep it open.  
"This is trespassing." Nagi snapped.

"Actually, my father owns this penthouse, so really it's not. Don't you want your welcome wagon?" Ouka asked cheerfully.

"No. Just put it on the doormat." Nagi instructed, making a renewed effort to close the door. He kicked her foot out of the doorway, shut it and locked it. Then the lock snapped back.

"I have a skeleton key! I can come in anytime I want, so you might as well just let me in!" Ouka called from the other side.

"That is really creepy." Nagi ignored her, and headed back to his bedroom to organize his new supplies.

"Where are you going?" Ouka asked.

"The bathroom." Nagi answered.

"Oh."

LATER

"You've been in there for over an hour. Are you okay?" Ouka asked.

"Go home!" Nagi called.

"I'm opening the door. Are you decent?"

"No."

"Well you're never really decent anyway." Ouka opened the door. "What the hell?" Nagi was sitting on the toilet typing on his laptop, which was seated on a TV tray. The sink was full of cold water and plugged, with the milk sitting in it.

"A hamster stole my bedroom." Nagi explained. "So I stole the bathroom."

"Right. You're crazy, I get it. Are you talking to Omi?" Ouka asked, noting the IM box on his laptop screen.

"No."

"He won't give me his screen name for some reason. I've been trying to get it for awhile now. Do you have it?"

"No, he won't give it to me either. I guess he's paranoid. Doesn't like talking to people…online." Nagi explained.

Ouka leaned over his shoulder, and Nagi was unable to hide the conversation box fast enough.

"Ah. So you're cheating on Omi then." Ouka seemed delighted with this little tidbit.

"Yeah. That's why I didn't want you to see this. You gotta help me Ouka. Promise you won't tell."

"You're a very unconvincing liar." Ouka snapped. "Bombay22987. Well that's easy. It's just his birthday at the end."

"It's his birthday?" Nagi asked.

"You're trying to lie right now, right?"

"Oh shit…that's kinda soon."

"You really are a horrible boyfriend!" Ouka accused.

"Yeah, well you're an excellent stalker." Pause. "What else do you know?"

"What can you do for me?" Ouka asked.

Nagi thought for a minute.

"Pictures." Ouka said.

"What? Baby pictures?" Nagi asked hopefully.

"No. Take pictures of him. I'll get you one of those tiny spy cameras." Ouka clarified.

"That's just…" Nagi shuddered. "Why don't you take pictures of him?"

"He's around you more than he's around me. And I do. He's always got the same fake smile on. I want some variety."

"You're creepy. Get out of my bathroom!"

"I know all his likes and dislikes. I can help you get a good present."

"I winged it on Christmas well enough." Nagi muttered.

"So you're gonna get him another promise ring?" Ouka asked patronizingly.

"How the hell did you know about that!" Nagi yelped.

"I have my ways…" Ouka said shiftily. "I'll have the camera for you tomorrow."

ELSEWHERE

Crawford pulled up in front of the Koneko, where Yohji was washing his car in the driveway. He helped Aya out of his car and held him while he stumbled towards the door.

Yohji dropped the hose. "Has there been an attack? I thought you two were friends! What did you do to-whoa…hey there Rummy." Yohji caught a wiff of Aya's breath.

"I believe this is yours." Crawford said, dumping Aya onto the driveway.

"Actually it's Ken's." Yohji replied.

"Kensha geniush…" Aya groaned.

"Is he even speaking Japanese?" Yohji asked. "That's right Aya, wooshy wooshy woo. C'mon, let's get you to bed."

"Yer'n idiot!"

"Fine, you can sleep on the lawn. Rummy." Yohji snapped.

"No, what he means is in comparison to Hidaka you're an idiot." Crawford explained.

Yohji picked up the hose menacingly. "Get off my property!"

"Look, according to the intelligence scores-"

"I just helped him find his way out of the food pantry." Yohji explained. "So I don't need you people telling me he's smarter than me! And you're freaking teammate just pissed all over my car, I don't need this-"

"YOHJI!" A cry of pure Ken terror was heard from the house.

"It's just a pillow Ken, SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Yohji screamed. "He hasn't been the same since the flower shop incident."

"Look, Aya's upset because Ken got a perfect score on the Kritiker IQ test." Crawford explained.

"Yeah, right." Yohji said sarcastically. "Ken's a genius. And Aya lost his car!"

"Yes."

"Get out." Yohji was once again leveling the hose at him.

"Fine. Rummy can explain it to you when he stops slurring." Crawford gave up and headed towards his car.

Yohji half-carried Aya to his bed and was just about to return to washing his car when the phone rang. "Hello?"

"Hello. Is Absynnian in?"

"He's indisposed right now. Can I take a message?" Yohji asked.

"Balinese?"

"That's me."

"Oh, well, it's about Siberian's recent test scores. Apparently this is the first time Kritiker has had access to a full fledged super genius and-"

"Pardon?"

"His scores. He was off the charts. Anyway, we wanted to study his behavior, see what we can learn from him and maybe show his techniques to our other assassins."

"How did you get this number? Damn crank callers!" Yohji hung up. The phone immediately rang again, so he unplugged it.

LATER

Aya woke up a few hours later with a severe hangover and a fuzzy memory of why he'd gotten so drunk. He rolled over and saw a pair of eyes staring at him.

"AAAHH!"

"Aaaaahh!" The owner of said eyes screamed back, then covered his face with the blanket.

"Ken? What the hell are you doing in my bed! Stop screaming…dear God it hurts." Aya clutched his skull. "Ken, I promise I won't be mad. What are you doing in my room?"

"I was looking for your katana." Ken explained nervously. He knew from experience Aya never meant it when he said he wouldn't be mad if you told him something.

"Why are you! Ow…Why are you looking for my katana?" Aya asked, making every effort to keep his voice low and soft.

"I can't tell you."

"Why!" Pause. "Ow…"

"It's a surprise."

"Well I don't keep my katana in my bed."

"Oh."

"You can get up now."

Ken stood up.

"Leave the blanket. It's cold in here."

"Okay Aya-chan!" Ken said sweetly.

"Don't call me tha-ow…" Aya buried his head in his hands, calling up patience he didn't really have. By the time he'd recovered Ken was gone. As was his katana.

Now Aya was angry, and he couldn't even slashy-slashy something to make him feel better.

Aya stalked over to his bedroom door, ready to find Ken and decapitate him. He flung open the door, and then very quickly slammed it shut again.

"First aspirin. Then revenge." Pause. "Quite possibly breakfast."

ELSEWHERE

"So what are you doing for Valentine's day?" Ouka asked sweetly.

Nagi glared at her from across the table. He was eating his breakfast and she had once again broken into his home.

"Am I required to do something for Valentine's day?" Nagi responded. "I thought girls made chocolates or something."

"Well I didn't think you were really the man in this relationship." Ouka responded. "Ow! Stop flinging Froot Loops at me!"

"Have you seen Omi? He's sensitive and femmy! It's like he-have you seen his eyes! He wears mascara! And the way he dresses? It's all pink and frilly!" Nagi exclaimed.

"Well you should get him something to be safe. I don't know how it's supposed to work in these forbidden womanless relationships." Ouka snapped.

"Fine. I'll buy him roses." Nagi said noncommittally.

Ouka glared.

"What?" Nagi demanded.

"He's a florist. You can't get him roses for Valentine's day."

"You buy him flowers!" Nagi responded. "From his own shop!"

"I am a stalker. The rules are different for me." Ouka said haughtily.

"What rules?" Nagi snapped.

"Listen Nagi, you have three big events for presents coming up. His birthday, Valentine's day and your six month anniversary-"

"It hasn't been six months yet. Anyway, I thought anniversaries were celebrated by the year."

Ouka laughed. "Oh come on, everyone knows the big ones. One week, one month, six months and then yearly."

Nagi's eyes widened. As far as he could tell he'd missed all of those. He was pretty sure Omi had too. Then he remembered that teddy bear he'd gotten. And the hand made bracelet.

"Oh crap!" He got a pad of paper and a pen.

LATER

"Wait. How do I know I can trust you? You could be making this shit up." Nagi said accusingly.

"Well I was making some of it up." Ouka admitted. "You're gullible. What couple celebrates Groundhog day?"

"I don't know about real couples. That's the point." Nagi snapped.

"Look, I want to help you because I like it when Omi is happy. And you are a shitty boyfriend who won't make him happy without proper grooming." Ouka explained. "It's actually insulting that he's dating you when he could have me, so I'm at least going to make you up to my standards."

"And you want me to take dirty pictures of my boyfriend."

"Yes, that too."

ELSEWHERE

Schuldig's funds were now running a little low. Esset had all but cut Schwarz off, and the money they'd gotten from pawning Takatori's valuables was all but gone. He was standing in the supermarket with a box of Fruity Pebbles, staring at the Valentine's day display.

"Why the hell should I feel obligated to get that fucking asshole cowboy something." He growled to himself.

Well. There was a box of Fruity Pebbles back at the pent house. He could make it last.  
He grabbed a large box of chocolates and stalked over to the counter.

When he arrived at the penthouse, Schuldig became very angry. The cabinet was bare of all Fruit Pebbles. The fridge was bare of all milk.

And sitting on the table for him was a vase of flowers from the cowboy.

"That cheap assed bastard! He's a fucking florist and he gets me flowers!" Schuldig picked up the vase and stalked over to the barrel. "Use your damn employee discount on me, will you?" He threw them into the barrel and trudged over to the couch. With his chocolates.

LITTLE LATER

"Coming up next on Oxygen, Bridget Jones's Diary. We now return you to When Harry Met Sally."

"Schuldig? Are you okay?" Dana was dropping Farfarello off, after his family therapy session with Dante. Farf had run through the room with a bloody puppet in his mouth, and was now excitingly investigating his new home.

"M'fine." Schuldig growled. "Shaddup. I'm watching a movie. Those two are never gonna hook up. And they're perfect for each other and they're too stupid to know! They don't deserve each other."

Dana looked scared.

"Well…I brought Farfarello back. Um…are you sure you're okay?"

"I would be if they made more coconut chocolates. Who the hell needs this many nuts in their damn chocolate?" Schuldig yelled, flinging a chocolate wrapper across the room.

"Someone…got you chocolates?" Dana asked.

"No. I got me chocolates! Someone was a bastard! Someone fucking lead me on. Now I eat his chocolates. And drink Crawford's hamster champagne."

"He bought champagne for his hamster?" Dana asked.

"No…he bought it to celebrate the hamster's birthday. He wasn' gonna give any to the hamster. And now he can't."

Dana looked from the still three fourths full Dixie cup of champagne to the fully inebriated assassin on the couch munching on chocolate. "How many champagne bottles did he have for the hamster?" Dana picked up the bottle, which was still all but full.

"Jus' the one."

"Schuldig, how much do you weigh?"

"Are you calling me fat!"

"No, no! Not that at all."

"M'not fat…" Schuldig sniffed. "Everyone calls me chubby. It's jus' because they're jealous. Jealous they don't look like this!"

"I'm…sure…they are." Dana said slowly. Schuldig's eyes were red and puffy from crying, his face was smeared with chocolate and his hair had taken on a whole new level of badness. "I was just trying to figure out how much of this it would take to make you…dead. I'm pretty sure the bottle would do it. The one bottle. Maybe half."

"Yeah, well don' tell Nagi that." Schuldig responded. He was watching the TV with rapt attention. "See! They get a happy ending. Tha's not how it really works. Tha's just what happens in movies. Movies are crap. I hope they die!" He threw another wrapper at the TV.

"Right." Dana looked uncomfortable. He got up to find Farfarello. He found him standing outside the bathroom door patiently.

"This blood's all sticky. I need to wash it off." Farf complained. "Nagi's been in there since I got home."

"Why don't you use the kitchen sink?" Dana suggested.

"Oh…okay."

"Um…can you look after Schuldig? He doesn't seem well."

Farf started laughing. "I can't even look after myself! They had to duct tape off the garbage disposal switch for me. Wait a minute…new house." Farfarello let out a giddy squeal and then ran for the kitchen.

"Nagi…can you look after Schuldig?"

Nagi opened the bathroom door and stared at Dana. He laughed, very openly and creepily considering he never really showed that sort of emotion, and then slammed the door shut.

"It's Valentine's day. I'm spending it with my boyfriend. I hope Schuldig kills himself." Nagi responded from the other side of the door.

Dana walked back to the living room, where Schuldig was now watching Bridget Jones's Diary. The scene featured a drunk Bridget alone on the couch with a bottle of wine lip synching along with the radio, to the song 'All by Myself' and Schuldig was acting it out perfectly, down to the high kick.

Dana frowned.

He went into the kitchen and made a pot of coffee, then sat down on the couch next to Schuldig to watch the movie with him.

That's all for now. We meant to have a V-day fic done well before V-day…but it sorta snuck up on us. We'll have it written in full eventually. Happy something people! 


	12. moop spelled backwards is poom

"Aya's going to kill you." 

"Hi Yohji! I'm gonna clean it up. I promise! He'll never know." Ken was seated in the kitchen surrounded by bowls of melted chocolate. It seemed like he had every bowl they owned full of chocolate. He had a paint brush in one hand and Aya's katana in the other.

"What are you doing?" Yohji asked, although it was fairly obvious Ken was covering the sword in chocolate.

"Ssh! It's art. I need complete concentration." Ken said. He slowly applied another layer of chocolate to the blade, got a good amount on his hand, and then licked it off and smiled dopily.

"So how long have you been doing this?" Yohji asked.

"I wanted to do the coats evenly so you could see the pattern on the hilt. And I didn't want Aya to see it either so I got him out of the house." Ken explained.

ELSEWHERE

"What? No, we didn't unplug your sister. Her life support is fine. We only take her off it at your request Fujimiya-san."

"I see."

BACK AT THE KONEKO

"So…what kind of chocolate did you use?" Yohji asked.

"I used dark chocolate on the hilt and light chocolate on the blade. Isn't it pretty? I'm thinking of swirling some white chocolate into patterns. Do you think I'll have time?" Ken asked.

"Why…why are you doing this?"

"Because it's Valentine's day."

"I know…but most people, well they-"

"It's creative." Ken explained. "See, I wanted it to involve something he liked. That makes it personal. So, his katana. And chocolate makes it Valentine's day-ish. See? Omi's always ranting about personalizing gifts. Now it's personalized."

"I see."

"I don't." A low growl.

"Hi Aya!" Ken beamed. "It's done enough now. Here you go! Happy Valentine's da-aaaggkkll!"

"Aya, let go of his windpipe!"

"Sure! Let me get my hands on my sword!"

Aya pried the sword out of Ken's hands and prepared to swing it, while Yohji simultaneously prepared to flee (to phone 911. Really, that was his motivation. He was being a good person, not a coward…yeah.)

Unfortunately, Aya handles a sword like a baseball bat. Added to that, the hilt happened to be covered in chocolate, which was still rather melty. This caused it to slide right out of his hands when he raised the katana to strike Ken down. The katana flew across the room.

"Crap." Aya growled.

"Yay!" Ken cheered.

"Ah!"

Aya and Ken spun around. Yohji was backed against the wall. The katana had landed just barely below his crotch and was stuck into the wall. Yohji was very pale and shaking. The katana had actually ripped through his pants and was pinning him there.

"Are you okay Yohji?" Ken asked.

Yohji tried to speak, and only got out a squeak. He cleared his throat and tried again. This time he wheezed.

Aya walked over to his sword. He tried to pull the sword out but it was stuck pretty deep. He put his foot up and leaned (against Yohji's abdomen) and finally managed to pull the katana out. Yohji slowly slid down the wall until he was sitting.

Aya inspected the blade. "No blood. So it didn't break skin." He turned to Yohji. "I'm not buying you new pants." He glared at Ken. "As soon as I get this chocolate off I'm killing you."

"But Aya! It's a present!" Ken whined, following him out of the room.

AT THE SCHWARZ PENTHOUSE

"You know this movie is a comedy."

"Shaddup."

"You're a grouch."

"Shaddup." Pause. "Pass the chocolates."

"You ate them all. Or smushed your finger in them and decided you didn't want those." Dana answered.

"There's another layer if you lift that one up." Schuldig said.

"Oh. Well I think you've still had enough."

"Look, if you're going to take away the hamster champagne then you can't take away the chocolates. I'm depressed, so I eat candy." Schuldig snapped.

"And you have issues with your weight?" Dana looked confused. "Why are you depressed anyway? I thought your boyfriend got you flowers."

"He's a florist."

"So?"

"So it means he didn't want to get me a real present! He just pulled something from work. And he's not my boyfriend." Schuldig snapped.

"Um…if he's a florist then I think that makes it better. It means he made the bouquet himself. So it's a handmade present. It's more personal." "It's cheap!" Schuldig whined. "Besides, he didn't get me a Christmas present!"

"You should stop focusing on all this materialistic crap. Instead of looking at what he doesn't do, look at what he does do." Dana advised.

"You sound like a friggin shrink."

"I watch a lot of Oprah. Look, why did you go into this relationship with him in the first place?"

"I was drunk."

Dana paused for a moment to think. "You are not an attractive drunk. How did that happen?" He mused to himself. Schuldig glared at him.

"He was drunk too!"

"Ah. That explains it."

"Hey! Don't go all 'ah' on me!" Schuldig snapped. "I happen to be a highly sought after assassin."

"Look, it sounds to me like you're making something out of nothing. You obviously care about this guy, so why don't you just call him? I think a clear and meaningful conversation between you two can fix all this."

Schuldig was still glaring at him, ready to tell him how stupid that was, when he realized something. He did care about Yohji. And he did want to tell him. Crap.

"You're…you're right. Thank you Oprah!"

Schuldig rushed over to the phone and dialed the Koneko.

"Nagi!" Omi's voice squeaked at him.

"No, Schuldig. I thought Nagi was at your house?"

"No. I've been waiting for him to call." Omi lamented. "And trying to ignore the noises coming from Aya-kun's room. Do you want to talk to Yohji-kun?"

"Yes."

"Okey-dokey Pokey-okey!"

He could hear the phone handed off. "Listen, don't talk for a minute. I need to get something out." Schuldig said, before Yohji could respond.  
"I…am not an easy person to get along with. I know that, and I have no clue why the fuck you're even still bothering with me. I'm on the emotional level of a toddler. A really spoiled toddler. I just…this stuff about the Christmas present and…that wasn't really important. I shouldn't have made a big deal of it. I just…I've been scared of going all out for this. I've been scared that at some point you're going to realize how fucked up I am and give up, and I don't want to be rejected by you because I really do care about you and what you think of me. Fuck it. I love you Yohji. There."

Expectant pause.

"That's how I feel. Everything's out in the open." Schuldig said, his voice sounding guarded. Dana was watching him from the doorway.

Yohji didn't say anything. In fact, he really couldn't because he hadn't been able to do anything but wheeze since his near castration by katana, but Schuldig didn't know that.

"Will you just fucking say something? I can hear you breathing. Don't pretend you're not there!" Schuldig snapped.

Yohji tried to squeak something out, anything, but all he could do was wheeze. He started slamming the phone against his forehead in frustration.

"What's going on?" Dana asked.

"The fucker's laughing at me! You fucking bastard!" Schuldig yelled into the phone. "Next time we go against each other, it's gonna be a real battle! I'll take your fucking balls! You think being run over by that ambulance was pain? I'll introduce you to a whole new world of pain! I'll get medieval on your ass mother fucker! I'm gonna get some pliers, and a blowtorch and-"

"He'll call you back." Dana pried the phone out of Schuldig's hands and hung it up.

Across town Yohji collapsed onto the floor squeaking and crying.

"Yohji lost his squeaker."

Yohji looked up. Ken was standing in the hallway wearing a sheet.

"Oh. Aya wanted me to go get the melty chocolate from downstairs. Don't mind me." Ken passed through the hallway and Yohji shuddered.

Yohji stared at the phone. The stare turned into a glare. It was now the phone's fault.

"Yohji-kun? Are you okay?" Omi frowned at him. "Oh, right! The not talking thing. Wait…that must have been bad for your conversation with Schuldig-kun. Well it's not like he calls for anything impor-Yohji? Why are you crying? Are you okay? Okay, blink once for okay, twice for not okay. No, wait, start now…no now, I mean-"

Yohji flashed him the thumbs down.

"Oh. That works too. Okay…um…I'll go get a pad of paper and a pen and we can talk about this-"

DING DONG.

"Nagi!" Omi squealed happily. He skipped down the hall, actually jumped over Yohji, who was still huddled and crying, skipped down the stairs and out the door. (Which is dangerous, as Nagi has taught us. -A/N)

"Owee! Aya it's burning me!"

"Good. Roll over."

ACROSS TOWN

Dana measured out two tablespoons full of hamster champagne into a sippy cup and handed it to Schuldig, who was alternately crying and ranting from the kitchen table. He stopped to glare at Dana once he handed him the sippy cup (decked out in a hat and a smiley face).

"I'm sorry. It was the smallest cup you had. I mean the cleanest cup!" Dana explained.

"Did you have to put the cap on?" Schuldig grumbled.

"Sorry. So…do you want to talk about it?" Dana asked.

"No. I want to break his spine. No…no, no, no, I want to rip out his spine and turn it into a belt. A nice belt. Not like the crappy belts they sell in those really tacky-"

"Schuldig, focus. Over here!" Dana snapped his fingers. "I'm sorry, you were just creeping me out. You were talking to the sippy cup."

"Of course I was. He has a face." Schuldig scowled. "I can't believe I was fucking rejected by the cowboy." He took a sip. "You watered this down, didn't you?"

"No…of course not." Pause. "Yes. But it was for your safety. What are you doing?"

"They're showing Fatal Attraction on WE." Schuldig drained his sippy cup and headed into the living room.

Dana threw his ugly green coat onto him. "We're going."

"We? Where are we going?" Schuldig demanded. Dana was now annoyingly blocking his view of the television.

"Out."

TBC

"Tuh...Buh...Cuh..." Ken sounded out.

"It means To Be Contined you idiot!" Aya growled.


	13. forgive us

"What is it?" Nagi asked carefully, not wanting to offend Omi. Omi had just given him his Valentine's day present, which was some sort of congealed pink gunge. 'He gave me cat food.' Nagi thought to himself. 'I thought Omi could cook.' 

"Homemade pudding." Omi said with a careful smile.

"Is it strawberry?" Nagi asked.

"Nope."

"I'm gonna hafta guess this, aren't I?"

"Yup."

Nagi hesitantly took a bite and considered. "This is really good. I don't think I've ever tasted anything like this before."

Omi grinned. "It's a Western recipe. I'm trying new things." Pause. "Where's my present?"

Nagi was completely distracted by the yummy pudding. He floated out Omi's present, which was a box with holes in it. Omi shook it expectantly and it made a yelp noise.

"Don't shake the box!" Nagi instructed.

"Okay." Omi opened the top nervously. Considering the environment Nagi was raised in, a yelping present had a foreboding connotation to it. He very slowly lifted out a cat carrier with a bow on it. Omi's eyes lit up and he squealed. He opened the carrier and pulled out a cuddly Bombay kitten. Omi started squealing and cuddling the kitten.

Nagi made a similar squealing noise as he clutched his throat.

Omi didn't notice.

"Oh my god she's so cute! Thank you Nagi-kun! She's so cute, and she's my kitten, and I don't even know what I should name her!"

Nagi was now gasping and croaking loudly. His chair tipped back.

"Oh Nagi, look at her! She's batting at my bangs! She's got the cutest little paws and the cutest little-"

Nagi fell over.

Thud.

"Whiskers…Nagi?"

ELSEWHERE

"Methinks I hear the shower…" Farfarello mused, stroking Curt Schilling as he walked towards the bathroom to inspect. He almost tripped over Schuldig, who was lying comatose on the hallway floor.

"Curtina!" Farf yelped as the tiny hamster flew out of his hands and landed on a pile of dirty laundry. Curt Schilling immediately started grooming herself.

"Oh, she's okay." Farf said, relieved.

"Geroff m'face." Schuldig groaned.

"Fine. You're all bony and pokey anyway. I assume that's Dana in the shower? How did he get in there?" Farf asked.

"He climbed in through the bathroom window. The whelp left it open when he snuck off to visit Omi. Did you know he was hiding the milk in there? The little bastard! Well I got my revenge. Let's see how well that laptop works after its been soaking in rancid milk for three hours! Ha ha!" Schuldig cried triumphantly.

"Schuldig, isn't that a bit irresponsible considering all of our files are saved on that computer?" Farfarello asked.

"Stop being so damn lucid and cackle with me." Schuldig pouted.

Farfarello narrowed his eye. "I don't feel like cackling. Good day to you sir." With that, he stormed off into the living room to have a chat with Curt Schilling.

"My hair doesn't smell like your vomit anymore, so you are forgiven." Dana announced, toweling off his hair as he exited the recently liberated bathroom.

"It was your great idea to bring me out when I was drunk." Schuldig said. "It was your own damn fault."

"And it was my fault we got arrested because of what you did to that poor street performer too, was it?" Dana demanded.

"Hey, he was coming on to me!" Schuldig insisted.

Dana scowled. "And I thought Grau was dysfunctional. I am really sick of picking up after everyone. I can't wait until we go back to Greenland."

"What? You live in Greenland?" Farf asked.

"I'm sorry." Schuldig put in.

"Eh. It's not as bad as Maine." Dana shrugged.

"You lived in Maine?" Farf asked.

"No. But I've heard stories. Horrible stories. Anyway, we're heading back to Greenland in a few days, so you'd damn well better make up with your brother and you'd damn well better…buy me a new shirt. It was a very nice one you ruined." Dana sniffed.

"I'll write you a check." Schuldig said casually. Dana looked suspicious, but he was appeased enough to leave. Schuldig chuckled as soon as he heard the door shut. "Stupid bastard. Like I have a checking account."

"Like you have any money." Farfarello added.

**I can still hear you.** Dana thought at them.

Farfarello shuddered. "New voice."

Schuldig sat down on the couch and turned on the TV. Then a thought struck him. "Where the hell is fearless leader? Shouldn't he be in here putting distance between you and Curt Schilling?"

"Curtina. And I have no idea. That's why I'm bonding with her. She really is a lovely hamster."

"It's a boy. And he's getting fat. Crawfoo's got to lay off the hamster treats." Schuldig noted.

"That's because it's such a stressful environment here. She's been eating compulsively. You should know a thing or two about that-"

"I'll fucking kill you!"

"Somebody's on his man period." Farf said, sticking out his tongue at Schuldig. Schuldig grabbed his tongue and pulled. Farf waved his hands in objection.

"It might not be painful but it can't be pleasant!" Schuldig growled.

"Eh lhey eh bweh!" Farf cried. Curt Schilling cowered and ran off to hide under the sofa.

It was then that the door opened and a very surly looking Brad Crawford entered the penthouse.

"Dare I hope this is all you've been doing in the time I left you unsupervised?" He asked.

"Farf had a splinter in his tongue. I was helping him." Schuldig lied half heartedly, releasing his hold on Farfarello. "Farf, you gotta stop licking the floors. Lemony scent, though refreshing, does not mean it will taste like lemon."

"Nagi's gone. We got the bathroom back!" Farf announced. "I can finally pee standing up again."

"Where did Nag- what?" Crawford asked.

"The opossums scare me." Farfarello explained. Schuldig and Crawford stared at him for a minute, then decided it was best to move on.

"What were you saying?" Schuldig asked.

"Where did Nagi go?" Crawford asked.

"Nnn…Weiss." Farf guessed.

"School." Schuldig said.

"Hospital." Farf added.

"Library."

"Circus."

"Orphanage."

"Apple." Farf said. Schuldig raised an eyebrow. "I thought it was that word game."

"Ah. So he's unaccounted for. Lovely. We've got an inspection in a half hour and we're short a teammate. That will go over swimmingly." Crawford said sarcastically.

"An inspection eh?" Schuldig asked. "I heard about no inspection."

"Well it's not customary for them to give us much notice." Crawford noted.

"It's like they don't trust us. How can they not trust an elite team like Schwartz?" Schuldig demanded.

"Farf! What the hell did you do to the garbage disposal?" Crawford yelled, upon entering the kitchen.

"It threatened my people." Farf muttered lamely.

"And the ketchup?" Schuldig asked.

"The blood of my people. We shall have freedom!" Farf shouted.

MEANWHILE

"Aya…I think I got a burn." Ken whined.

Aya smiled, and Ken was scared.

"I just happen to have a container of burn ointment here." He said, attempting to sound nice.

Ken smiled hopefully. He was still nervous, as this nice Aya was new territory for him, but he was also cautiously optimistic. "Okay Aya. Can I have the ointment?"

"Sure. Just tell me how you did it first." Aya said, still sounding pleasant."

"Oh that's easy. I gave you the really hot chocolate. And I trusted you. That's how I got burned." Ken explained.

"No. Tell me how you aced the IQ test. How did you cheat?" Aya asked, some of the forced niceness dropping from his voice.

"Are you accusing me of cheating?" Ken asked.

"Yes. Now how did you do it?" Aya demanded.

"I am offended sir. Get out of my room." Ken said, turning his back to Aya.

"It's my room!"

"Oh, good. Washing these sheets would be murder. You know chocolate doesn't come out." Ken babbled.

"Neither does blood. How did you ace the damn test!" Aya roared.

"I want to go home." Ken eeped.

"Answer me."

"What test? What are you talking about?" Ken cried.

Aya paused. His eyes widened. "The-the IQ test. It was on the scan-tron sheet. The multiple choice…multiple choice…wait…"

"Oh, I thought we were coloring. I was playing leap frog with the dots." Ken explained. "Aya, are you okay?"

Aya was laughing.

"Aya? Aya, are you okay?" Ken asked.

"Yes…yes I'm fine. You know, our bosses think you're a genius Ken." Aya started.

"Kay. Can I have that ointment now?"

"I mean, they think you're really smart. They've been studying your techniques. They want to teach them to their other assassins." Aya continued.

"It's really starting to hurt Aya…"

"They think that thing with the newspaper is a brilliant decoy…"

"It's all red…and it's irritated." Ken whined.

Aya started laughing again, while Ken started crying.

IN THE MISSION ROOM…

Yohji sat on the couch, staring at his hands. He still hadn't recovered the use of his voice, and instead of working to correct the problem, he was stewing in his misery. 'Maybe if I had pounded the keypad…but no, he probably wouldn't have liked that. Maybe I could have slammed the phone against the wall and he would have thought I was being attacked. I could have used Morse code. I don't know Morse code! Years of my life, wasted!'

His circular thoughts were interrupted by the phone ringing. He let it go for seven rings before he realized no one else was going to get it and reluctantly picked up the receiver.

A tape recording started from the other line.

"Weiss, this message will not repeat so listen carefully. You have a reconnaissance mission which will factor heavily into this year's Christmas bonus. Go to the old abandoned mill where you will find an underground organ theft operation in full swing. We have reason to believe the son of the kidney doctor you…denied tomorrow to, god that sounds stupid Persia. Can't you get someone to write this for you so I don't have to sound like an idiot? What do you mean what do you pay me for? Oh, well anyway get some dirt on him and get back to us or you get no bonus. Happy Christmas. And a merry Hanukah."

Yohji glared at the phone as the message ran out. He would have growled under his breath if he were capable as he grabbed his coat and headed out on the mission alone, unable to talk.

TBC, hopefully in a timely manner. Sorry about the delay folks!


	14. A Dirge to Classical Music Everywhere

"Is he going to die?" Omi whimpered. 

"I believe we have found the problem. Your brother is having an allergic reaction." Mimura-san announced, looking very pleased with himself.

"You didn't answer my question." Omi pointed out. "And I could tell that. He stopped breathing after he ate the rose petal pudding. Although I suppose he could have been choking."

"Technically he was choking. His throat did swell shut." Mimura-san noted.

Omi gasped and started whimpering again. "Is there anything you can do about this?"

"Oh goodness no, I'm not qualified for anything like that. I'm just an aid. You'll have to talk to his doctor. Ichi-sensei will be by shortly, but first you need to fill out these forms."

"I'm going to fill out forms while my boyfr-er…my brother dies. Can I at least see him?" Omi asked.

"Heavens no. We can't actually treat him until you fill out these forms. In duplicate. You see, this hospital has been issued so many malpractice suits as of late we're in debt up to our ears, so we've been advised against treating patients until they waive certain…rights." Mimura-san explained.

"'If patient dies from rubber glove left in chest cavity, the undersigned promises not to sue'." Omi read aloud.

"You'd be surprised what can happen with these interns. I saw someone accidentally sew someone to the bed when they were trying to sew them shut. Everyone had a good laugh. Well, not the lawyers at least." Mimura said.

"What's this about the doctor sewing his initials onto the patient?" Omi asked.

"That went out of style ages ago. Honestly, those lawyers are a bunch of killjoys. We could sew his girlfriend's name into him if you'd like. Just initial there-" Mimura said, pointing to a spot on the form Omi was holding.

"No! Just treat him!" Omi squeaked, thrusting his hastily finished form back at the aid.

"Right. I'll zip these on over to the office and we'll have him breathing again in no time." Mimura said cheerfully. "Unless he's already dead. Which, since you signed, we're not responsible for."

Omi glared as he left the waiting room, then muttered to himself. "Note to self, ask Persia to look into possible dark beast status of Magic Bus Hospital."

Meanwhile at da Schwarz House

"Where the fuck is Nagi?" Crawford cursed loudly. "Farf, did you fix the bathroom? They can't know Nagi was living out of it."

"It still smells like bad milk." Farfarello informed Crawford. "Should I wear my normal work clothes, or my straight jacket? I don't know if you want me to play up my crazy or just go silent and glare."

"Eh, go with the mood. Remember, we need the extra money that's supposed to be going to your prescriptions." Crawford muttered.

"But I still get my prescription drugs. D-don't I?" Farfarello asked.

"Yes." Crawford said, but it was far from comforting. "Oh what's the difference where they come from so long as they work?"

"You're not giving me that Chinese crap, are you?" Farfarello asked in a panic.

"I can honestly say no." Crawford answered levelly. 'Taiwan.' He thought to himself. "Now take Curt Schilling over to Grau's hotel room. We don't need another puppy-spy fiasco. Where's Schuldig?"

"He's looking for Nagi." Farfarello answered. "If he finds Nagi before I finish packing this shit up, can you make Nagi carry it? Telekinesis would really help. Your hamster has more possessions than anyone else in this house. Especially since you took away my knives. By the by, I am an assassin. How, pray tell, am I to assassinate without knives?"

"Eh. Be creative. Now get on your way, I need to disinfect Schuldig's second bedroom." Crawford said, hoisting a gallon of bleach into the second bedroom.

"Found him!" Schuldig announced, flinging open the front door. He plopped himself onto the sofa and started channel surfing.

"That is not Nagi." Crawford said in an even tone as he poked his head out of Schuldig's second bedroom door.

"Pigtails are a dead giveaway." Farfarello pointed out. "Nagi has never worn his pigtails like that."

"Nagi doesn't wear pigtails!" Crawford yelled.

"Where's my candy?" The little girl asked, sitting down next to Schuldig.

"Um…the guy with glasses has your candy." Schuldig said.

The little girl walked over to Crawford. "Where's my candy? The clown promised me candy."

"C'mon neo-Nagi. We gotta drag this crap over to Grau." Farfarello said, depositing a bag of hamster toys into the little girl's arms.

"Will I get more candy if I help?" She asked.

"Sure. We can stop at the store on the way back. I'll get you a slush." Farfarello said cheerfully.

"Yay!" The little girl cheered as the two left the apartment.

"Will this work?" Crawford asked, looking desperate.

"You're the precog." Schuldig answered.

"I'm pretty sure they have it in their records that Nagi's a boy." Crawford muttered.

"So we cut her hair. I think she'd do it for an ice-cream. Besides, the guys inspecting us aren't Japanese, are they?" Schuldig asked.

"No. So…"

"So us Westerners can't tell the difference between Japanese people until we've been firmly immersed. Remember when we first got Nagi? Remember Brad? Remember when I lost him and brought home that fat kid, and it actually was an accident?" Schuldig asked.

"It took me two days to notice. And that kid could have eaten Nagi." Crawford muttered.

"Could have eaten ten Nagis. So we cut her hair and pop her in Nagi's clothes. Oh, and hope they don't ask her too many questions."

"Or ask her to move something with her mind." Crawford pointed out.

"Farf and I can distract them. You know how we are at attracting attention. For once it will be a good thing." Schuldig said. "Just relax, will you?"

"I can't relax! This is our funding we're talking about. You know we aren't working with this Takatori clown for much longer, and once we don't have his penthouse and money to fund us, what do you think's going to happen? I'm not going back to the outhouse life."

"You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself." Schuldig noted. "You're going to get an ulcer. Just stop cleaning things. If it's too nice then they're going to think we're set for money."

"But if it's too crappy they won't think we're worth investing in. It's a tightrope between shitty and swanky."

"So shanky?" Schuldig asked.

"Just understand that this is important and please don't mess it up. If we blow another inspection they might…Schuldig they might send us back you know where for retraining." Crawford said hesitantly.

"I'd die before going back there!" Schuldig shouted, jumping to his feet in alarm. "I had my incisor hollowed out, and I've got a pill in there in case they ever take me back to the hap-happiest place on Earth. I can swallow it and die instantly. I almost broke and used it in Disneyland."

"Calm down, you're going to hyperventilate again. If all goes well that won't have to happen. Just don't screw…" Crawford's eyes unfocused suddenly and Schuldig could tell he was getting a vision. After it passed, Crawford's eyes widened. He calmly walked over to the table and unplugged the phone.

ELSEWHERE

Yohji was lying in the rafters of the old abandoned mill, a video camera lying next to him. The group below him was doing all his work for him by going through their evil plan step by step in extreme amounts of detail. This allowed him the chance to space out and examine his thoughts.

Fucking Aya. If Aya didn't swing a sword like a golf club, he have been able to tell Schuldig something, anything. If he was quick enough, he could even have skated around the topic.

But now he wasn't going to get that chance, because the next time Schuldig saw him he would be dead. Not just dead, but dead and mangled. From pliers.

'Not only did I piss off an assassin, but a telepathic assassin with an insane Irish friend who revels in inflicting pain on others. They'll dissect me then kill me. No, they'll do something embarrassing first so I can suffer on multiple levels.'

At some point his ability to speak would come back though. What would he say? He needed it to be good…and quick, as he'd probably only get about three seconds to say it.

'Should I waste precious seconds with apologizing? Maybe I could have Omi go in first and soften them up. They like Omi…he made them fudge. Omi never made me fudge, not that I like fudge or anyth- back to the point! Or I could lie…yes! That's the ticket, lie to the… telepath. That'll work well.' Yohji rubbed his temples.

'Okay, Schuldig…I know that you love me but…I'm straight. Which is why I slept with you twice. And then another time. Well I was drunk the first time, and he was drunk the second time. That doesn't help me at all. Damn.'

Yohji paused for a second, tapping his fingers on his arm. 'I love you like a friend…with benefits. No, he'd definitely kill me for that one. Okay…I love him like…like…like I like cats. But I don't really like cats that much. I'm just in it for the sex. No, anyone would kill me for saying that. Come on man. Think of a way to break this off!'

Then something started forming in Yohji's mind. A crazy thought. Did he really want to break this off?

Yes. Yes he did. Schuldig was insanely annoying and being around him tended to make Yohji feel like an asshole. Although he was fun to pick on…Yohji liked trying to see if he could make Schuldig's face match his hair when he got him going. And the sex was great, no complaints there. And Schuldig's cuddle mechanism was absolutely adorable. And the way he got all embarrassed whenever he did something…human. Like the Christmas present. It was both thoughtful and somewhat invasive.

He did want to keep Schuldig close…as a friend. Or did he? Maybe he did like him…well what did he love? 'I love soup.' Yohji thought to himself. 'And I love chocolate. And those little plastic swords you get in your drinks. And I love sex. Sex. Schuldig. I love sex with Schuldig. I love Schuldig.'

…

'I love Schuldig.'

'Schuldig. Schuldig loves me.'

"I LOVE YOU TOO!" Yohji yelled, finally recovering his voice and realizing something he should have noticed a long time ago.

"Gee thanks, that was sweet. And thanks for giving away your position. And thanks for killing my dad you dumb Weiss assassin." Kidney doctor jr. said pleasantly, aiming a gun at Yohji's head.

"Shit."

"You know Weiss, I do believe this windmill is on a nonstop track to hell."

"Jesus that sounds corny. We gotta stop using that." Yohji muttered. "Manx needs to hire a writer."

MEANWHILE

"Hmm. This place is absolutely shanky." The inspector, a middle aged American noted.

"Told you it was a word." Schuldig gloated to Crawford.

"Can it." Crawford muttered out of the corner of his mouth.

"Now, where are the other two?" The other inspector, a Russian woman, asked.

"Others? What others? Crawford, you've been keeping something from me, haven't you!" Schuldig mock-accused.

"I believe there is supposed to be a…telekinetic and a young Irish…what's his power anyway?" The American asked.

"He doesn't feel pain." Crawford answered.

"Jesus that's lame." The woman noticed. "He can't, like blow up buildings or anything?"

"He enjoys blowing up buildings with the proper equipment." Schuldig explained. The two inspectors frowned and started scribbling on their notepads. Crawford shot Schuldig a death glare.

"Back! I'll be in the shower." Farfarello announced, walking hurriedly through the room.

"Why are you covered in blood Mr…Jei?" The man asked, glancing at his clipboard.

"Extra credit?" Farfarello supplied, glancing at Crawford who was waving his arms and shaking his head. "Splinter. It was a really bad one."

"Ah." They both said, then continued to scribble furiously.

"You must be Nagi." The American said pleasantly to the little girl.

Thankfully, Farf had given her a haircut and a change of clothes. She was contentedly sipping a large slush puppy.

"Whatever." She answered. "Do you have candy"  
"Quite a sweet tooth he's got there." The American said affectionately. "I hope my Japanese is up to par. Ko-ni…cheewa."

"Gesundheit." The little girl said. "Ba-ka nin-gen…deska."

"He's sweet." The American gushed. The Russian lady rolled her eyes.

"I'm going to have a look around. Jenkins, interview the team." The Russian lady ordered. As soon as she was out of earshot, Jenkins turned to 'Nagi'.

"Hey kid, why does Snoop dogg carry around an umbrella?"

"What's a snoop dog?" The girl asked.

"Fo drizzle."

"Please stop talking to me."

"Isn't he just adorable?" Jenkins asked.

"Sure. Like a stomach pump." Schuldig answered. Jenkins frowned, then scribbled some more. Crawford elbowed Schuldig. "A stomach pump of love and happy!"

Jenkins considered. "You are an odd man." He turned to Crawford. "Are you sure this child should be exposed to him?"

"He's just eccentric. Oh look! The crazy Irishman is wearing a straight jacket! Look! He's doing something crazy!" Crawford yelled, pointing.

Farf was sitting in a corner humming to himself. "What? Oh, right. Blah-de-blah-deblah!" Farf yelled, waving his arms frantically. Or, as frantically as possible in the straightjacket. "I'm crazy and we need more money to sedate me! But I'm not so crazy I can't attack the right target! Blehblehbleh! Cows toaster president!"

"Poor wretch. But what can you do? Runs in the blood I suppose." Jenkins muttered. "My grandfather was Irish. Total lunatic. Kept talking about how the nurse was stealing his money and his fruit cup. Poor fella."

"Hey! Don't you talk shite about my country! Ah kee you! Ah kee you good!" Farf yelled, lunging for Jenkins. Schuldig and Crawford dove forward to restrain him.

"Poor, poor wretch." Jenkins muttered, scribbling some more.

"Well I've inspected the rooms. Everything seems up to scratch except for that odd smell coming from the bathroom. I'd get that checked out. Can't be healthy."

"We think something may have gotten stuck in the walls and died." Crawford lied.

"Yeah, Nagi's laptop." Schuldig muttered, before being kicked in the shins.

"I'll need to see a demonstration of your powers now." The lady said.

Crawford paled.

"Got this covered." Farf said happily, wriggling out of his straight jacket. He waved his hands to indicate a collection of knives he'd laid out on the table (with special permission from Crawford).

"This one's my favorite. I named her SuEllen. She's swell." Farf gushed.

A few minutes later…

"We believe you! We believe you! Just stop!" The two inspectors begged.

"You're no fun anymore." Farf complained. "Whoa. I'm getting dizzy."

"I'll get the first aid kit." Schuldig volunteered.

"Wait, Nagi's got to do his thing first. It's amazing. He takes the knives, right, with his mind? We worked out this whole act ourselves, it's great! First, he slides them through my abdomen, just missing all my vital organs. Then the fun begins, he twists them just right so you can see-"

"That won't be necessary. We have it on file that Nagi is a telekinetic. We would like to see a vision from Mr. Crawford if we could though. Go on, predict something." Jenkins said.

"Does it work like that?" The Russian lady asked curiously.

"Gimme a second." Crawford muttered. His eyes unfocused and refocused quickly. "Nagi's going to get his stomach pumped…"

Jenkins smacked the slush out of the girl's hand, and she promptly burst into tears.

"Wait…something else just came. The cowboy's going to be dissected." Crawford said.

Schuldig's eyes widened. "What! Where! Details man, give me details!"

Everyone stared at him, startled at the outburst.  
"Not that I care or anything…he owes me money." Schuldig said lamely.

"Who is this cowboy exactly?" The Russian lady asked.

"Er…" Crawford thought it would be less than prudent to say one of their rival assassins. 'Quick man, think. What gets dissected.' "Frog. From…Nagi's school."

"The frog owes you money?" Jenkins asked Schuldig. But Schuldig wasn't paying attention.

"So, he's going to survive the dissection, right?" Schuldig asked, sounding near hysterical.

"I don't know, I can't pick what I see!" Crawford snapped.

"Most frogs don't survive." Jenkins said gently, patting Schuldig's arm. "If memory serves, they're usually dead before they get dissected."

"I need to go." Schuldig said suddenly, heading towards the door.

"Excuse me, but this inspection is far from finished." The lady snapped.

"Yeah well. Yeah." Schuldig said, before slamming the door behind him.

The lady eyed Crawford darkly, before underlining something on her clipboard.

"It's against his religion, dissection." Crawford said lamely. "He really likes that frog."

MEANWHILE

"So…I'm allergic to flowers?" Nagi asked weakly. "That's good to know I suppose. Glad we found that out before something serious happened."

"You don't think having your throat swell up and needing your stomach pumped was serious!" Omi squeaked.

"I've been through worse." Nagi answered truthfully.

He was lying in bed looking very pale and clammy, but otherwise fine. Omi, on the other hand, was a disheveled wreck. He'd gone through a box and a half of tissues. His face was red and blotchy from crying, and he'd vowed never to make rose pudding again.

"Nagi I almost lost you!" Omi squeaked before hugging Nagi fiercely.

"Omi I'm fine, I…I'm getting short of breath again. Omi!" Nagi gasped. Omi let him go, and he coughed a bit before returning to normal. Omi frowned. He leaned in close to Nagi, who started wheezing, then backed away and Nagi was fine again.

Wheezing.

Fine.

Wheezing.

Fine.

"Oh my God you're allergic to me!" Omi wailed.

"Omi no! It's something else, it's got to be! It's…wait a minute, you're a florist! I'm allergic to flowers Omi." Nagi realized.

"But it's never been a problem before." Omi sobbed.

Then he remembered something. That morning Aya had been grumbling something about the pollen making his eyes red and itchy.

"It's the season. Oh Nagi, what are we going to do? You're going to have to dump me for the next few months." Omi whimpered.

"Oh, because that's the most logical solution!" Nagi snapped. "Just hop in the shower after work. That should do it."

"Right."

ELSEWHERE

"Alright Yuki, what do we need?" Kidney doctor jr. asked. He'd knocked Yohji out and sliced him open. They would torture and kill him after they harvested anything they needed. He was a doctor after all.

"We need a lung." Yuki said, reading off a list.

"Alrighty…let me see here…Jesus! We can't use either of these things. Our clients will demand their money back."

"Fine, then sew him back up." Yuki said.

"But I made a perfect cut already. It would be such a waste. We've got a spare lung lying around, let me do a transplant."

"Why? I thought you hated this man."

"For shits and giggles. It's been awhile." The doctor said. "Besides, I want to see if he'll survive. I've never done a transplant on a non-cadaver before."

…

"Alright, what now?" The doctor asked.

"Liver. We need a liver." Yuki read off.

"Holy shit. That thing's the size of a basketball! That's gotta go!"

"Hattori, are you trying to save this man or kill him? I mean, I could understand the lung thing. We had an extra male lung lying around, our client wanted adolescent female lungs, but this is too much. We need that liver for Madam Methuen."

"Come on…I feel like this is a mission. Hum some mission music for me Yuki."

"Dum dee dum…we're gonna lose our jobs…dum dee dum…you're a crazy nut…dum dum…I'm sleeping with your wife…ba bum-"

"What was that last part?"

"Nothing, here's the liver."

LATER

Yohji woke up slowly with an odd ache in his side. Somehow he felt much better, despite the ache and an odd nauseous feeling. His breathing was nice, he felt like he'd just recovered from a bad cold and was finally breathing right. And for some reason, his liver was excellent.

'Hmm…didn't know I could feel my liver.'

"You must feel twelve pounds lighter. _Jesus_, that thing was huge." Schuldig snapped.

"Schuldig?" Yohji blinked stupidly, then noticed his surroundings. He was in a bedroom, his abdomen was bandaged up and felt quite tender. Schuldig was sitting on a chair pulled up next to the bed, looking grouchy yet also concerned. "You look like crap."

"Well you slept in my bed last night. That's what you look like when you get fifteen minutes of sleep in a damned uncomfortable chair." Schuldig snapped.

"I'm sorry."

"The chair wasn't that bad-"

"No, I mean about before…see, I couldn't talk because Aya almost castrated me with a chocolate covered katana. So when Omi handed me the phone-"

"That is a terrible lie." Schuldig said, cutting him off.

"I'm not lying! For this one time only, I give you permission to read my mind. That's what happened, really!" Yohji insisted.

"Your mind is a terrifying place. I've no intention of going back there." Schuldig scowled.

"So then you'll believe me?" Yohji asked.

Schuldig glared at him.

"Er…thanks for…rescuing me from the kidney doctor." Yohji said awkwardly. "And sitting up with me…"

"Yeah well…yeah. I was planning on staying up all night and getting a cramp in my back anyway. It was just convenient for me. Now get out of my damn bed." Schuldig said, avoiding looking at Yohji.

'Say it.' Yohji snapped at himself. 'Say it now.'

"Schuldig…"

"Please, just go."

"But…but-"

"Get out or I will castrate you. I am damn tired." Schuldig said forcefully, looking at a spot just above Yohji's head.

"O-okay. See you around then."

**END**

Epilogue

Beep

"You have seventeen new messages."

Crawford frowned, expecting only the worst from his voicemail.

"Message one. Hello, this is Takatori. I was just calling because my daughter thought she heard voices outside her window. She's staying the night here, and she'd feel better if someone checked it out. Beep"

"Message two. Takatori again. Saw some men outside. Probably nothing serious, but still. Wouldn't mind you looking into it. You are supposed to be my bodyguards after all. Beep"

"Message three. Alright, this isn't funny anymore. Pick up the damn phone! You are supposed to be working for me! Ouka's sure she heard something this time. Beep"

Crawford frowned. He skipped several of the messages.

"Message nine. Takatori again. There are men at the door. They're tinkering with something and…(BOOM!) Dear lord! They've blasted the damn thing open-Beep"

"Message ten. We've barricaded ourselves in my office. Get your asses over here now and kill these psychos. They're scaring my angel. If anything happens to her I will personally see to your dea-no! They've found us! Beep"

Slightly alarmed, Crawford skipped ahead again.

"Message fourteen. We're in the closet now. We got my hunting rifle. I swear by everything that is sacred you will die if you do not help us. Beep"

"Message fifteen. We've made it outside! I gave Ouka the gun and had her run for help. Look for me on the grounds. Beep"

"Message sixteen. I've been wounded! I need medical attention! Answer your goddamn phone for crissakes! Beep"

"Message seventeen. Lord, if I survive this ordeal I swear I will donate fifty…twelve…five percent of my net worth to the church. He-e-e-e-e-lp…Beep"

Crawford hung up the phone, then went to look for his coat.

Authors' Note: Once again, the End is a misleading sort of thing. Fourteen chapters are quite a lot. We'll be continuing this series under a new fic heading. Happy something people!

_**eMu & Chikin**_


	15. Ludicrously Late

"You said you wouldn't do this again."

"I did not."

"You SO did!"

"I SO did not!"

"Does it really matter if she said she wouldn't do this again? Because clearly we're doing it again either way." Yohji pointed out.

Once again the cast of the Malarkeys and Mayhem Weiss ficcie universe were gathered in a cafeteria for a staff meeting with their benevolent Goddesses, eMu and Chikin. Everyone was looking a little gaunt, after almost a year without being used, but otherwise like their typical selves: grouchy.

"Well the reviewers didn't seem to have a problem with the staff meetings, and I thought it'd be a good way to introduce the new fic segment." eMu explained.

Chikin coughed in a way that sounded oddly like 'fill up space.'

"It's the first chapter. How can you label this filler?!" eMu snapped.

"Look! Almost a whole page…of nothing!" Chikin waved her arm for emphasis. "So how have you all been doing? It's been awhile since we've seen you."

This statement was met with glares.

"My back's out. It got a little messed up since I've been living in a bathroom for the past year!" Nagi yelled.

"Oh yeah. We never really resolved that, did we?" eMu muttered.

"David Bowie. I resolved it." Chikin stated.

"Saying David Bowie doesn't fix it!" Nagi yelled.

"David Bowie is a fail-safe, a fool proof plan if you will. He is the answer to any question you will ever have. Try me." Chikin said confidently.

"Two times two." Schuldig said.

"David Bowie."

"World hunger." Aya said.

"David Bowie."

"My God she's right. She's a genius!"

"Shut up Ken." Aya snapped.

"But my back still hurts…" Nagi whined.

"Want for me to walk on it?" Chikin offered.

"I don't want your fat Irish feet on my back." Nagi answered angrily. Farf jumped up from the table, looking menacing. "I wasn't talking to you!"

"Are my feet really fat?" Chikin asked, tipping over dangerously as she tried to inspect them.

"Is there any particular reason we're here?" Crawford asked.

"I…I don't know. Damn, these things used to write themselves. Maybe we should retire the characters." eMu thought to herself. The Weisslings and Schwarzlings began to fade away, and became very panicked about this.

"eMu!" Chikin squealed. "No!"

And they blinked back into existence. Farf pulled off his boot and hucked it at eMu's head.

"So…did you have a point to this staff meeting eMu?" Chikin asked.

"I…sure. Let's discuss what we want to get done in this next fic." eMu decided.

"My car could use a tune up." Aya offered.

"We need another bathroom." Omi pointed out. "Four guys sharing one bathroom isn't working out so well."

"And while you're at it you could liberate us from Esset." Crawford added.

"Holiday to the Vatican!" Farfarello yelled, waving his hand. "I need to meet this new pope and ask him what he was thinking when he got rid of Purgatory."

"I want Grau to go away. We've already got Shrient, that's enough." Nagi said.

"Well what if we got rid of Shrient?" Chikin asked. "They haven't really been in the fic thus far."

"Yes, why did you eliminate all the females from this universe anyway?" Yohji asked. "I mean, except two."

"One." Chikin corrected.

"No, two. There's Ouka and Manx."

Nagi raised his hand. "And from when I was masquerading as Omi I know for a fact Ouka's a girl. 'Hold me Omi, I'm scared.'"

"You do a wonderful Ouka impression. And a terrible Omi one." eMu said.

"Wait, wait so Ouka's a girl and so is Manx. That's two!" Yohji insisted.

eMu and Chikin snickered.

Yohji's face fell, whilst Schuldig started laughing.

"But, but that time at the Christmas party! She has breasts!" Yohji yelped.

"Oh holy Christ Kudoh. Did you see her hair? And the makeup?" Aya asked.

"And the lack of pants." Chikin added. "How could you not think that was a transvestite."

"She's almost a girl." eMu said consolingly.

"Just one snip away from perfection." Chikin added.

There was a collective shudder from the male assassins.

"I'm creeped out. Can we just start the fic?" Yohji asked.

"Sure. Chikin…" eMu asked.

"David Bowie."

3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

Author's Notes: That nifty little intro was written about two years ago…sorry about that. A lot of things have happened, here's a brief run down of the changes made:

Nagi no longer lives in the bathroom. Turns out Curt Schilling the hamster was actually a girl, and has been renamed Curtina. They found this out when Curtina gave birth. Crawfoo moved the cage into his room to both keep an eye on the newborns and keep them safe from a Schuldig who was insanely curious about how to make mommy hamsters eat their babies. In the process a bedroom was freed up and since Schuldig couldn't possibly maintain three bedrooms it was given to Nagi. And by that we mean Nagi forced Schuldig out of the third room and took it.

Obviously Nagi survived his allergic reaction to rose petal pudding. He now carries an epi-pen.

Grau were finally given the funds from Esset to return to Greenland. They keep in touch with Schwarz (except Dante who is grumpy about not getting to kill his brother).

3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

Showing her perfect sense of timing, Manx knocked on the steel shutters of the Koneko just as they were being pulled down. She waited for them to pop back up, a manila mission folder in one hand, the other one fluffing her hideous curls. And waited.

Then she heard a loud thud.

"Ow! Aya, not in the face! That's not what the broom is for! Ow!"

Puzzled, Manx knocked again, but the continued thudding and wailing indicated the Weiss couldn't hear her.

After hearing a loud crash and lots of broken pottery she pulled out a cell phone and dialed the store number.

"Moshi moshi!" Omi greeted cheerfully. "We're actually closed right now and-wait a minute Aya-kun, I don't think Ken-kun's arm is supposed to bend that way!"

"Omi! What is it? Are you being attacked? Is it Schwarz?" Manx asked.

"No, we're just closing the store. Hi Manx! Are you outside?" He asked sweetly. "I'll get the shutters…actually if you can wait like fifteen minutes, that might be better. There's a lot of broken ceramic pieces on the floor. Aya stop it, we have company!"

After another minute or so Ken opened the steel shutters enough for Manx to squeeze in, although it took a little longer for him to lock them up than normal, since two of his fingers looked either sprained or broken.

"Did you hurt yourself playing soccer Hidaka?" Manx inquired.

"Sure. Always do!" Ken said brightly. "At least that's what Aya says."

"Did you guys have an accident?" Manx asked, noticing Yohji sweeping up pieces of pottery with his head down and positioned away from Aya.

"I had an accident." Ken nodded.

"What happened?"

"I accidentally spritzed Aya with the glitter spray. Then I had a lot of accidents right in a row." Ken answered.

Manx finally turned to regard Aya, who was covered with pink glitter from the shoulders up and looked murderous about it.

"Right…well I have a mission tape if you want to head down to the…I'm sorry but, really, is everything alright? It sounded like a battle in here."

No one answered. Everyone kept their eyes on their work as they continued closing the store.

"Omi, can I talk to you in private for a second?" Manx asked politely. Omi turned his gaze to Aya, looking scared and confused. "Omi, I asked you a question!"

Aya nodded.

"Okey dokey pokey okey! C'mon Manx, I have some gingersnaps in the kitchen we can have while we chat." He walked very quickly out of the shop and into the kitchen. Manx followed, shaking her head.

As soon as the two were gone Yohji put the broom down and sidled over to the door.

"What are they saying?" Ken asked loudly. Aya thumped him on the side of the head. "Ow!"

"Manx just asked why there's a helmet in the kitchen." Yohji whispered.

"What'd he say?" Aya asked.

"He said Ken likes to motorcycle." Yohji answered, shaking his head sadly.

"Ooo! Good cover. Omi's smart." Ken said with a nod.

"Now he's laughing nervously…" Yohji continued.

Omi's awkward laugh echoed into the quiet shop. "Ah hah…have a cookie!"

"No thank you Bombay. So, what do you think of Abyssinian's disciplinary habits?"

"They are fair and…without bias." Omi listed off.

"That's kind of odd. That's word for word what it says on the evaluation you filled out…and Balinese's…and, well I think Siberian meant bias. Bast doesn't sound quite right. You boys didn't fill these out together, did you?"

Omi laughed again, and it was clearly a stall. "That's…that's exactly what we did! Because we, we do everything together! Like a family. Like brothers! Like, like a family of brothers!"

"I don't think she's buying it." Yohji muttered.

"I'm not buying it. He should be reading the note cards." Aya snapped.

"It's kinda hard, they're taped under the table." Ken pointed out.

"Yeah Aya, how do you suggest sneaking that into conversation? Oops, dropped my fork?" Yohji snapped.

"Oops! Dropped my cookie! Actually, to answer your question, I find his approach to be very carefully thought out and always respectful towards his fellow teammates. Does that help?"

Yohji smacked a hand to his forehead.

"What are you so worried about Aya?" Ken asked. "You're a great team leader."

"Yeah, you know, all of our stunning victories send a great message about your leadership skills. We've totally handled that Schwarz problem." Yohji hissed.

"Oh no he dihn't…"

"Shut up Ken. And I thought that if anyone knew about handling Schwarz it was-"

"Oh, that's mature!" Yohji snapped.

"I get it! It's a gay joke right? Burn!"

"Shut it Ken!" Aya yelled.

"Is everything alright in there?" Manx asked.

"Peachy!" The assassins all answered in voices of forced cheerfulness. Ken even wrapped Aya in a half-hug, something he regretted when Manx's attention was back on Omi and Aya twisted his arm around his back.

"Ow-ow! Bad touch!" Ken whimpered.

"Aya I thought you were trying to look like less of a crazy bastard-eep! I mean, by all means, keep going. I'll just sweep up this mess over here." Yohji answered, edging away.

"What is going on in here?!" Manx screeched from the doorway.

"Yoga." Aya answered quickly.

"Stretching! For soccer! There, there's that crack. You can let go now Aya, thanks for helping out. Pal." Ken's smile looked oddly like a grimace.

"Siberian, are you crying?"

Later

"So did the Weiss accept the mission?" Persia asked.

"I didn't give them the mission." Manx answered in a curt tone.

Persia looked concerned. "Were you intercepted?"

"No, no." She dropped the folder in front of him on his desk. "They're not ready for it."

"What do you mean? There weren't any injuries on the last mission. Actually, they seem to be improving greatly when it comes to battling the Schwarz, I can't remember the last time one of them got injured on a mission against them."

Manx rolled her eyes.

"They need to work on their teamwork." She explained. "I think you should consider replacing the team leader."

"With who? Bombay's bright but I'm not going to make him that much of a target, we've already discussed that. And I know Siberian's intelligence scores were off the charts but I still have a bad feeling about that one…besides we've been overextending him as is with the studies of his methods. And Balinese has never shown that much initiative."

Manx was tapping her foot impatiently. "I'm just not sure Abyssinian is capable of handling that sort of responsibility without being…corrupted. He's on a power trip Persia and he's abusing his teammates!"

And how did her boss respond to her valid concerns? He started laughing. And kept going, clutching his sides and wiping tears from his eyes.

"Oh Christ, that's good. I actually thought there was a real problem for a second. Was that Balinese? Did he put you up to this?"

Manx's scowl indicated she hadn't been joking.

"Oh seriously woman, they're not children. They're assassins! They certainly don't need you coddling them."

"Fine. You know you do tell me to keep an eye on them and report my observations to you when I drop off the missions, but when I have a genuine concern suddenly all I'm good for is getting your coffee and showing my legs."

"Fine, fine! I'll head down to the shop as a customer and check on your complaints. Jesus, you make it sound like you can make a decent cup of coffee." He muttered.


	16. Fun With Candle Wax

"But Nagi-kun…how come you didn't tell me about the baby hamsters? I love babies of all kinds!" Omi squeaked, lower lip pouting.

"I already explained this to you. We were afraid Schuldig would want to see what it looked like when a Mommy hamster ate her babies so we put Curtina in isolation until the babies were old enough to be given away. But if he found out they existed they'd be in danger and you don't have any mental shielding."

"You think I'm inadequate, don't you?"

"Where did that come from? Look, only in this mental capacity-that didn't come out right! Stop looking like you're all…"

"But Nagi-kun! You're implying that you think I can't handle myself when it comes to your teammates-stop laughing! I'm a tough cookie, I can take-oh come on! Stop laughing!"

"You called yourself a cookie." Nagi said with a smirk. "Oh come on, that's cute."

"Remember that conversation we had about compliments? About how using them as an insult isn't okay?" Omi reminded him bitterly.

"Sorry." Nagi said, not sounding very sorry but still condescendingly amused. "It's just, y'know, you being equal…with Schwarz. Can't you see how that's funny? You gotta know where I'm coming from…and you're making the bad face…and you're not gonna stop whining until I apologize even if I don't know what it's for." He trailed off.

"So you're telling me that every time you apologized to me you didn't even know what you were doing and you were just on autopil-"

"Oh God, Omi just stop for a second! Okay, I get that you're upset right now, but you know what, you're just being a big bucket of crazy that I can't handle right now so we're going to step back for a minute and cool down. Come on, step back with me."

Omi threw a plushie doll at his head.

"Hey, those have button eyes! Okay, come on, look at the conversation for a second. For starters, you've been a horrible host today-"

"WHAT?!" Omi squeaked. "I made you fudge!"  
"You always make fudge! And Farf's the one who likes fudge! I only eat it to be polite. It kinda sticks in my throat and makes me sick-"

"I make you sick do I? Fine, see if I ever make you fudge again."

"I don't even understand why you're mad! I should be the one who's mad! I came over here to get some and instead I come here and sit through five episodes of Ceres, the stupidest chick anime I have ever seen! What, is every man in love with her?"

"Is that the only reason you come over here? I thought you wanted to be with me…" Omi sniffed.

"Well yeah, you know with you. What? That's not being with you? It's not as much fun alone."

Less than five minutes later Nagi was thrown bodily from the room and the door was slammed in his face.

Grumbling under his breath, Nagi edged quietly towards the stairs, hoping to exit the Koneko before the gay cowboy could mock him.

He made it down the stairs and into the store part where he almost walked into Shuichi Takatori, who was wearing a baseball hat and sunglasses but was still incredibly recognizable in his tailored suit with his distinctive beard. Nagi took a few steps backwards and fled back into the apartment part of the building before Persia, the Weiss' boss, could recognize him. The Weiss were still completely unaware their orders came from the man, but Schwarz had been clued in a while ago that their temporary boss' brother was pulling their pseudo-enemies' strings. Based on the review Nagi had witnessed (ch. 9 – A/N) he knew it would end extremely badly for his boyfriend if he was seen in the Weiss' house.

He peeked into the shop once he was out of view. 'Shit, he's blocking the exit. And coming this way.' Nagi fled back up the stairs and knocked on Omi's door.

"Omi! Hey, I was being an idiot. You're right and wonderful, like always. I'm a stupid emotionally stunted child. Let me in, let's cuddle."

"I hate you!" Omi squeaked.

Nagi needed a plan. If he lingered in the hallway Persia would see him, and he couldn't exactly explain to the Weiss who the man in the sunglasses was. Omi would think he was just making it up.

"Oh quit being such a girl. Maybe I'd have had more luck if I'd gone to that concert with Tot tonight instead." Nagi suggested.

Omi flung the door open, a look of absolute rage on his face. He had darts raised in one of his hands.

Nagi swiftly dove into the room as the darts whizzed past his head and stuck into the wall behind him. He covered Omi's mouth with his hand, an action that turned out not to be fully necessary as he was mute with rage. Nagi slammed the bedroom door shut with his telekinesis.

"Omi I didn't mean it, ow! Did you bite me?" Nagi asked, pulling his hand away.

"I dunno, could you even feel that? Do you have feelings?" Omi hissed back.

"Yeah, yeah, no feelings, got it…listen, there's something more important going on right now-"

"More important than _us_?" Omi whimpered, eyes going large and watery.

"Well, well no, I mean nothing's more important than that but there are some things that are also important in an almost equal kinda way like…like your job maybe?" He asked hopefully.

"Are you threatening me?" Omi demanded.

"Ah…um…"

Meanwhile Persia was skulking around the apartment attached to the Koneko, looking for some sort of evidence of abuse. Besides an abundance of helmets, which didn't necessarily constitute abuse, he was at a loss.

"Baby plugs in the outlets…" He muttered to himself. "Baby gates…oh shit, one of them isn't hiding a girlfriend and illegitimate child, are they? Possibly Balinese…always had a bad feeling about that one. Maybe an illegal daycare? One can always hope…" He trailed off as he heard some disturbing noises coming from down the hall. He tip toed over to a bedroom door, which was open a crack.

He peeked inside and once he realized what he was looking at beat a hasty retreat. He'd never seen candle wax misused to such an extent in his life.

"Ow! Aya…do you have to put that there?"

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"Well?" Manx asked impatiently.

"I didn't see anything that worries me." At Manx's incredulous stare he felt the need to elaborate. "Hey! What those adult men do behind closed doors is their own business. As long as it's consensual and they keep Bombay out of it, I don't have a problem with it."

"What?" Manx looked confused and also a bit horrified.

"What-what? Well what have you been talking about?"

"He's been abusing his teammates, physically!" Manx screeched, starting to feel frustrated with her apparently thick boss.

"Well I don't think it counts as abuse if they like it, I mean there's a lot of stress in that job and if this is how they want to work it off I don't have a problem with-"

"He broke pots over them and…what are you talking about Shuichi?" Manx asked suddenly.

"It's cheaper than a shrink, isn't it? I mean…" He'd gone red. "Um…I'll go back."

"No, no. I want to make sure we're on the same page here. What did you see?" Manx insisted.

"Candle wax." He shuddered.

"I don't understand-"

"I'm not going into this any further so just take that. But if you're going to keep on me about this abuse thing I suppose we can sign Abyssinian up for some anger management classes or something."

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"You did it on purpose and don't pretend you didn't! I hate you!"

"What? This had nothing to do with you or your fucking hamster. She keeps following me home!" Schuldig yelled defensively. He was laying on the living room sofa with a Bombay kitten stuck to his chest. Try as he might he couldn't extract the thing. And Farfarello was yelling at him while defensively clutching his baby hamster.

"Where did you even get that, that thing!?" Farfarello demanded.

"I told you, it just keeps following me!" Schuldig yelled. "I'm not even nice to it." He started petting her fur the wrong way, which Looney Tunes had taught him was a good way to anger a cat. However the little Bombay kitten started purring.

'Yay! Attention!' The kitten decided.

Schuldig wrinkled his nose in distaste and made a renewed effort to extract the cat, but when he tugged at it, it sank its claws into his t-shirt. "Oh c'mon, I don't wanna rip this one."

"I'm not coming out until you get rid of the cat." Farfarello announced, slamming his bedroom door shut.

"Suit yourself!" Schuldig answered. He reached over to the coffee table and picked up the remote control.

"Are you getting rid of the cat?" Farf asked through the door.

"Nope." Schu picked up a coaster and popped it on the cat's head. "Ooo, it balances." The cat continued to purr. "Where did you come from?" He asked as he placed a soda on the coaster. If he'd been slightly more attentive to the cat beyond assessing that it did in fact exist, he would have noticed the personalized collar and tag the cat was wearing, which was engraved with a happy birthday message from Nagi, from when he'd given the cat to Omi. Her name was Gardenia.

"Now I wonder if this is because of a flat head or if your head is soft because you're a kitten and I'm just making it flat." Schuldig continued stacking things on the kitten's head, and she continued purring, occasionally licking his hand when it came close to her mouth.

"Farfarello I have a mission for…what the hell are you doing Schuldig?" Crawford asked as he entered the room.

Schuldig was tempted to shrug but at this point he didn't want to upset the kitten's balance. "Stacking things on Hazel's head."

"Hazel?"

"She needed a name. And I was watching Looney Tunes. Her name is Witch Hazel, but I think Hazel is more polite." Schuldig explained.

"I think she sucks!" Farf yelled, still in his room.

"Well no one asked you, did they?!" Schuldig yelled back, and the pile of things toppled off the cat. "Damn! Ah well."

"Are you going to pick those up? Never mind. Where's Farfarello?" Crawford asked.

"Dragon's tomb."

"What?"

"That's what he named his bedroom. He thinks I brought home a cat to personally offend him on account of the baby hamster. I didn't, by the way. I keep trying to tell him that I really don't care enough about him to go out looking for a cat to steal, but y'know, he's rather self-centered." Schuldig said. He was absently petting the cat the right way, and then when he noticed he started petting her the other way.

"Get rid of the cat. We have two hamsters, we don't need a cat. Now clean up the living room and get Farf out of his room, he has a mission." Crawford snapped. Schu snorted.

"That's awfully optimistic of you Bradley-chan." He aimed the remote at the TV and flicked to the next cartoon in the DVD set.

Crawford unplugged the DVD player and carried it into his room. When he got back to the living room Schuldig was watching anime. He looked a little annoyed by it, but he was coping. So Crawford pulled the TV away from the wall a bit and started fiddling with the wires.

"You're making the picture all screwy! Hey!" Schuldig threw a soda can at his head. "The trash is off the couch! Does that count as clean?!" He asked as he hucked a Mountain Dew bottle at his leader.

"There." Crawford emerged holding a cable. "Clean the apartment and get Farfarello and you can have this back. Until you do the TV is just a really big and useless paperweight."

"You're sick. And fucking stupid-"

"And I'm the team leader. Start listening to me. I demand respe-stop laughing!"

"You've known me since I was a kid Brad. And you're a precog, you know how this is going to end."

Crawford sighed, because he did know how this was going to end. Sure, it would have been nice if Schuldig had cleaned the apartment, but getting him out of the house for at least a night without him doing anything too illegal (and without suspicion) had its perks too.

After Schuldig left with his cat-stalker in tow Crawford approached Farfarello's door. "Cat's gone."

"You're just saying that!" Farf yelled.

"You can come check if you'd like. And it's not Schuldig talking, it's Crawford. And no, before you ask, Schuldig cannot imitate my voice. And no, this is not Schuldig imitating Crawford imitating Schuldig imitating Crawford's voice."

"Well okay then." Farfarello answered. "But if it really isn't you I'm gonna be mad!"

A small mirror emerged from under the door. Crawford waved at it.

"I guess that's a risk we're going to have to take." He said as the mirror retreated back inside. A moment later the door opened and Farfarello entered, petting his hamster.

"How's Curtina's youngest doing?" Crawford asked.

"Not well. Nerves are shot. I think it would make him feel better if you took Schuldig out for a drive and forgot to bring him back."

"Yeah, that's not happening-"

"Right, right. You said Nagi could kill him. I keep forgetting." Farfarello remembered.

Crawford frowned, uncomfortably aware of the fact his teammates might hold him to that promise one day.

"So what's up?"

"Our boss expects us to work for a living for some odd reason-"

"What's he want us to do, trim his sideburns? Or spike them?" Farfarello asked. "Are they still sideburns, or do you consider them long enough to be chops-"

Crawford snapped in front of Farf's eye. "Focus. You need to go to his son's laboratory and pick up a specimen. Should be in a canister, which I've labeled-"

"What does it sa-"

"You'll know it when you see it. It's in my writing." Crawford explained. "In either case the mission requires you to leave right away. Here's some money for bus fare." He handed Farf an envelope. "Now listen Farfarello, normally I send Nagi on this sort of thing because he's…not you or Schuldig. But Nagi's not here right now so I'm actually counting on you for something important that Esset might kill us over. They want Takatori jr.'s lab work, and it's best if the brat doesn't see you there. Don't let me down Farf."

"I won't let you down Crawfoo!"

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Fifteen minutes later Farfarello was walking out of a gas station convenience store with an Icee and a stack of freshly purchased comic books. He crossed the street for the bus station and reached into his pocket. And pulled out a single yen.

"Shit. That's not gonna take me very far…Okay think. What would Nagi do in this situation…Nagi wouldn't be in this situation. Damn. What would Schuldig do? Mooch off the Weiss!" He snapped his fingers as he said this, and then wailed as he almost dropped the comics.

Farfarello set off cheerfully for the Weiss house, running through possible scenarios for when he got there. "Oh, that's all well and good Farfarello," He started in his Omi voice, which sounded an awful lot like an Irish Mickey Mouse, "but I don't get allowance money. Hm…that is a problem, that singles the chibi out. Well I suppose Schu would go right for the gay cowboy. I'm sure I can get a ride without having to sleep with him."

Meanwhile

"What the hell are you doing here?" Yohji demanded. "I thought you were mad at me!"  
"Eh. Got over it when Crawford pulled out the cable to the TV." Schuldig answered. He was laying on Yohji's bed flipping through a magazine, and the window was open. "Speaking of which, where is the TV? Do you have a real living room or do you just use that Mission room?"

Yohji smacked a hand over his face. "I think Kritiker would have a real problem with you knowing about our Mission room."

"Well you should hide your little ruckus room better then. It's just in the basement, anyone could look through the windows and see it. You think the flower shop fan girls don't know about it? Oh don't worry about it, they think it's just a refurbished basement. You know. Because it is. You guys really went all out on that one."

Yohji scowled as he rooted around in his closet for his work coat. "I'm going out so you can't be here right now. You can leave via the window or the door, like a normal person. I don't really care which."

"Yeah, you're cute. So what kind of cable do you guys have?" Schuldig asked.

"Satellite. Not that it matters because you're leaving."

Schuldig laughed.

"I mean it! We are enemy assassins, you cannot stay at my house while I'm on a mission!" He yelled, flustered.

"Well now you're just giving yourself away. I mean really, what are you asking for? Would you rather me come on the mission with you and sabotage it? Because that's my job, but I just wanted to hang out and watch some car-"

"Fine. There are chips in the pantry, don't drink the diet Pepsi. That's Aya's. That's your final and only warning." Yohji said as he pulled on his coat.

Schuldig frowned. "So…you're really leaving now?"

"I have a job." Yohji muttered. "Just because Schwarz never seems to have to work-"

"Oh that's the most clever thing you could come up with to bait me, was it? Fine. I'll eat your chips by myself then. I guess I'll just leech your body warmth some other time." Schuldig answered.

Yohji scowled as he took off for Aya's car and a fun filled afternoon of driving with someone who'd just come back from his first anger management class.

A/N : I know, I know, we're alive and so is the story:) Very sorry to have stopped writing for so long, but we're trying to be back. It'll be a little tricky since I'm at college and me and Chikin don't live together anymore, but we're trying. If any of you are still out there feel free to drop a review, we appreciate them and draw inspiration from them. In the next chappie, Yohji suffers for Aya's anger management:)


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